MINDtalk - The Source for Coaching

Why do some people never get depressed?

2012-01-30T06:27:00.001-08:00

Confronted with some of life's upsetting experiences - marriage breakdown, unemployment, bereavement, failure of any kind - many people become depressed. But others don't. Why is this?

A person who goes through experiences like that and does not get depressed has a measure of what in the psychiatric trade is known as "resilience".

According to Manchester University psychologist Dr Rebecca Elliott, we are all situated somewhere on a slidling scale.

"At one end you have people who are very vulnerable. In the face of quite low stress, or none at all, they'll develop a mental health problem," she says.

"At the other end, you have people who life has dealt a quite appalling hand with all sorts of stressful experiences, and yet they remain positive and optimistic." Most of us, she thinks, are somewhere in the middle.

But what is this resilience? Is it something we inherit or do we learn it? Can it be traced in the chemistry of the brain? Or in its wiring, or its electrical activity? And if we lack it, can we acquire it?

The answer, regrettably, to all those questions is much the same. We don't really know. But we'd like to, and we need to. According to the World Health Organization, depression affects just over 120 million people worldwide.

"We think about a fifth of the UK population will suffer from depression at some point in their lifetime," says Bill Deakin, professor of psychiatry at Manchester University. Worryingly, he adds that more people are getting depressed now than in the past, and that it is beginning to affect younger people.

With the support of the Medical Research Council, Bill Deakin, Rebecca Elliott and their colleagues are peering into the brain, trying to fathom the origins and nature of resilience. They think that a better understanding of it might pay dividends in helping those who lack it.

The subjects of their study are a mixed bunch - intentionally so. Some have suffered bouts of depression, others have not. Some have had more than their share of adverse life events, while others have had an easier time of it.

In knowing where to start looking for the differences that might underpin resilience to depression the Manchester group has the advantage of being able to draw on previous work that has investigated resilience to post-traumatic stress disorder.

This, says Bill Deakin, has pointed them to several relevant features of brain function. They include cognitive flexibility - our capacity to adapt our thinking to different situations - and also the extent to which our brains concentrate on processing and remembering happy, as opposed to sad, information.

Emotional memory

Each subject in the Manchester study has been allocated to one of four groups based on the four possible combinations of high and low life stress, with or without depression. All have given saliva samples from which their stress hormone levels can be measured, and many of them will undergo a brain scan.

A scanning technique much used by brain researchers called functional magnetic resonance imaging allows them to see which parts of the brain are active while subjects are performing specific tasks.

"In one task we give them pictures to look at which are emotionally charged," says Rebecca Elliot. "They have to memorise them." Shortly afterward they're shown these pictures again, with others, and have to identify those they've seen already. "This probes emotional memory - how well people remember material which has an emotional component to it."

The research is not yet complete, so Rebecca Elliott can't say whether there are distinct differences in brain function between the groups. But there are encouraging hints, such as the correlations she's finding between the psychological measurements of her subjects' resilience and how they perform on some of the tests.

"For example, our early data suggest that people who are more resilient are more likely to recognise happy faces and less likely to recognise sad or fearful faces. The more resilient someone is, the better they remember positive words and pictures."

Precisely how a clinician might eventually use whatever the Manchester research reveals about our brain activity is still an open question. What we refer to as resilience is the outcome of a complex and continuing set of interactions between our genes, our body chemistry, the wiring of our brains, and our life experiences.

But broadly speaking, the hope is that an understanding of the brain activity that underpins resilience might offer pointers towards new treatments, or better ways of using existing ones.

A resilience pill?

Bill Deakin talks of using brain scanning to create what he calls a "neuroscientific profile" of an individual's problem. This might be used to identify relevant aims and goals in deciding on the best treatment.

A patient may turn out to have normally functioning cognitive flexibility but a tendency to dwell on sad thoughts. "This might allow you to tailor-make a therapy to reduce the likelihood of a further episode of depression," says Deakin. In the first instance this would most likely be a talking therapy of some kind.

Responding to the suggestion that a drug, a daily "resilience pill", tailored to our brain activity or chemistry might be a useful development, Rebecca Elliott is cautious. "I suppose this is something that would theoretically be possible," she says. "Whether people would be willing to take that kind of drug, I'm not sure."

But whatever the means, finding some way to boost resilience is an ambition well worth pursuing. To be assured of that you have only to compare Aeron's experiences with those of Pauline, another of the Manchester research subjects.

While out of work, struggling financially, and single-handedly responsible for three children, Pauline had several bouts of depression during which she felt completely isolated. "And emotionally I was very detached. I would come in and sit on my bed and cry. And when it got so bad I didn't want to be with the children, that's when I went to the doctor."

No clinician can yet prescribe what she most needs - resilience. But one day… maybe.

By Geoff Watts
BBC World Service

How to manage a business in 2012.

2012-01-26T05:06:00.001-08:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive..

NORWEGIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. The state collects one cow as tax and splits the cow into three parts.
They give the three parts to three other people and tax them 40%.
The state is surprised when the three parts rot and do not produce any milk,
so they take half of your remaining cow and split it into two parts
They are again surprised when the parts do not produce any milk and immediately
launch a political campaign against you for having lost three perfectly good cows and
for being a tax evasive wasteful capitalist pig.

The Chemistry of Stress

2011-12-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

When people are under stress, surges in the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol strongly affect their reasoning and cognition. At low levels, cortisol facilitates thinking and other mental functions, so well-timed pressure to perform and targeted critiques of subordinates certainly have their place.

When a leader’s demands become too great for a subordinate to handle, however, soaring cortisol levels and and added hard kick of adrenaline can paralyze the mind’s critical abilities. Attention fixates on the threat from the boss rather than the work at hand; memory, planning and creativity og out the window. People fall back on old habits, no matter how unsuitable those are for addressing new challenges.

Poorly delivered criticism and displays of anger by leaders are common triggers of hormonal surges. In fact, when laboratory scientists want to study the highest levels of stress hormones, they simulate a job interview in which an applicant receives intense face-to-face criticism – an analogue of a boss’s tearing apart a subordinate’s performance. Researchers likewise find that when someone who is very important to a person expresses contempt or disgust towards them, their stress circuitry triggers an explosion of stress hormones and a spike in heart rate by 30 or 40 beats per minute. Then, because of the interpersonal dynamic of mirror neurons and oscillators, the tension spreads to other people. Before you know it, the destructive emotions have infected an entire group and inhibited its performance.

Leaders are themselves not immune to the contagion of stress. All the more reason that they should take the time to understand the biology of their emotions.

The full article is “Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership” by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis. It is worth a read.

The Creative Brain On Exercise

2011-10-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

For artists, entrepreneurs, and any other driven creators, exercise is a powerful tool in the quest to help transform the persistent uncertainty, fear, and anxiety that accompanies the quest to create from a source of suffering into something less toxic, then potentially even into fuel.

For more than thirty years, Haruki Murakami has dazzled the world with his beautifully crafted words, most often in the form of novels and short stories. But his book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (2008) opens a rare window into his life and process, revealing an obsession with running and how it fuels his creative process.

An excerpt from a 2004 interview with Murakami in The Paris Review brings home the connection between physical strength and creating extraordinary work:

When I'm in writing mode for a novel, I get up at 4:00 a.m. and work for five to six hours. In the afternoon, I run for ten kilometers or swim for fifteen hundred meters (or do both), then I read a bit, and listen to some music. I go to bed at 9:00 p.m. I keep to this routine every day without variation. The repetition itself becomes the important thing; it's a form of mesmerism. I mesmerize myself to reach a deeper state of mind. But to hold to such repetition for so long--six months to a year--requires a good amount of mental and physical strength. In that sense, writing a long novel is like survival training. Physical strength is as necessary as artistic sensitivity.

Murakami is guided by what the great scholars, writers, thinkers, and creators of ancient Greece knew yet so many modern-day creators have abandoned.

The physical state of our bodies can either serve or subvert the quest to create genius. We all know this intuitively. But with rare exceptions, because life seems to value output over the humanity of the process and the ability to sustain genius, attention to health, fitness, and exercise almost always take a back seat.That's tragic. Choosing art over health rather than art fueled by health kills you faster; it also makes the process so much more miserable and leads to poorer, slower, less innovative, and shallower creative output.

As Dr. John Ratey noted in his seminal work Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain (2008), exercise isn't just about physical health and appearance. It also has a profound effect on your brain chemistry, physiology, and neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to literally rewire itself). It affects not only your ability to think, create, and solve, but your mood and ability to lean into uncertainty, risk, judgment, and anxiety in a substantial, measurable way, even though until very recently it's been consistently cast out as the therapeutic bastard child in lists of commonly accepted treatments for anxiety and depression.

In 2004 the esteemed New England Journal of Medicine (NEJM) published a review of treatments for generalized anxiety disorder that noted thirteen pharmaceuticals, each with a laundry list of side effects, but nothing about exercise. In response, NEJM published a letter by renowned cardiologists Richard Milani and Carl Lavie, who had written more than seventy papers on the effect of exercise on the heart, eleven of them focused on anxiety. That letter criticizes the original article for omitting exercise, which, the writers note, "has been shown to lead to reductions of more than 50 percent in the prevalence of the symptoms of anxiety. This supports exercise training as an additional method to reduce chronic anxiety."

Ratey details many data points on the connection between exercise and mind-set; among them the following:

A 2004 study led by Joshua Broman-Fulks of the University of Southern Mississippi that showed students who walked at 50 percent of their maximum heart rates or ran on treadmills at 60 to 90 percent of their maximum heart rates reduced their sensitivity to anxiety, and that though rigorous exercise worked better. "Only the high intensity group felt less afraid of the physical symptoms of anxiety, and the distinction started to show up after just the second exercise session."
A 2006 Dutch study of 19,288 twins and their families that demonstrated that those who exercised were "less anxious, less depressed, less neurotic, and also more socially outgoing."
A 1999 Finnish study of 3,403 people that revealed that those who exercised two to three times a week "experience significantly less depression, anger, stress, and 'cynical distrust.'"

Ratey points to a number of proven chemical pathways, along with the brain's neuroplastic abilities, as the basis for these changes, arguing that exercise changes the expression of fear and anxiety, as well as the way the brain processes them from the inside out.

Studies now prove that aerobic exercise both increases the size of the prefrontal cortex and facilitates interaction between it and the amygdala. This is vitally important to creators because the prefrontal cortex, as we discussed earlier, is the part of the brain that helps tamp down the amygdala's fear and anxiety signals.

For artists, entrepreneurs, and any other driven creators, exercise is a powerful tool in the quest to help transform the persistent uncertainty, fear, and anxiety that accompanies the quest to create from a source of suffering into something less toxic, then potentially even into fuel.

This is not to suggest that anyone suffering from a generalized or trait (that is, long-term) anxiety disorder avoid professional help and self-treat with exercise alone. People who suffer from anxiety should not hesitate to seek out the guidance of a qualified mental health-care professional. The point is to apply the lessons from a growing body of research on the therapeutic effect of exercise on anxiety, mood, and fear to the often sustained low-level anxiety that rides organically along with the uncertainty of creation. Anyone involved in a creative endeavor should tap exercise as a potent elixir to help transform the uncomfortable sensation of anxiety from a source of pain and paralysis into something not only manageable but harnessable.

Exercise, it turns out, especially at higher levels of intensity, is an incredibly potent tool in the quest to train in the arts of the fear alchemist.

Still, a large number of artists and entrepreneurs resist exercise as a key element in their ability to do what they most want to do--make cool stuff that speaks to a lot of people. In the case of artists, I often wonder if that resistance is born of a cultural chasm that many artists grew up with, where jocks were jocks, artists were artists, hackers were hackers, and never the twain would meet. For more sedentary solo creators, historical assumptions about who exercises and who doesn't can impose some very real limits on a behavior that would be very beneficial on so many levels. On the entrepreneur side, the excuse I've heard (and used myself) over and over is "I'm launching a damn company and my hair's on fire. I don't have time to work out." The sad truth is that if we make the time to exercise, it makes us so much more productive and leads to such improved creativity, cognitive function, and mood that the time we need for doing it will open up and then some--making us so much happier and better at the art of creation, to boot.

What Happened To Downtime? The Extinction Of Deep Thinking And Sacred Space

2011-10-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

A great article from FASTCOMPANY about protecting are thinking and reflecting space. I think we could all do with a little more of it in our lives.

Interruption-free space is sacred. Yet, in the digital era we live in, we are losing hold of the few sacred spaces that remain untouched by email, the Internet, people, and other forms of distraction. Our cars now have mobile phone integration and a thousand satellite radio stations. When walking from one place to another, we have our devices streaming data from dozens of sources. Even at our bedside, we now have our iPads with heaps of digital apps and the world's information at our fingertips.

There has been much discussion about the value of the "creative pause"--a state described as "the shift from being fully engaged in a creative activity to being passively engaged, or the shift to being disengaged altogether." This phenomenon is the seed of the break-through "a-ha!" moments that people so frequently report having in the shower. In these moments, you are completely isolated, and your mind is able to wander and churn big questions without interruption.
However, despite the incredible power and potential of sacred spaces, they are quickly becoming extinct. We are depriving ourselves of every opportunity for disconnection. And our imaginations suffer the consequences.

Why do we crave distraction over downtime?

Why do we give up our sacred space so easily? Because space is scary. During these temporary voids of distraction, our minds return to the uncertainty and fears that plague all of us. To escape this chasm of self-doubt and unanswered questions, you tune into all of the activity and data for reassurance.
But this desperate need for constant connection and stimulation is not a modern problem. I would argue that we have always sought a state of constant connection from the dawn of time, it's just never been possible until now.

The need to be connected is, in fact, very basic in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the psychological theory that explains the largest and most fundamental human desires. Our need for a sense of belonging comes right after physical safety. We thrive on friendship, family, and the constant affirmation of our existence and relevance. Our self-esteem is largely a product of our interactions with others.

It is now possible to always feel loved and cared for, thanks to the efficiency of our "comment walls" on Facebook and seamless connection with everyone we've ever known. Your confidence and self-esteem can quickly be reassured by checking your number of "followers" on Twitter or the number of "likes" garnered by your photographs and blog posts. The traction you are getting in your projects, or with your business, can now be measured and reported in real time.

Our insatiable need to tune into information--at the expense of savoring our downtime--is a form of "work" (something I call "insecurity work") that we do to reassure ourselves.

So what's the solution? How do we reclaim our sacred spaces?

Soon enough, planes, trains, subways, and, yes, showers will offer the option of staying connected. Knowing that we cannot rely on spaces that force us to unplug to survive much longer, we must be proactive in creating these spaces for ourselves. And when we have a precious opportunity to NOT be connected, we should develop the capacity to use it and protect it.

Find this article at this link. http://www.fastcompany.com/1700298/what-happened-to-downtime-the-extinction-of-deep-thinking-and-sacred-space

Getting primær to follow safety standards.

2011-09-19T11:00:00.001-07:00

The Problem:

I am trying to encourage employees to work safely, but often meet with resistance and feel like people only behave when the safety guys are around. How can I create long-term change and encourage employees to take responsibility for creating a safe work environment?

The Solution:

Thanks for asking this important question. At first, it seems strange that people would resist following safe work practices. After all, none of us wants to be injured at work. Yet the problem you describe is very common—in part because many of us already feel safe at work.

Our workplaces are far safer than they used to be. In the U.S., time lost due to injuries has dropped by more than 50 percent since 1991. This means many of the most obvious sources of danger have been addressed and resolved. Now we are focusing on less obvious dangers and more stubborn behaviors.

Another complication is that many of the most dangerous behaviors are ones we are guilty of in our personal lives as well as at work. We accept the risks at home and we think we should be able to take the same risks at work. For example, many of the most fatal workplace accidents involve bad driving behaviors—we fail to buckle up, we speed, we drive carelessly, and we back into things. Another huge source of injuries involves bad ladder behaviors—we fail to use a ladder when we should, we don't tie off our ladder, or we carry tools in our hands as we climb the ladder. How many of us ignore these risks when we're not at work? So, it's a challenge to get us to take these risks seriously when we're on the job.

I'll use our Influencer model to suggest a few steps you can take to create a safer working environment.

1. Focus on a few crucial moments. My guess is that most of your people follow most of the safety practices most of the time. This means your safety problem boils down to a few perfect storms—crucial moments when some of your people fail to follow some of the safety practices. Get your team involved by having them identify the handful of crucial moments that are most dangerous in their work environment. Our research study Silent Danger identified five crucial moments that we often use to justify skipping safety practices:

• Get It Done. Justifying unsafe practices due to tight timelines.
• Undiscussable Incompetence. Unsafe practices that stem from skill deficits that people don't feel able to discuss.
• Just this Once. Justifying unsafe practices as exceptions to the rule.
• This Is Overboard. Justifying unsafe practices because the precautions seem excessive.
• Are You a Team Player? Unsafe practices that people justify by saying they are for the good of the team, company, or customer.

2. Identify the vital behaviors in these crucial moments. The vital behaviors are the few actions that will keep people safe during the crucial moments they've identified. For example, suppose one of the crucial moments your team has identified is, "When it's our fault that we're behind schedule, we do whatever it takes to make up our lost time. And a typical shortcut is failing to use ladders when we should."

The vital behaviors are: a.) Watch out for this crucial moment and warn others when you think you are at risk; b.) Be especially careful to avoid dangerous and tempting shortcuts when you're in this crucial moment; and c.) Confront those you see taking a dangerous shortcut.

3. Build personal motivation. Your question revealed that people aren't taking personal responsibility for their safety behaviors. They know what they should do but they aren't doing it. This sounds like a motivation problem.

The typical mistake we make in motivating is to rely on verbal persuasion: data dumps, lectures, sermons, and rants. These are the least effective ways to motivate people.

The most effective way is personal experience. For example, we found that nurses who suffered a hospital-acquired infection were much more likely to remind their peers to wash their hands. Their experience turned hand hygiene into a moral passion.

But people don't need to be injured to become motivated. Personal experience isn't required. Our nurses were just as motivated if they'd had a family member or close friend who suffered an infection. Vicarious experience can be just as powerful.

4. Build Social Motivation. Another of your concerns is that people see you as the enforcer. There should be social motivation, but reminders should come from their peers as well as supervisors.

Often, it is important to involve senior managers and leaders and show them what they can do during crucial moments. For example, during a crisis when everybody is rushing and tempted to take shortcuts, it is very helpful for the manager who is over the entire crisis to remind people that they still need to take every safety precaution. These timely warnings from senior leaders counter the cynical expectations many employees have about their organization's commitment to safety.

Obviously, these are just a few ideas to add to the mix. You'll want to consider actions in each of the six sources of influence. Remember, leaders who combine four or more of these sources are ten times more successful at achieving their desired results.

David Maxwell

- On the road with my iPhone

Dealing with a Braggart

2011-09-10T02:54:00.001-07:00

The Problem:

My coworker continuously boasts and brags about almost every aspect of her life. When anyone from our team discusses their successes or their life, she has to outdo them and frequently talks over people in order to be heard. I have tried to deal with her bragging but I think we are officially on the path to a difficult conversation. I do not want to damage the relationship or cause tension in our department but it has become so excessive that I have even contemplated finding a new job! Do you have any advice?

The Solution:

You are facing an interesting challenge—one I've seen or heard about many times. The most memorable comment came from an old high school buddy who, when we were about 40, made this comment about another person we knew: "When I toss pebbles in a puddle, he throws boulders in the ocean!" When my buddy made this comment, he sounded as frustrated and angry and perplexed as you do. Certainly, this is one of those conversations that is difficult and challenging to hold.

I once had a professor who had been entrapped by the same behavior as your coworker and who had overcome that particular challenge—with some help from his wife. My professor had a PhD, and he taught at the Air Force Academy and other universities. He was a full bird colonel and during his military career as a pilot, he traveled all over the world. At lunches, wine-and-cheese parties, and backyard barbecues, he would get entrapped. Someone who just returned from a cruise to the Baltic would mention a lovely dinner they had in Oslo, and the colonel would say, "Oh and isn't the museum that's next door to that restaurant lovely." Another person would say, "I just got back from Rio and was on the greatest beach I've ever seen." And the colonel would say, "It is grand, but I prefer the one about a mile south of that." He had a comment to one-up just about everyone at the party.

The colonel didn't see the problem until his wife said, "I don't think you notice that you come across as bragging when you top everyone's stories. Just because you've been all over the world, doesn't mean you have to diminish what others have seen or done." Then she added that old adage, "You have one mouth and two ears. You need to listen more and talk less." He got the message. He changed. He found that if he asked the storyteller multiple questions, he enjoyed the conversation more. He could remember the places he'd been without topping the storyteller. And he found he could still be the one to take a turn at sharing a story. He had been topping people unintentionally, but his wife's comment helped him see the consequences he hadn't intended. The colonel didn't change all at once. He commented that occasionally his wife tapped him with a stealthy elbow.

How do these examples relate to your challenge? Let me explain.

Get your motives right. What are you trying to accomplish? Are you trying to help or launch a guilt trip? Are you intending to be a coach or a critic? Ask yourself these questions, "What do I really want for her, for me, and for our relationship?" When you can feel in your heart that you are genuinely trying to help, then you are ready to talk.

Make it safe. What allowed the colonel's wife to share her feedback? They had a wonderful and trusting relationship. It was safe for them to talk about annoying behaviors and they had both made corrections based on the other person's assessment of their behavior.

The step above is essential to building safety. If your heart is right and your motive clear, it will be safe to talk. But if you come in with frustration and prejudgment on your face, you will make it unsafe. In order to make it safe, you should also make sure the conversation is private and convenient. You wouldn't want to talk when you or your coworker is feeling stressed or tired.

You can also make it safe by clarifying your motive. We call this contrasting. For example, you might begin with, "I have an observation to share. I don't want to come across as a critic. I do want to share an issue that will help our relationship and improve camaraderie within our team. I'm trying to be a friend." When you have the right motive, you will find the right words to clarify what you don't intend and rather, what you do intend.

Start with a specific observation and a question—not conclusions and emotions. Let's explore the options. You could keep silent—the consequence being that you'd find a different job. To me, the stress and suffering of switching jobs far outweighs the costs of speaking up.

You could go in with moral indignation and say, "I can't believe you are so dense that you brag and boast and interrupt people all the time! It's horrible, and I, the other teammates, and most of the people in town, hate it. I've had it!" Also not a good option.

Instead of jumping ship or blowing up, I would say something like this, "Last week at our team lunch, I noticed that when Joyce talked about her camping trip with her kids, you commented that you and your family had taken your RV to Jackson Hole and then you talked about the elk and the art you had seen for several minutes. I noticed that Joyce frowned and shut up. I've seen you do this more than a half dozen times. I think it's hurting the relationships in our team, and I'm not sure you even know you're doing it. It's difficult for me to bring this up, but I am hopeful that we can talk about it as friends. Can we talk about it?"

Prepare for alternate responses. Your coworker has a few options. She can say, "No I haven't really noticed. I certainly want to do better. Could you help me?" Wouldn't that be nice? And often that is what happens. However, there is the potential she will become defensive or emotional. If that happens, describe what you see, "I can see you're upset." And then contrast again. Share what you were not trying to do—offend her—and what you were trying to do—help. At this point, you can decide to end the conversation, or as often happens, your coworker will calm down and you can have a dialogue about the issue and some behaviors your coworker can practice when tempted to boast.

I hope this will help you prepare to talk to your coworker. If I had this problem, I'd hope for a coworker who would make it safe enough for me to hear how I could improve my relationship with my teammates.

- On the road with my iPhone

3 Tips for Surviving Work Travel

2011-08-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

Traveling for work is draining. Most people return home feeling depleted from delays, lack of sleep, overeating, and overworking. Try these three things to help you renew when you're on
the road:

Get enough sleep. This is the most important thing you can do. Calculate how much sleep you'll get when you arrive and if it's not enough, make up for it on the plane. Bring a mask and earplugs.

Start your days with exercise. It doesn't need to be extensive. Just 20-30 minutes will improve your mood. But, don't do this at the expense of sleep.

Avoid the minibar. There is nothing good in there. If you really can't resist, ask the hotel to remove it before you check in.

http://web.hbr.org/email/archive/managementtip.php?date=082211

- On the road with my iPhone

Defy the "Always On" Mindset

2011-08-19T02:21:00.001-07:00

Study after study shows how important rest is to the human brain. Yet, the world of work seems to get busier and more demanding every day. This means you have to make even more of an effort to disconnect and find the time to relax. Try leaving your phone at home on your next family outing. Make a to-do list on Friday and hide it (physically and mentally) until Monday morning. If this seems like a waste of potentially productive time, remind yourself that moments of quiet are critical. After focusing intently on a project or problem, the brain needs to fully disengage and relax to be creative. Only after a break can you have a breakthrough.
http://web.hbr.org/email/archive/managementtip.php?date=081911

Dealing with Resentment at Work

2011-05-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

A great article from CrucialSkills.

The Problem:

In our hospital, we have a person who made a grave mistake during surgery. As the manager's pet, she was not disciplined or reprimanded, but anyone else would have been fired on the spot. The rest of the staff noticed the special treatment given to this individual and are extremely resentful. How do I, as one of those staff members, interact with the offending person without letting my resentment show?

The Solution:

We studied this very problem in our research, Silence Kills, and found that 84 percent of healthcare professionals observe colleagues take dangerous shortcuts when working with patients and yet less than 10 percent speak up about their concerns.

I applaud you for raising your concerns. Nobody wants to work in an atmosphere of resentment that could compromise your paramount concern of patient safety. However, the situation you describe is complicated. There are many parties and probably many perspectives on the same set of facts. Let's begin by examining your concerns.

1. Ask yourself, "What do I really want?" Think about what you want long-term for yourself, the other person, and for your relationship. This is what I learned from your question:

• You want fairness and justice. You think your peer is "the manager's pet," receives "special treatment," and perhaps should have been disciplined, reprimanded, or even fired.
• You want to make sure your team provides patients with the safest, best care possible.
• You want a positive set of relationships so people don't feel resentment toward one another.

2. Master your stories. Each of these concerns is based on a set of facts and/or a series of incidents, including the mistake that happened during surgery. But different staff members, and your manager, may interpret these same facts in different ways. All of you are telling yourselves stories about what these facts mean.

Treat your story as a story, not as a fact. Your story should be your best, most honest interpretation of what the facts mean. But also look out for what we call "clever stories"—interpretations that let you off the hook for feeling resentful and letting your feelings show.

Interrogate your story with two questions: a) "Do I really have all the facts I need to be certain my story is true?" and b) "Is there any other story that could fit this same set of facts?" Let's examine two of the stories you're telling yourself:

Your story about fairness and justice: What are the facts or incidents that combine to make you tell yourself a story about injustice? How confident are you that your story is true? Here are a few questions to consider:

It sounds as if you are holding your peer accountable for not being disciplined. Shouldn't that concern be with your manager more than with your peer?

I wonder whether you and your manager are telling yourselves different stories about the "grave mistake." Your manager may not have witnessed the mistake and that may mean he/she has less information. On the other hand, your manager may have interviewed your colleague as well as others who were there and this information might be both important and confidential.

Your story about patient safety: Any time you have a concern about patient safety you need to deal with it. It's one of those non-negotiables. However, before you have this crucial conversation, examine your story.

It would be easy to tell yourself the story that your manager is putting friendship above patient safety. That would be a very troubling conclusion. But is it true?

In the old days, errors were often blamed on whoever touched the patient last. Every error was considered "operator error." Then the pendulum swung toward "system error." Errors and near misses were seen as caused by faulty processes and procedures rather than individuals. Of course, sensible people demand both capable systems and capable individuals. Neither is sufficient by itself. Do you see how this interplay complicates the stories you and your manager tell about the very same incident?

I don't have enough information to know whose story is closer to the truth. But I think there is a lot of room for people who value fairness, justice, and patient safety to disagree. Have this conversation with your manager, but don't assume he or she has bad intentions.

3. Start with the facts, then tentatively share your story. Take the time to prepare for this conversation. Try writing it out as a script and then review it to make sure you:

• Avoid accusations or any "hot" words or phrases.
• Begin with your good intentions—what it is you really want. Explain that this conversation is about patient safety. That is your mutual purpose.
• Start with the facts. These facts include the incidents you are fairly sure you and your manager will agree on. This is your common ground.
• Tentatively tell your story. Draw the pattern these facts are forming for you. But remember, your manager may see the facts—and almost certainly sees the pattern—differently than you do. Be careful to be respectful of your manager's story.
• Stop so that your manager can share his or her perspective. Understand that some of the facts your manager has are likely to be confidential.

I also encourage you to review our latest study, The Silent Treatment, at www.silenttreatmentstudy.com or register for The Silent Treatment learning series to learn how to solve critical communication breakdowns and avoid dangerous mistakes in the hospital.

90% OF ALL HEALTH BOOKS SAY THE SAME THING

2011-05-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Roughly 90% of Self Help books contain the same advice repeated over and over. Don't believe me? Stop by your local bookstore sometime and read the Table of Contents of a dozen or so Self Help books. The advice may be worded differently or geared toward a specific target audience (eg. men, women, various enthnic and social groups), but the underlying message is pretty much always the same. Here's a list of that advice:

1. CREATE YOUR OWN LIFE
You are not a victim. You are 100% responsible for the life you have right now. If you are unhappy, you have the power to change your attitude and actions to begin making your life better. Always remember, whether you think life sucks or you think life is great, either way, you're right.

2. MAKE YOURSELF FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL...
Ever notice how some people are able to brush off insults, while others get furious and start throwing punches? Realize that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You are the one that "chooses" to feel good or bad about a particular event or action that occurs.

3. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT
If you want to be more confident, happy, or positive, then "pretend" that you already are this way. Eventually, after practicing this long enough, you'll realize that you're no longer "pretending".

4. FOLLOW YOUR PURPOSE
A purpose is what you enjoy doing that you never get tired of and you will do for the rest of your life. Is your purpose to write screenplays? Is it to help sick people? Write down on index cards a list of purposes and choose the one that speaks to you the most.

5. SET GOAL AND SCHEDULE YOUR DAY
List out 5 to 10 goals that you want for your life. Break each goal up into smaller sub-goals and then break those sub-goals into individual tasks and action steps. Every night, plan the next day in advance. Create a daily "to-do list" with those tasks that you need to do to accomplish your goal.

6. LIVE IN THE PRESENT
Regret and shame come from dwelling in the past. Worrying and anxiety come from living in the future. True peace of mind comes from living in the present. The more you become aware of being in the present, the more it becomes a part of your daily life.

7. THE POWER OF ATTRACTION
The power of attraction is a powerful mental tool. The process works by focusing on something that you want while visualizing that you already have it. You then have a heightened level of awareness for recognizing opportunities that occur around you. These opportunities will then assist in bringing what you want into your physical reality.

8. EXPAND YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Your comfort zone (what you feel comfortable doing) is always in a state of either expanding or contracting. The more you get out in the world and do what you feel uncomfortable doing, the less inhibited you become, thereby allowing you to live a richer and fuller life.

9. BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE
Every morning before you start your day, give thanks and appreciation for what you have. It's only when we are thankful for what we have that life gives us more blessings and abundance to be thankful for.

10. THE POWER OF ASKING...
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's the reason that children ask their parents for the same thing over and over again, because they know mom and dad will eventually cave in. The same concept works in the real world. If there is something in the world you want, ask for it...or at least ask how to get it.

11. LEARN FROM THE PROS AND COPY THEM
Find the successful people in your field and ask them for advice. Ask them what they do to be successful, take notes, and then copy them. A lot of people think that the pros don't want to share. The opposite is actually true. Most successful people are more that willing to share their knowledge if you ask them.

12. IGNORE THE TROLLS
Trolls are people that will try to discourage you from your dreams. Don't listen to them. Realize that the only reason they are doing it is because by seeing you chase after your dreams, it's reminding them that they aren't chasing theirs. Misery loves company. www.chopcow.com

Imposing Consequences

2011-04-15T21:02:00.001-07:00

The Problem:

My in-laws live six hours away, but frequently visit and stay at my home. They have a wonderful relationship with my three young children, but I'm worried because they bring their dog, and in the last year, the dog has started nipping at my kids. Although my husband and I told them in no uncertain terms that the dog is not to be near the children, we found out that my father-in-law sneaks the dog out when we're not looking. This rule was ignored and the dog recently bit the hand of my oldest child and drew blood.

We recently visited family, and because the dog was around multiple children, I told the mothers that the dog bites and everyone was beyond angry that my father-in-law kept letting the dog out. He knows how we feel, yet refuses to put the safety of his own grandchildren over the coddling of his dog! It has created an extremely tense environment and is affecting our relationships. We have tried asking nicely, stating directly, and are on the verge of an ultimatum. What should we do now?

The Solution:

In a situation where we are weighing Dad's convenience and preference against the safety of children, it's time for a crucial confrontation. You said you tried "asking nicely" and "stating directly" but your father-in-law continues to sneak the dog out when you are not looking. Your father-in-law is likely seeing this conflict in terms of his "sweet little dog that wouldn't hurt a fly" and is "practically a member of the family" against some "nervous Nelly" moms who are over-protective. He thinks his little allowance in letting the dog out to play with the kids is a minor infraction that doesn't matter all that much.

He is obviously discounting your collective wishes and ignoring your fears; he is minimizing the importance of your concerns. The way you motivate others to give your concerns more weight is by helping them understand the consequences that could result from a given course of action. Natural consequences are those that will naturally result without any imposition on your part. In this case, even a misplaced nip from a small dog could result in blindness to a child or life-long scarring.

Imposed consequences are consequences you enforce if others do not comply with your requests. Such a consequence is that you will call animal control. However, I don't recommend using this consequence. It's best to talk about natural consequences first.

Talking through the consequences should motivate Dad to consider your concerns. If you don't get compliance with natural consequences, then carefully consider whether to move to imposed consequences. Damaging the relationship is a real possibility. However, when dealing with danger to your children, Dad's compliance with your standards may be more important to you than sparing his feelings.

I will assume you shared consequences in your earlier conversations. If Dad still misbehaves, what do you do next?

Verbal persuasion has failed to change Dad's behavior; the children's safety is paramount. It's time to impose consequences. Be respectful! Emphasize that you want to continue the relationship with Dad but not the dog. Begin by factually reviewing how you arrived at this point. Try something like this:

"Dad, we've talked to you several times about our concerns with having your dog around your grandchildren. Yet the dog continues to get out, and last time you visited, he bit Jeremy's hand. Dad, we want you to visit. Your visits with us and our visits to your place are very important to us, but to make them work we have to arrange for the dog to go to a kennel or find a dog sitter. We can help arrange one here or you can find one near your home, but we will not let the dog come to our home or visit your home if the dog is there."

Use contrasting to prevent misunderstandings. "We don't want you to shorten your visits or make them less frequent. We love you and your visits. We do want you to make other arrangements so the dog is not present during our visit."

Listen to your father-in-law's feelings and concerns, then brainstorm workable solutions. Don't jeopardize your children's safety with an unrealistic compromise.

Now, follow through. Be prepared to pack up if the dog is there when you arrive at Dad's. Be prepared to not let the dog in your house if he accompanies Dad on a visit. Reaffirm your love for Dad and your resolve to protect your children, even if the cost is Dad's hurt feelings.

- On the road with my iPhone

Confronting Workplace Sarcasm

2011-04-12T07:24:00.001-07:00

The Problem:

I work in a large international company and lead a team of eight experienced human resource managers. Several of the managers use irony and humor to downplay their colleagues, and I strongly feel that this creates a bad atmosphere because most of the colleagues do not appreciate this way of talking. Should I confront the issue with the entire group or should I deal with the misbehaving colleagues individually?

The Solution:

This is an interesting challenge because it deals with the use of humor at its worst—humor used as a tool for taking shots at people, but done in a way that maintains plausible deniability.

"Hey, I was just kidding, can't you take a joke?"

I know a fair amount about this particular tactic because it was a huge part of my influence repertoire during, say, the first thirty years of my life. I—like most of my close friends—developed keen skills in the use of sarcasm and irony. It was a huge part of my identity. Then, one day, after my wife stumbled awkwardly and I
retorted, "Smooth move, did you enjoy the trip?" she responded: "You know what? If you never again use sarcasm—until the day I die—that would be just fine with me. I don't like it, the kids don't like it, and there's no place for it in our home."

"Hey! Who died and left you in charge?" I shouted boldly and firmly within the confines of my mind as a way of testing out my response before actually putting my foot in my mouth. Then I thought better and whined: "But I really like being sarcastic."

As the conversation unfolded, I learned that it's actually quite difficult to defend your right to take cheap shots, dole out insults, and cut people down—all in the name of humor. Trust me. You never want to be the defense attorney when sarcasm goes to court. So, maybe I needed to reconsider my stance. Perhaps, getting a laugh at the expense of a coworker, colleague, friend, or loved one isn't nearly as endearing as I had once thought it was. And so, I said goodbye to that part of me and my wife has been ever grateful.

Now, to your question as to whether you should bring up the problem individually or in a group. It's tempting to say something to the entire team. That way you don't have to accuse anyone directly, plus it's efficient. One conversation replaces five or six. But then again, you take several risks when you hold a team problem-solving discussion.

First, as you talk with a group, one or more of the people who abuse humor might conclude that you aren't talking to them. They, after all, are actually quite funny and their cute remarks are loved and appreciated by all. Or so they think.

Second, those who don't fall into the trap of abusing humor won't like being thrown into the pot with the actual offenders. Nobody likes being accused of a crime they haven't committed.

Third, it's hard to anchor your discussion in facts by pointing to the last instance of abusive humor when you're talking in general terms. When it comes to discussing problems in an effective way, you need to point to actual instances, preferably on the heels of the occurrence, so the person understands the exact nature of the offense.

It will take longer, but you need to talk to the offenders one-on-one.

Assume the best of others. Perhaps others do think they're only having fun and they're unaware that their use of humor can be hurtful. Respectfully and unemotionally describe the last instance, focusing on specific behaviors.

Ask if others see the problem differently. If others seem unmoved to drop their use of sarcasm and irony, explain the consequences of their actions in detail. Talk about how it has affected you. Suggest an alternative means of dealing with the issues.

Discuss the pros and cons. Jointly discuss the benefits of honestly and openly addressing problems rather than approaching them obliquely and possibly at the expense of others.

Thank others for their efforts. End by thanking them for the frank conversation and express your appreciation for their willingness to drop harsh humor from their repertoire.

You are right to confront this damaging behavior immediately, especially because a few managers are creating a bad atmosphere for the rest of your team. As you talk to each employee individually, don't let him or her use the excuse I mentioned above—"Hey, I was just kidding, can't you take a joke?" Make sure each employee is aware of the damage he or she is doing to morale, productivity, and results. Establish a zero tolerance policy and encourage employees to hold others accountable when they violate that policy.

- On the road with my iPhone

Holding Your Ground

2011-04-08T15:19:00.001-07:00

The Problem:

I have been with my company for five years and consistently receive "exceeds expectations" ratings on my performance reviews. I recently found out that a newly hired business partner is planning to take over my office. There are a handful of open offices in our area that he could take without interrupting another employee, and this individual will not be in the office on a daily basis. I have worked very hard to get where I am and do not feel it's right for a new employee to make me move.

I get upset every time I think about this situation because I do not want to get pushed around, but I fear I will become emotional and rude if I speak up. I feel completely insulted that someone would think their title allows them to kick another employee out of their office. Can you give me some advice on how to approach the situation calmly, yet effectively?

The Solution:

I can tell you're frustrated because you feel like your options are limited. You can bite your lip and take it, and then move and lose. Or, you can speak up, blow up, and then move and lose. As I try to explore these and other options, I acknowledge that I don't know all the facts, so I'm basing my advice on my experience with similar issues.

My approach to addressing this challenge is rooted in a poem that comes from Mathematics Theory. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but the poem has a great point:

"What one does is only one of many things one might have done;
to appreciate the thing selected one must know the things rejected."

Realizing I could have the facts wrong—and hoping you'll forgive me if I do—I think there are a couple of good lessons we can learn from exploring your situation from several perspectives.

Action: You don't speak up. If you're like most people, you can't keep your emotions "If you don't talk it out, you'll act it out." So you sprinkle a negative comment here or there when talking with your friends and that leaks out as gossip. You find yourself frowning at and avoiding the new business partner. Probable outcome: you move and your reputation is hurt because of the gossip and your bad attitude.

Action: You speak up with emotion. Forget about the namby-pamby courteous stuff. This is about what's right and what's just. You storm into your boss' office and tell him or her all the good reasons you should stay and make the case that the new person should take a different office—all in one breath, no pauses, with fervor. If you take this approach, there are several possible outcomes:

1. Your boss listens and says, "Oh, I thought you knew the new partner has a son with disabilities in the facility across the parking lot. I thought it would be nice if he could see him when his son had recess or outings." Probable outcome: You move, your reputation is a bit tarnished, and you feel guilty. You have a new problem, this time with your boss.

2. Your boss listens and says, "Are you finished? Look, I didn't want to do it, but corporate policy requires that a business partner must have a window that is over sixty square feet in size. Yours is the only office that qualifies. What can I tell you? It's policy." (By the way, this policy is real in some organizations—you can't make up stuff like this.) At least now you know what the real problem is and you can tackle the real issue if you choose to do so. Probable outcome: You move, you feel frustrated about red tape and bureaucracy, and your reputation is likely a bit tarnished. When people blow up only a little, other people start looking for this behavior a lot.

3. The boss says, "Whoa, don't badmouth the new business partner; he doesn't even know I'm moving him to your office. I made the decision; and it's final. Now quit your whining." Probable outcome: You move and it's pretty clear what your boss thinks and you have another challenge to deal with—relationship and trust issues with your boss.

While some of these outcomes might occur no matter how skilled your approach, I know with 100 percent certainty that you'll feel better about yourself and you'll make it safe to have future tough conversations if you start this one in a positive way. This leads me to your third possible action.

Action: You speak up with candor and courtesy. You look at this situation, ask the humanizing question—"Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?"—overcome your fears, practice in private with a friend, then set an appointment with your boss and explain the situation.

It could sound something like this: "Jan, I read your e-mail saying the new business partner is moving into my office and I am moving to office 2C. I'm wondering how that decision was made and if it's final. I think there are several reasons for me to stay in that office and have the new business partner take a different office. Can we talk?"

Your boss responds: "Oh, I didn't know it was an issue. If you like, stay where you are."

For an instant, you hesitate. You have eleven good reasons you should stay put and she's not asking for them, but you swallow all of them and say thanks. You realize you assumed you knew the reasons for the office change—this caused you to get upset and potentially rude. However, you prepared and practiced, spoke up, and found that there wasn't really a reason. Probable outcome: you stay in your office and you maintain your reputation.

Of course, there are other variations of these three actions—don't speak up, speak up with emotion, speak up with candor and courtesy—but this is the point I want to reinforce: when facing a crucial conversation, we have three options:

1. We can avoid the issue, but our feelings generally leak out as gossip and we don't get the results we want.

2. We can attack and unleash pent-up frustration and demands, but even if we get what we want in the short term, our actions almost always tarnish our reputation.

3. We can address the issue with candor and courtesy and fill the pool of shared meaning with information from all sides of the issue. When we engage in dialogue, we are likely to get the best result—even if it isn't always the one we wanted—and we are likely to maintain our good reputation and strong relationships.

I hope my advice will help you hold the right conversation to achieve the right result.

Yawn - It's one of the best things you can do for your brain.

2011-03-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

Go ahead: Laugh if you want (though you’ll benefit your brain more if you smile), but in my professional opinion, yawning is one of the best-kept secrets in neuroscience. Even my colleagues who are researching meditation, relaxation, and stress reduction at other universities have overlooked this powerful neural-enhancing tool. However, yawning has been used for many decades in voice therapy as an effective means for reducing performance anxiety and hypertension in the throat.

Several recent brain-scan studies have shown that yawning evokes a unique neural activity in the areas of the brain that are directly involved in generating social awareness and creating feelings of empathy. One of those areas is the precuneus, a tiny structure hidden within the folds of the parietal lobe. According to researchers at the Institute of Neurology in London, the precuneus appears to play a central role in consciousness, self-reflection, and memory retrieval. The precuneus is also stimulated by yogic breathing, which helps explain why different forms of meditation contribute to an increased sense of self-awareness. It is also one of the areas hardest hit by age-related diseases and attention deficit problems, so it’s possible that deliberate yawning may actually strengthen this important part of the brain.

For these reasons I believe that yawning should be integrated into exercise and stress reduction programs, cognitive and memory enhancement training, psychotherapy, and contemplative spiritual practice. And, because the precuneus has recently been associated with the mirror-neuron system in the brain (which allows us to resonate to the feelings and behaviors of others), yawning may even help us to enhance social awareness, compassion, and effective communication with others.

Why am I so insistent? Because if I were to ask you to put this magazine down right now and yawn 10 times to experience this fabulous technique, you probably won’t do it. Even at seminars, after presenting the overwhelmingly positive evidence, when I ask people to yawn, half of the audience will hesitate. I have to coax them so they can feel the immediate relaxing effects. There’s an unexplained stigma in our society implying that it’s rude to yawn, and most of us were taught this when we were young.

As a young medical student, I was once “caught” yawning and actually scolded by my professor. He said that it was inappropriate to appear tired in front of patients, even though I was actually standing in a hallway outside of the patient’s room. Indeed, yawning does increase when you’re tired, and it may be the brain’s way of gently telling you that a little rejuvenating sleep is needed. On the other hand, exposure to light will also make you yawn, suggesting that it is part of the process of waking up.

But yawning doesn’t just relax you—it quickly brings you into a heightened state of cognitive awareness. Students yawn in class, not because the teacher is boring (although that will make you yawn as well, as you try to stay focused on the monotonous speech), but because it rids the brain of sleepiness, thus helping you stay focused on important concepts and ideas. It regulates consciousness and our sense of self, and helps us become more introspective and self-aware. Of course, if you happen to find yourself trapped in a room with a dull, boring, monotonous teacher, yawning will help keep you awake.

Yawning will relax you and bring you into a state of alertness faster than any other meditation technique I know of, and because it is neurologically contagious, it’s particularly easy to teach in a group setting. One of my former students used yawning to bring her argumentative board of directors back to order in less than 60 seconds. Why? Because it helps people synchronize their behavior with others.

Yawning, as a mechanism for alertness, begins within the first 20 weeks after conception. It helps regulate the circadian rhythms of newborns, and this adds to the evidence that yawning is involved in the regulation of wakefulness and sleep. Since circadian rhythms become asynchronous when a person’s normal sleep cycle is disturbed, yawning should help the late-night partygoer reset the brain’s internal clock. Yawning may also ward off the effects of jet lag and ease the discomfort caused by high altitudes.

So what is the underlying mechanism that makes yawning such an essential tool? Besides activating the precuneus, it regulates the temperature and metabolism of your brain. It takes a lot of neural energy to stay consciously alert, and as you work your way up the evolutionary ladder, brains become less energy efficient. Yawning probably evolved as a way to cool down the overly active mammalian brain, especially in the areas of the frontal lobe. Some have even argued that it is a primitive form of empathy. Most vertebrates yawn, but it is only contagious among humans, great apes, macaque monkeys, and chimpanzees. In fact, it’s so contagious for humans that even reading about it will cause a person to yawn.

Dogs yawn before attacking, Olympic athletes yawn before performing, and fish yawn before they change activities. Evidence even exists that yawning helps individuals on military assignment perform their tasks with greater accuracy and ease. Indeed, yawning may be one of the most important mechanisms for regulating the survival-related behaviors in mammals. So if you want to maintain an optimally healthy brain, it is essential that you yawn. It is true that excessive yawning can be a sign that an underlying neurological disorder (such as migraine, multiple sclerosis, stroke, or drug reaction) is occurring. However, I and other researchers suspect that yawning may be the brain’s attempt to eliminate symptoms by readjusting neural functioning.

Numerous neurochemicals are involved in the yawning experience, including dopamine, which activates oxytocin production in your hypothalamus and hippocampus, areas essential for memory recall, voluntary control, and temperature regulation. These neurotransmitters regulate pleasure, sensuality, and relationship bonding between individuals, so if you want to enhance your intimacy and stay together, then yawn together. Other neurochemicals and molecules involved with yawning include acetylcholine, nitric oxide, glutamate, GABA, serotonin, ACTH, MSH, sexual hormones, and opium derivate peptides. In fact, it’s hard to find another activity that positively influences so many functions of the brain.

My advice is simple. Yawn as many times a day as possible: when you wake up, when you’re confronting a difficult problem at work, when you prepare to go to sleep, and whenever you feel anger, anxiety, or stress. Yawn before giving an important talk, yawn before you take a test, and yawn while you meditate or pray because it will intensify your spiritual experience.

Conscious yawning takes a little practice and discipline to get over the unconscious social inhibitions, but people often come up with three other excuses not to yawn: “I don’t feel like it,” “I’m not tired,” and my favorite, “I can’t.” Of course you can. All you have to do to trigger a deep yawn is to fake it six or seven times. Try it right now, and you should discover by the fifth false yawn, a real one will begin to emerge. But don’t stop there, because by the tenth or twelfth yawn, you’ll feel the power of this seductive little trick. Your eyes may start watering and your nose may begin to run, but you’ll also feel utterly present, incredibly relaxed, and highly alert. Not bad for something that takes less than a minute to do. And if you find that you can’t stop yawning—I’ve seen some people yawn for thirty minutes—you’ll know that you’ve been depriving yourself of an important neurological treat.

By Andrew Newburg, Pennstate Gazette

Building Fit Minds Under Stress: Penn Neuroscientists Examine the Protective Effects of Mindfulness Training

2011-03-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

PHILADELPHIA –- A University of Pennsylvania-led study in which training was provided to a high-stress U.S. military group preparing for deployment to Iraq has demonstrated a positive link between mindfulness training, or MT, and improvements in mood and working memory. Mindfulness is the ability to be aware and attentive of the present moment without emotional reactivity or volatility.
The study found that the more time participants spent engaging in daily mindfulness exercises the better their mood and working memory, the cognitive term for complex thought, problem solving and cognitive control of emotions. The study also suggests that sufficient MT practice may protect against functional impairments associated with high-stress challenges that require a tremendous amount of cognitive control, self-awareness, situational awareness and emotional regulation.

To study the protective effects of mindfulness training on psychological health in individuals about to experience extreme stress, cognitive neuroscientist Amishi Jha of the Department of Psychology and Center for Cognitive Neuroscience at Penn and Elizabeth A. Stanley of Georgetown University provided mindfulness training for the first time to U.S. Marines before deployment. Jha and her research team investigated working memory capacity and affective experience in individuals participating in a training program developed and delivered by Stanley, a former U.S. Army officer and security-studies professor with extensive experience in mindfulness techniques.

The program, called Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training (MMFT™), aims to cultivate greater psychological resilience or “mental armor” by bolstering mindfulness.

The program covered topics of central relevance to the Marines, such as integrating skills to manage stress reactions, increase their resilience to future stressors and improve their unit’s mission effectiveness. Thus, the program blended mindfulness skills training with concrete applications for the operational environment and information and skills about stress, trauma and resilience in the body.
The program emphasized integrating mindfulness exercises, like focused attention on the breath and mindful movement, into pre-deployment training. These mindfulness skills were to regulate symptoms in the body and mind following an experience of extreme stress. The importance of regularly engaging in mindfulness exercises was also emphasized.

“Our findings suggest that, just as daily physical exercise leads to physical fitness, engaging in mindfulness exercises on a regular basis may improve mind-fitness,” Jha said. “Working memory is an important feature of mind-fitness. Not only does it safeguard against distraction and emotional reactivity, but it also provides a mental workspace to ensure quick-and-considered decisions and action plans. Building mind-fitness with mindfulness training may help anyone who must maintain peak performance in the face of extremely stressful circumstances, from first responders, relief workers and trauma surgeons, to professional and Olympic athletes.”

Study participants included two military cohorts of 48 male participants with a mean age of 25 recruited from a detachment of Marine reservists during the high-stress pre-deployment interval and provided MT to one group of 31, leaving 17 Marines in a second group without training as a control. The MT group attended an eight-week course and logged the amount of out-of-class time they spent practicing formal exercises. The effect of the course on working memory was evaluated using the Operation Span Task, whereas the impact on positive and negative affect was evaluated using the Positive and Negative Affect Schedule, or PANAS.

The Positive Affect scale reflects the extent to which a person feels enthusiastic, active and alert. The Negative Affect scale reflects unpleasant mood states, such as anger, disgust and fear. Working memory capacity degraded and negative mood increased over time in the control group. A similar pattern was observed in those who spent little time engaging in mindfulness exercises within the MMFT group. Yet, capacity increased and negative mood decreased in those with high practice time over the eight weeks.

The study findings are in line with prior research on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, or MBSR, programs and suggest that MMFT may provide “psychological prophylaxis,” or protection from cognitive and emotional disturbances, even among high-stress cohorts such as members of the military preparing for deployment. Given the high rate of post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental-health disturbances suffered by those returning from war, providing such training prior to deployment may buffer against potential lifelong psychological illness by bolstering working memory capacity.

In the several months prior to a deployment, service members receive intensive training on mission-critical operational skills, physical training and “stress-inoculation” training to habituate them to stressors they may experience during their impending mission. They also must psychologically prepare to leave loved ones and face potentially violent and unpredictable situations during their deployment.
Persistent and intensive demands, such as those experienced during high-stress intervals, have been shown to deplete working memory capacity and lead to cognitive failures and emotional disturbances. The research team hypothesized that MMFT may mitigate these deleterious effects by bolstering working memory capacity.

The study, published in the journal Emotion and also featured in the most recent edition of Joint Force Quarterly, the advisory journal for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was funded by the John W. Kluge Foundation and the Department of Defense.

Jha was the principal investigator on the project, and Anastasia Kiyonaga, Ling Wong and Lois Gelfand from the Department of Psychology Penn’s School of Arts and Sciences comprised her research team.

Stanley is the creator of MMFT and is on the Board of Directors of the Mind Fitness Training Institute, a nonprofit 501(c)(3) established to support the delivery of MMFT.

The Top 10 Psychology Studies of 2010 - Part Two

2011-03-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

6) How to Choose a Mate
What role does personality play in creating marital bliss? More specifically, is it your personality, your partner's personality, or the similarity between the two that really matters when it comes to being happy in your marriage? A study of over 10,000 couples from three countries provides us with some answers.

Your own personality is in fact a powerful predictor of your marital satisfaction. People who were more agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable reported being significantly happier with their spouse. That spouse's personality was also a reliable, though slightly less powerful, predictor of relationship satisfaction. Keep these same traits - the "Big 3" for happiness in a marriage - in mind when you are seeking Mr. or Ms. Right.

Finally, there's personality similarly - which, as it happens, doesn't seem to matter at all. The extent to which married couples matched one another on the Big Five traits had no predictive power when it came to understanding why some couples are happy together and others not. This is not to say that having similar goals or values isn't important - just that having similar personalities doesn't seem to be.
So if you are outgoing and your partner is shy, or if you are adventurous and your partner doesn't really like to try new things, it doesn't mean you can't have a satisfying marriage. Whether you are birds of a feather, or opposites that attracted, you are equally likely to live a long and happy life together.
Just try to be generally pleasant, responsible, and even-tempered, and find someone willing to do the same.

P. Dyrenforth, D. Kashy, M.B. Donnellan, & R. Lucas (2010) Predicting relationships and life satisfaction from personality in nationally representative samples from three countries: The relative importance of actor, partner, and similarity effects. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99, 690-702.

7) How to Feel More Powerful
In the animal kingdom, alphas signal their dominance through body movement and posture. Human beings are no different. The most powerful guy in the room is usually the one whose physical movements are most expansive - legs apart, leaning forward, arms spread wide while he gestures. He's the CEO who isn't afraid to swing his feet up onto the conference room table, hands behind his head and elbows jutting outward, confident in his power to spread himself out however he damn well pleases.

The nervous, powerless person holds himself very differently - he makes himself physically as small as possible: shoulders hunched, feet together, hands in his lap or arms wrapped protectively across his chest. He's the guy in the corner who is hoping he won't be called on, and often is barely noticed.
We adopt these poses unconsciously, and they are perceived (also unconsciously) by others as indictors of our status. But a new set of studies by Dana Carney, Amy Cuddy, and Andy Yap reveals that the relationship between power and posing works in both directions. In other words, holding powerful poses can actually make you more powerful.

In their studies, posing in "high power" positions not only created psychological and behavioral changes typically associated with powerful people, it created physiological changes characteristic of the powerful as well. High power posers felt more powerful, were more willing to take risks, and experienced significant increases in testosterone along with decreases in cortisol (the body's chemical response to stress.)

If you want more power - not just the appearance of power, but the genuine feeling of power - then spread your limbs wide, stand up straight, and lean into the conversation. Carry yourself like the guy in charge, and in a matter of minutes your body will start to feel it, and you will start to believe it.

D. Carney, A. Cuddy, and A. Yap (2010) Power posing: Brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance. Psychological Science, 21, 1363-1368.

8) How To Tell If He Loves You
"If he really loved me, then he would..."

Everyone who's ever been in a relationship has had thoughts like this one. If he loved me he would bring me flowers, or compliment me more often, or remember my birthday, or remember to take out the damn garbage. We expect feelings of love to translate directly into loving behaviors, and often judge the quality and intensity of our partner's feelings through their more tangible expressions. When it comes to love, actions speak louder than words, right?

Well, not necessarily. According to new research by psychologists Lara Kammrath and Johanna Peetz, romantic feelings like love, intimacy, and commitment reliably lead to some loving behaviors, but not others. In their studies, love predicted spontaneous, in-the-moment acts of kindness and generosity, like saying "I love you," offering a back rub, or surprising your partner with a gourmet dinner - the kinds of loving actions that don't require much in the way of forethought, planning, or memory.

On the other hand, love does a lousy job of predicting the kinds of "loving" behaviors that are harder to perform, often because they have to be maintained over longer periods of time (e.g., remembering to do household chores without being asked, being nice to one's in-laws) or because there is a delay between the thought and the action (remembering to buy your wife a gift for her birthday next week, keeping a promise call home during your conference in Las Vegas.). When it comes to the harder stuff, it's how conscientious you are, rather than how much in love you are, that really matters.

So if you're trying to get a sense of how your partner really feels about you, the smaller, spontaneous acts of love that occur without much forethought are a much better indicator of the depth of his love than whether or not he remembers your birthday or to take out the trash.

L. Kammrath & J. Peetz (2010) The limits of love: Predicting immediate vs. sustained caring behaviors in close relationships. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

9) How to Make It Easier to Cut Your Losses
Sometimes, we don't know when to throw in the towel. As a project unfolds, it becomes clear that things aren't working out as planned, that it will cost too much or take too long, or that someone else will beat you to the punch. But instead of moving on to new opportunities, we continue to devote our time, energy, and money to doomed projects (or even doomed relationships), digging a deeper hole rather than trying to climb our way out of it.

Why? The most likely culprit is our overwhelming aversion to sunk costs - the resources that we've put into an endeavor that we can't get back out. We worry far too much about what we'll lose if we just move on, and not nearly enough about the costs of not moving on - more wasted time and effort, and more missed opportunities.

But thanks to recent research by Daniel Molden and Chin Ming Hui, there is a simple way to be sure you are making the best decisions when your endeavor goes awry: focus on what you have to gain, rather than what you have to lose.

Psychologists call this adopting a promotion focus. When Molden and Hui had participants think about their goals in terms of potential gains, they became more comfortable with accepting the losses they had to incur along the way. When they adopted a prevention focus, on the other hand, and thought about their goals in terms of what they could lose if they didn't succeed, they were much more sensitive to sunk costs.

If you make a deliberate effort to refocus yourself prior to making your decision, reflecting on what you have to gain by cutting your losses now, you'll find it much easier to make the right choice.

D. Molden & C. Hui (2010) Promoting de-escalation of commitment: A regulatory focus perspective on sunk costs. Psychological Science.

10) How to Fight With Your Spouse
Having a satisfying, healthy relationship with your partner doesn't mean never fighting - it means learning to fight well. But what is the best way for two people to cope with their anger, frustration, and hurt, without undermining their mutual happiness?

Thankfully, recent research by James McNulty and Michelle Russell provides the answer. The best way to deal with conflict in a marriage, it turns out, depends on how serious or severe the problem is. Did your spouse drink too much at the party last night, or is he drinking too much every night? Did she splurge a little too much on clothes last month, or are her spending habits edging you closer and closer to bankruptcy? Did he invite his mother to dinner without discussing it with you first, or did he invite his mother to live with you without discussing it first? Little problems and big problems require very different approaches if you want to have a lasting, happy marriage.

When it comes to minor problems, direct fighting strategies - like placing blame on your spouse for their actions or expressing your anger - results in a loss of marital satisfaction over time. Flying off the handle when he forgets to pick up the dry cleaning yet again, or when she spends a little too much money on a pricey pair of shoes, is going to take its toll on your happiness in the long run. You really are better off letting the small stuff go.

In response to major problems, however, these same direct fighting strategies predict increased marital satisfaction! Expressing your feelings, blaming your partner and demanding that they change their ways will lead to greater happiness when the conflict in question is something significant - something that if left unresolved could ultimately tear your relationship apart.

Issues involving addiction, financial stability, infidelity, child-rearing, and whether or not you live with your mother-in-law need to be addressed, even if it gets a little ugly. Couples who battle it out over serious issues do a better job of tackling, and eventually resolving those issues, than those who swept big problems under the carpet.

J. McNulty & V.M. Russell (2010) When "negative" behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of problem-solving behaviors on changes in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98, 587-604.

The Top 10 Psychology Studies of 2010 - Part One

2011-03-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

Part One:

The end of 2010 fast approaches, and I'm thrilled to have been asked by the editors of Psychology Today to write about the Top 10 psychology studies of the year. I've focused on studies that I personally feel stand out, not only as examples of great science, but even more importantly, as examples of how the science of psychology can improve our lives.

Each study has a clear "take home" message, offering the reader an insight or a simple strategy they can use to reach their goals, strengthen their relationships, make better decisions, or become happier. If you extract the wisdom from these ten studies and apply them in your own life, 2011 just might be a very good year.

1) How to Break Bad Habits
If you are trying to stop smoking, swearing, or chewing your nails, you have probably tried the strategy of distracting yourself - taking your mind off whatever it is you are trying not to do - to break the habit. You may also have realized by now that it doesn't work. Distraction is a great way to resist a passing temptation, but it turns out to be a terrible way to break a habit that has really taken hold.

That's because habit-behaviors happen automatically - often, without our awareness. So thinking about George Clooney isn't going to stop me from biting my nails if I don't realize I'm doing it in the first place.

What you need to do instead is focus on stopping the behavior before it starts (or, as psychologists tend to put it, you need to "inhibit" your bad behavior). According to research by Jeffrey Quinn and his colleagues, the most effective strategy for breaking a bad habit is vigilant monitoring - focusing your attention on the unwanted behavior to make sure you don't engage in it. In other words, thinking to yourself "Don't do it!" and watching out for slipups - the very opposite of distraction. If you stick with it, the use of this strategy can inhibit the behavior completely over time, and you can be free of your bad habit for good.

J. Quinn, A. Pascoe, W. Wood, & D. Neal (2010) Can't control yourself? Monitor those bad habits. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36, 499-511.

2) How to Make Everything Seem Easier
Most of us have grown accustomed to the idea that our moods, and even our judgments, can be influenced by unrelated experiences of sight and sound - we feel happier on sunny days, more relaxed when listening to certain kinds of music, and more likely to lose our tempers when it's hot and humid. But very few of us have even considered the possibility that our tactile experience - the sensations associated with the things we touch, might have this same power.

New research by Joshua Ackerman, Christopher Nocera, and John Bargh shows that the weight, texture, and hardness of the things we touch are, in fact, unconsciously factored into our decisions about things that have nothing to do with what we are touching.

For instance, we associate smoothness and roughness with ease and difficulty, respectively, as in expressions like "smooth sailing," and "rough road ahead." In one study, people who completed a puzzle with pieces that had been covered in sandpaper later described an interaction between two other individuals as more difficult and awkward than those whose puzzles had been smooth. (Tip: Never try to buy a car or negotiate a raise while wearing a wool sweater. Consider satin underpants instead. Everything seems easy in satin underpants.)

J. Ackerman, C. Nocera, and J. Bargh (2010) Incidental haptic sensations influence social judgments and decisions. Science, 328, 1712- 1715.

3) How To Manage Your Time Better
Good time management starts with figuring out what tasks you need to accomplish, and how long each will take. The problem is, human beings are generally pretty lousy when it comes to estimating the time they will need to complete any task. Psychologists refer to this as the planning fallacy, and it has the very real potential to screw up our plans and keep us from reaching our goals.

New research by Mario Weick and Ana Guinote shows that, somewhat ironically, people in positions of power are particularly poor planners. That's because feeling powerful tends to focus us on getting what we want, ignoring the potential obstacles that stand in our way. The future plans of powerful people often involve "best-case scenarios," which lead to far shorter time estimates than more realistic plans that take into account what might go wrong.

The good news is, you can learn to more accurately predict how long something will take and become a better planner, if you stop and consider potential obstacles, along with two other factors: your own past experiences (i.e., how long did it take last time?), and all the steps or subcomponents that make up the task (i.e., factoring in the time you'll need for each part.)

M. Weick & A. Guinote (2010) How long will it take? Power biases time predictions. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

4) How to Be Happier
Most of us tend to think that if we just had a bit more money we'd get more satisfaction out of life, but on the whole, this turns out not to be true. So why doesn't money make us happier? New research by Jordi Quoidbach and colleagues suggests that the answer lies, at least in part, in how wealthier people lose touch with their ability to savor life's pleasures.

Savoring is a way of increasing and prolonging our positive experiences. Taking time to experience the subtle flavors in a piece of dark chocolate, imaging the fun you'll have on an upcoming vacation (and leafing through your trip photos afterward), telling all your friends on Facebook about the hilarious movie you saw over the weekend - these are all acts of savoring, and they help us to squeeze every bit of joy out of the good things that happen to us.

Why, then, don't wealthier people savor, if it feels so good? It's obviously not for a lack of things to savor. The basic idea is that when you have the money to eat at fancy restaurants every night and buy designer clothes from chic boutiques, those experiences diminish the enjoyment you get out of the simpler, more everyday pleasures, like the smell of a steak sizzling on your backyard grill, or the bargain you got on the sweet little sundress from Target.

Create plans for how to inject more savoring into each day, and you will increase your happiness and well-being much more than (or even despite) your growing riches. And if you're riches aren't actually growing, then savoring is still a great way to truly appreciate what you do have.

J. Quoidbach, E. Dunn, K. Petrides, & M. Mikolajczak (2010) Money giveth, money taketh away: The dual effect of wealth on happiness. Psychological Science, 21, 759-763.

5) How to Have More Willpower
Do you have the willpower to get the job done, or have you found yourself giving in to temptations, distractions, and inaction when trying to reach your own goals? If it's the latter, you're not alone. But more importantly, you can do something about it. New research by Mark Muraven shows that our capacity for self-control is surprisingly like a muscle that can be strengthened by regular exercise.
Do you have a sweet tooth? Try giving up candy, even if weight-loss and cavity-prevention are not your goals. Hate exerting yourself physically? Go out and buy one of those handgrips you see the muscle men with at the gym - even if your goal is to pay your bills on time. In one study, after two weeks of sweets-abstinence and handgripping, Muraven found that participants had significantly improved on a difficult concentration task that required lots of self-control.

Just by working your willpower muscle regularly, engaging in simple actions that require small amounts of self-control - like sitting up straight or making your bed each day - you can develop the self-control strength you'll need to tackle all of your goals.

M. Muraven (2010) Building self-control strength: Practicing self-control leads to improved self-control performance. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 465-468.

The New Humanism

2011-03-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

OP-ED COLUMNIST
The New Humanism

Josh Haner/The New York Times
David Brooks
By DAVID BROOKS
Published: March 8, 2011

Over the course of my career, I’ve covered a number of policy failures. When the Soviet Union fell, we sent in teams of economists, oblivious to the lack of social trust that marred that society. While invading Iraq, the nation’s leaders were unprepared for the cultural complexities of the place and the psychological aftershocks of Saddam’s terror.

We had a financial regime based on the notion that bankers are rational creatures who wouldn’t do anything stupid en masse. For the past 30 years we’ve tried many different ways to restructure our educational system — trying big schools and little schools, charters and vouchers — that, for years, skirted the core issue: the relationship between a teacher and a student.

I’ve come to believe that these failures spring from a single failure: reliance on an overly simplistic view of human nature. We have a prevailing view in our society — not only in the policy world, but in many spheres — that we are divided creatures. Reason, which is trustworthy, is separate from the emotions, which are suspect. Society progresses to the extent that reason can suppress the passions.

This has created a distortion in our culture. We emphasize things that are rational and conscious and are inarticulate about the processes down below. We are really good at talking about material things but bad at talking about emotion.

When we raise our kids, we focus on the traits measured by grades and SAT scores. But when it comes to the most important things like character and how to build relationships, we often have nothing to say. Many of our public policies are proposed by experts who are comfortable only with correlations that can be measured, appropriated and quantified, and ignore everything else.

Yet while we are trapped within this amputated view of human nature, a richer and deeper view is coming back into view. It is being brought to us by researchers across an array of diverse fields: neuroscience, psychology, sociology, behavioral economics and so on.

This growing, dispersed body of research reminds us of a few key insights. First, the unconscious parts of the mind are most of the mind, where many of the most impressive feats of thinking take place. Second, emotion is not opposed to reason; our emotions assign value to things and are the basis of reason.

Finally, we are not individuals who form relationships. We are social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another, who emerge out of relationships.

This body of research suggests the French enlightenment view of human nature, which emphasized individualism and reason, was wrong. The British enlightenment, which emphasized social sentiments, was more accurate about who we are. It suggests we are not divided creatures. We don’t only progress as reason dominates the passions. We also thrive as we educate our emotions.

When you synthesize this research, you get different perspectives on everything from business to family to politics. You pay less attention to how people analyze the world but more to how they perceive and organize it in their minds. You pay a bit less attention to individual traits and more to the quality of relationships between people.

You get a different view of, say, human capital. Over the past few decades, we have tended to define human capital in the narrow way, emphasizing I.Q., degrees, and professional skills. Those are all important, obviously, but this research illuminates a range of deeper talents, which span reason and emotion and make a hash of both categories:

Attunement: the ability to enter other minds and learn what they have to offer.

Equipoise: the ability to serenely monitor the movements of one’s own mind and correct for biases and shortcomings.

Metis: the ability to see patterns in the world and derive a gist from complex situations.

Sympathy: the ability to fall into a rhythm with those around you and thrive in groups.

Limerence: This isn’t a talent as much as a motivation. The conscious mind hungers for money and success, but the unconscious mind hungers for those moments of transcendence when the skull line falls away and we are lost in love for another, the challenge of a task or the love of God. Some people seem to experience this drive more powerfully than others.

When Sigmund Freud came up with his view of the unconscious, it had a huge effect on society and literature. Now hundreds of thousands of researchers are coming up with a more accurate view of who we are. Their work is scientific, but it directs our attention toward a new humanism. It’s beginning to show how the emotional and the rational are intertwined.

I suspect their work will have a giant effect on the culture. It’ll change how we see ourselves. Who knows, it may even someday transform the way our policy makers see the world.

- On the road with my iPhone

30 Habits to Change Your Life

2011-02-14T09:55:00.001-08:00

Developing good habits is the basic of personal development and growth. Everything we do is the result of a habit that was previously taught to us. Unfortunately, not all the habits that we have are good, that’s why we are constantly trying to improve.

The following is a list of 30 practical habits that can make a huge difference in your life.

You should treat this list as a reference, and implement just one habit per month. This way you will have the time to fully absorb each of them, while still seeing significant improvements each month.

Health habits

Exercise 30 minutes every day. Especially if you don’t do much movement while working, it’s essential that you get some daily exercise. 30 minutes every day are the minimum recommended for optimal health.
Eat breakfast every day. Breakfast is the more important meal of the day, yet so many people skip it. Personally, I like to eat a couple of toasts in the morning along with a fruit beverage.
Sleep 8 hours. Sleep deprivation is never a good idea. You may think that you are gaining time by sleeping less, when in reality you are only gaining stress and tiredness. 8 hours are a good number of hours for most people, along with an optional 20 minutes nap after lunch.
Avoid snacking between meals. Snacking between meals is the best way to gain weight. If you are hungry, eat something concrete. Otherwise don’t. Update: for clarification, I mean don’t eat junk food between meals, but eating real food it’s ok.
Eat five portions of fruits and vegetables every day. Our body and brain loves getting vegetables and fruit, so I highly recommend eating as much of them as possible. Five portions is the dose that’s usually recommended by many health associations.
Eat fish. Fish is rich of omega 3 and other healthy elements. At least one meal per week of fish should be enough for getting all these nutrients.
Drink one glass of water when you wake up. When you wake up, your body is dehydrated and needs liquid. Make the habit of drinking one glass of water after you wake up in the morning. Also, drink more during the day.
Avoid soda. Soda is often one of the most unhealthy beverage you can find. Limit your consumption of soda as much as possible and you’re body will be grateful for that.
Keep your body clean. I don’t advise spending your day in front of the mirror, but a minimum of personal care does never hurt.
If you smoke, stop it. There’s no reason to smoke anymore, and quitting is possible.
If you drink, stop it. Same as above. Don’t think that alcohol will solve your problems. It never does. The only exception is one glass of wine per day during meals.
Take the stairs. This is just a hack that forces you to do a minimum of exercise. Instead of taking the elevator, take the stairs.

Productivity habits

Use an inbox system. Make the habit of keeping track of all the ideas and things that comes to mind. You can use a notebook to do this, and then sync everything on your computer.
Prioritize. If you have a list of things to do, where do you start? One way is to prioritize your list. If you are in doubt, ask yourself: “If I could only accomplish one thing today, what would it be?”
Plan, but not too much. Planning is important, and you should decide in advance what you are going to do today or this week. However, planning for more than a few weeks is usually inefficient, so I would not worry too much about that.
Wake up early. Waking up early in the morning is a great way to gain extra time. I personally like to wake up at 5 am, so that by 9 am I have already accomplished what otherwise would have taken me many days..
Check your email only twice per day. Email can easily become an addiction, but it’s usually unnecessary to check it every 10 minutes. Make an effort and check your email only once or twice per day, see if the world will still rotate as before after you try this.
Eliminate unimportant tasks. Being busy all day does not mean you are doing important stuff. Eliminate every activity that’s not important, and focus on what really matters.
Clean off your desk and room. Having a clear room and desk is important to maintain focus and creativity.
Automate. There are a lot of tasks that you need to perform every day or every week. Try to automate them as much as possible.
Set strict deadlines. When you do something, decide in advance when you’re going to stop. There’s a rule that states that you will fulfill all the time you have available for completing a task, so make an habit of setting strict deadlines for maximizing your productivity.
Take one day off per week. Instead of working every day, take one day off per week (for example sunday) where you are not going to turn on your computer. Use that time for doing recreational activities like going for a walk.

Personal Development habits

Read 1 book per week. Reading is a good way to keep your brain active. With just 30 minutes per day you should be able to read one book per week, or more than 50 books per year.
Solve puzzles. Quizzes, word games, etc. are all good ways to exercise your brain.
Think positively. You are what you think, all the time.
Make fast decisions. Instead of thinking for one hour wherever you are going to do something, make your decisions as fast as possible (usually less than 1 minute).
Wait before buying. Waiting 48 hours before buying anything is a tremendous money saver, try it.
Meditate 30 minutes per day. A great way to gain clearness and peace is through meditation. 30 minutes are not a lot, but enough to get you started with meditation.

Career habits

Start a blog. Blogging is one of the best way to put your word out. It doesn’t have to be around a specific topic, even a personal blog will do.
Build a portfolio. If your job is creating stuff, building a portfolio is a great way to show what you are capable of. You can also contribute stuff for free if that applies to your work.

What do you think? What are the habits that changed your life?

Confronting Our Fear of Confronting

2011-02-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

There are many issues, some large, some small, that arise in the workplace and life where a well-placed challenge to the current behaviour of an individual would make a big difference. Yet mostly these confrontations go undelivered or, when they are delivered, the delivery is unintelligible, often subversive, in nature.
What are these situations? And why is it so hard for us to intervene?

In our workshops we have heard of a wide variety of challenging situations that people deal with on a regular basis. These situations impede productivity, positive relationships and job satisfaction. Avoiding these situations or conversely proceeding without a clear plan can be frustrating and on occasion disastrous.

I've included a long list of examples from our clients. You may find one or two that resonate with you. Read them all or skip to the bottom. But the list reminds us just how common this phenomenon is.

Examples of Confronting Situations

A direct report who has an abrasive style
A direct report who loses credibility or undermines his position in sensitive negotiations by talking too much
An individual from North America who wants to have a talk with colleagues from Latin America who defer to her and treat her as a superior rather than work collaboratively
A direct report two levels removed who did not get a promotion, wants to know why and their immediate supervisor is not giving them the feedback they need to improve
Folks in sales who push through sales to questionable clients thereby exposing the company to an unwise level of risk to the company's reputation
Someone whose performance has slipped significantly due to marriage failure
Sales person who is only servicing those referred clients on high margin products and ignoring other clients.
A direct report who is trying to do too much and therefore not doing a good job of anything.
A boss who comes up with a plan of attack and then regularly comes in at the last minute, changes the expectations thereby invoking herculean efforts to meet the new expectations
A colleague who under pressure starts micro managing, checking and rechecking rather than trusting people to follow through
A colleague who is supposed to take over the management of an account and refuses to take the ball and run with it - preferring to deal with issues as they come to him
A direct report who will not ask for help when lacking the skills thereby sabotaging results.

The variety of difficult situations is as varied as the people on the planet. The fears around confronting are always variations of one underlying fear; that we will somehow hurt the other person or get hurt ourselves by doing a bad job. The paradox is that whether we confront or we don't confront the risk for harm to the relationship is equal.

Unfortunately, the risk for opportunity is often completely ignored or dismissed. Rarely do we focus on the opportunity for improved relationships, greater trust and respect, and the amazing opportunity to truly help another person improve and move ahead; to coach them. It's a good thing the same fear doesn't exist in sport or we would have very few Olympic athletes to look up to and no elite sport. Coaches in elite sport have no fear of helping someone get better. Instead they concentrate on perfecting their communications, their delivery, in order to enhance the effectiveness of the assist.

I am not talking here about professional sport where people are paid big salaries and fear is the main tool of control and motivation. I am talking about elite amateur sport where an athlete has nothing to gain but the glory of doing their very best on any given day after slogging through hours and years of payless training. What has helped them do that is a coach who has made sure their efforts and small successes are recognized on a daily basis and their weaknesses are gradually exposed and corrected. It is the second one that makes many of us a little squeamish.

I am reading a book called Switch right now. It's a great book. I recommend it to anyone who manages, teaches, coaches from a developmental bias. Their model for helping someone change is very similar to our coaching model. They just use different words. The authors use the metaphor of someone riding an elephant: the rider is the mind; the elephant is emotion; and the path is the environment, the current situation. They say if you want someone to be successful at changing you have to give clear direction to the rider - so clear they call it a script. You have to engage the elephant, the feelings, and motivate the person to want to get better. We do this through our relationship with the person. And you have to clear the path; remove obstacles, make it easier to change. It's a great metaphor and they use many examples that inspire us to be better ourselves at managing other people. We always need to be surrounding ourselves with inspiration if we are to continue to improve as coaches.

Let's apply this metaphor to changing our own behaviour - our ability to confront competently

We need a clear script for what to say and do, particularly for the opening and the resistance that always surfaces when we ask someone to change.
We need to believe - to feel - that we are doing a good thing. We need to clearly understand our motivation, our intention and feel good about it. This is particularly hard sometimes because our good intention is hidden beneath the negative feelings we are experiencing as we watch this person continuously mess up, so we may be feeling irritated or impatient on the surface. The desire to help this person change is often sitting just underneath our frustration and nervousness about confronting them. We need to connect with that intention.
We need to make sure that correcting the situation is as easy as possible. We need to help them come up with a clear plan and remove organizational obstacles for achieving that plan.

Part of our mandate as a coach/manager is to create an environment where giving staff the feedback they need to get better is seen as normal behaviour; whether the feedback is good or bad. This clears the path for people to hear the feedback within the context in which it is intended. So that means noticing them, commenting on their work, suggesting better methods, listening to their plans, being present to their ongoing development - whether that is comfortable or uncomfortable. We send a clear and inspiring message that we expect you to get better but not without our help.

In our Coaching for Challenging Conversations program we lay out a very clear structure for how to script your assist. You need to word the opening statement clearly and rehearse it. You need to anticipate the resistance and prepare yourself to respond to it and manage it (see previous newsletter). And of course you need to help the person being confronted script the change they want to make.

It is also very important to explore your motivation. We use a series of questions that allow you to get under your current concerns and get to the facts that are really relevant for this person's ongoing development. Questions such as: "What is the overarching purpose of this conversation?", "How do I want to be?" These questions help you get in touch with your best intentions which is exactly where you want to be coming from when you speak to this person.

It takes some time, and a structure, to uncover these things. But once you have the structure you will need less and less time and your confidence will improve as the benefits will occupy more of your mind than the concerns, and procrastination will become less desirable than confronting.
So grab the bull by the horns and get out there and coach. You will be doing the people who work with you and for you a big favour.

By Sandra Stark, Performance Coaching Principal

Neuroscience - Cognitive Control

2011-02-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

Towards the seat of consciousness

The question "what is consciousness?" represents one of the great frontiers of contemporary science. Thanks to studies of humans and animals, we now know that it is a subtly nuanced state whose nature and intensity varies according to the brain's intrinsic level of activity, its chemical microclimate and the information it receives from outside.

By exploiting the normal vicissitudes of waking, sleeping and dreaming states, we are now beginning to explore how consciousness is expressed and controlled. For example, I have been involved in studies comparing brain activation in REM sleep with that in lucid-dreaming states, in which we retain much executive brain function. They seem to confirm the central importance of one specific area of the frontal brain - the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex - in regulating many key aspects of consciousness, including attention, decision-making and voluntary action.

A combination of imaging techniques, judicious measures of subjective experience and detailed cellular and molecular-level studies will continue to deepen our understanding of our cognitive command centres in the coming years. With them we hope to crack the puzzle of consciousness, and perhaps correct the dysfunctional states of the brain we now call mental illness. Allan Hobson

Allan Hobson is emeritus professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, Massachusetts

The connectome

Mental maps

Understanding the routes by which populations of brain cells share information would be a major step towards understanding how our brains function. But although we can infer individual connections, we have no basic wiring diagram of the human brain.

This is hardly surprising. The brain contains approximately 100 billion neurons, and a single neuron may connect to 10,000 others. Yet emerging techniques mean we are now making headway in this daunting task.

Using electron microscopes, for example, we can probe animal brains neuron-by-neuron, connection-by-connection, in the hope of discovering characteristic circuits that repeat themselves throughout the brain. From a wider perspective, brain imaging technologies can map the brain's highways - large "cables" consisting of many thousands of connections between distinct brain regions.

The US National Institutes of Health has begun to fund a major effort, the Human Connectome Project, to generate a comprehensive map of large-scale brain connections in humans. Following its directions, we might arrive at a better understanding of how the brain's regions interact to produce behaviour. Tim Behrens

Tim Behrens is a neuroscientist at the University of Oxford

Mirror neurons

The key to how we learn and think - possibly

The saying "monkey see, monkey do" couldn't be more true. Thanks to "mirror" neurons that fire not only when we perform an action ourselves but also when we see others perform it, our primate brains subconsciously mimic every behaviour they ever witness.

That's the theory, at least. Mirror neurons were first discovered in macaques in the 1990s, and brain scans using functional MRI had hinted that they exist in humans too. But it wasn't until May this year that researchers measured the firing of mirror neurons in humans directly, using electrodes implanted in the brains of epileptic patients awaiting surgery (Current Biology, vol 20, p 750).

While proponents of the power of mirror neurons claim they explain everything from empathy and compassion to a penchant for porn, their exact significance remains controversial. The next few years will see us homing in on what exactly they can and cannot explain about human cognition.

Top-down processing

Our past determines our present

The human eye is a camera that faithfully records everything in front of us, passing the information through the brain's visual processor before it pops out as a conscious experience.

This "bottom-up" process represents the textbook view. In truth, we are realizing that our experience is closer to a form of augmented reality, in which our brain redraws what it sees to best fit our expectations and memories.

The same goes for our other senses, and the growing suspicion is that kinks in this system of "top-down processing" might shed light on neurological disorders such as schizophrenia, autism and dyslexia. Whether or not that turns out to be the case, this idea is radically changing our view of how our past influences our here and now.

Neuronal recycling

Culture is a parasite

The architecture of our brains far predates writing, religion and art. So how come we acquire these cultural traits and abilities with such ease?

The standard answer is that our big, plastic brains have a uniquely flexible and generalized learning capacity. But is that true? The human brain is not homogeneous, after all, but organized into specialised areas. Moreover, brain imaging reveals that abilities such as reading and mathematics have distinct "neuronal niches"; they too are confined to specific brain circuits.

That is compelling evidence for an idea known as neuronal recycling: that our cultural abilities invaded and parasitised brain circuits originally dedicated to evolutionarily older, but related functions. Reading, for example, seems to occupy circuits sensitive to complex shapes and with good connections to areas dealing with language (Reading in the Brain, Viking, 2009). If correct, it is our brains shape our culture, rather than our culture our brains. Human ingenuity is not unlimited, but fundamentally constrained by neural architecture.

Nootropics

Food for thought

You've got a big report to file, and the clock is ticking. If only you could concentrate harder, recall facts and figures more effectively, or just shake off that feeling of fatigue after yesterday's late night.

Soon a brain boost might follow a visit to your local pharmacy. Psychostimulant drugs such as Ritalin and Adderall, prescribed to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, and Aricept, used as a treatment for Alzheimer's disease, have been shown to improve concentration and recall in healthy people, too.

Such drugs are not currently available without a prescription, but some researchers say they should be. Multiply that extra brain power by the 7 billion members of the human race, they say, and the benefits to society and the pursuit of knowledge would soon start to add up. But is a race of drugged-up super-brains what we really want to be? Food for thought indeed.

Restoring Your Reputation

2011-02-02T10:23:00.001-08:00

THE PROBLEM

I recently worked on a very complex and emotional employee issue. I strongly believed the employee needed to be fired—and that was the ultimate outcome—but the employee's manager and vice president strongly disagreed with me. I stand by my decision, but greatly regret how I bullied my way through our shared experience. I behaved like a bulldozer, insisted on my decision being accepted, and actually lost my temper.

Fortunately, I have many years of work experience with these peers and our work relationship has not suffered, but I want to repair the damage and I want to learn from this experience so I don't ever repeat this behavior. I'm not accustomed to losing my cool so I don't know how to make it right. Where do I start?

THE SOLUTION

In ongoing relationships, it's so much easier to let bygones be bygones and let our mistakes and interpersonal problems pass away. You are wise to avoid this easier course. Strong reactions often change our view of others, especially when those reactions are unusual. Your coworkers might be creating stories about you in their minds that could undermine your relationship with them.

You mentioned you are not accustomed to losing your cool. Over time, we get used to the behavior of those we interact with. We come to understand how we each operate and learn what to expect of each other. When someone acts "out of character" or in an unexpected way, we have to rethink our view of the other person to accommodate the unexpected behavior. This is when new stories are created—for better or for worse.

For example, let's say I'm having a bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off, I dropped my toast on the floor butter side down, and on top of all this, someone cut me off in traffic. I'm grumpy, so in our team meeting, I'm curt with Jeff, I roll my eyes at Sally, and I angrily tell Sanja his proposal is stupid. This is unusual behavior on my part. I'm usually a nice guy.

Because this behavior is out of the ordinary, people take notice. Jeff thinks, "Aaaaaaah, a chink in his armor. I knew he wasn't perfect. He has big weaknesses and I'm going to report them on his 360 degree survey." Sally thinks, "He pretends to be nice, but now the real Ron comes out. He's been hiding it this whole time. Now we see the real, mean Ron revealed." Meanwhile, Sanja says, "Hmmmm, Ron's acting weird today. He's usually so nice. He must be having a bad day." Sanja quickly forgets and forgives my bad behavior.

Seeing me behave in an unusual way puts my coworkers on alert. They try to make sense of this and tell themselves stories, which in turn affect how they feel and how they will treat me in the future. My strong reaction is an occasion for people to recreate their stories about me; it also provides an opportunity for me to help shape these stories.

Sincerely apologize. You are wise not to let this incident become an undiscussable and let confusion form their stories of you. I suggest you begin with a sincere apology. There might be an advantage to talking with both the manager and vice president together, given that they were both involved. If they hear the same thing from you at the same time, this could also strengthen your accountability to them.

Such an apology might sound like this: "Thank you for meeting with me. I want to talk with the two of you about the situation with Todd. As I've thought through what happened, I realize I lost my temper. I insisted on my decision and even bullied both of you—behaving more like a bulldozer than a teammate. I'm very sorry; I shouldn't have treated you that way."

If you have a reasonably good relationship with someone, and then slip up, a sincere apology usually acts as a reset button. You get to start over. If, however, you are in a damaged, troubled relationship, a simple apology may be seen as insincere and maybe even manipulative. You need to avoid this possibility by stating your intent then consistently behaving as you promised.

It seems you have a good relationship with your coworkers because you said your relationship "has not suffered," so let's assume they receive your apology as sincere. Now is the time to set new expectations so the story they tell themselves is that your "bullying" was an exception, not the new rule.

Share your good intentions. "After a good deal of reflection, I stand by my decision to fire Todd, but I realize the way I went about it was wrong. I desire to be collaborative and listen completely to both of you as well as to others. Going forward, let me tell you what you can expect from me. I will not push my point of view at your expense. I will not bulldoze or bully and will instead seek a healthy dialogue. I will seek a deep understanding of your point of view and will share mine respectfully. If I slip from this resolve, please help me by reminding me of this commitment and I'll quickly return to dialogue."

These simple skills, sincerely used, can dramatically reframe relationships. Of course, now the hard work begins. It's not critical that you are perfect every day in every way; but it is crucial that others see your efforts to keep your word. When you mess up, apologize in the moment (reset) and start over. This way, others will see that you value your efforts to keep your word more than you value saving face or looking good. Leaders and friends make sacrifices for what they truly value. When you sacrifice your ego to the value of keeping your word, trust and respect result

- On the road with my iPhone

What should I do if I've reached my "peak" in my company and professional growth is stagnant?

2011-01-26T11:47:00.000-08:00

THE PROBLEM

What should I do if I believe I have reached my "peak" in my company and professional growth is stagnant? I posed this question to HR and managers only to receive dull feedback, which makes me feel they have no ideas or suggestions. I suggested I earn another bachelor's degree in a field we need, but the tuition assistance program only permits me to take classes directly related to my current position. I have my letter of resignation ready to go and am simply waiting for the job market to improve, but I hate to start over again and prefer to avoid it if possible. What should I do?

THE SOLUTION

Many people are in your position—often without even knowing it. Their careers have stagnated and their jobs may even be at risk. This is a tough situation, but there are actions anyone can take to regain control of a stalled career.

We went into organizations and asked people: "If you were facing a really tough problem at work, and had time to get input from someone in your work group, who would you go to for the best, most trustworthy advice? You can name up to three people." We found there was a lot of consensus on who these people were. We got what statisticians call a "power curve." Half the people weren't named by any of their peers; however, about ten percent were named by nearly half of their peers and were recognized by everyone as the "go to" people. Not surprisingly, managers also named them as the most promotable.

When we look closely at these highly valued individuals—across a wide range of organizations—we learn they share the same three characteristics:

1. Know Your Stuff. These promotable people are top performers at their current jobs, and put in regular effort to stay on top. If they are software developers then they are among the most skilled at writing code. If they are salespeople then they are among the most skilled at closing sales. They work hard to keep current and hone their craft.

2. Focus on the Right Stuff. Top performers seek out the problems that have the greatest strategic importance to their team, their manager, and their organization—and find ways to contribute in these areas. How do they get to these mission-critical assignments? First, they are intensely interested in understanding their teams', managers', and organizations' priorities, and the challenges these priorities entail. Second, they equip themselves to make their best and highest contribution to addressing these challenges. They work on themselves, their skill set, and their access to critical tasks.

3. Build a Reputation for Being Helpful. Top performers are networkers. But their networks aren't just a collection of business cards and friends. These promotable people use their expertise and time to develop a reputation for being helpful. They become widely known and respected by others because they help others solve their problems.

With this as a backdrop, consider what you can do to position yourself for career growth inside your organization, or potentially in a different organization. Begin with an honest, steely-eyed assessment of where you stand on the three characteristics of highly valued employees. Do you have a reputation for knowing your stuff, focusing on the right stuff, and being helpful?

Second, work to improve your reputation in these areas. Begin by asking some questions that are a bit different from "what are my career opportunities here?" Instead, get some informal time with the leaders and peers you respect most, and ask them about the most important priorities they see, the most critical challenges they face, and the best way you can help them achieve their goals. There is nothing wrong with asking about career opportunities, but those questions haven't yielded the results you want. So, try asking questions that will help you build your reputation.

These suggestions require that you don't allow yourself to be limited to what your organization is willing to sponsor. Instead, you may need to invest your own resources and time outside of work in the short-term to achieve your long-term goals. I also want to emphasize the importance of maintaining strong relationships with HR and your management team. You don't want to have the reputation of a dissatisfied employee—a complainer. That would undercut the very reputation you are trying to build.

- On the road with my iPhone

How To Stop My Boss from Gossiping

2011-01-26T09:23:00.001-08:00

THE PROBLEM

My boss and I have weekly one-on-ones to stay up to date on ongoing projects and initiatives. However, more often than not, my boss uses this time to gossip about her subordinates, coworkers, and superiors. On occasion, I ask, "What does this have to do with me?" but it never ends well, so I am forced to listen.

I've also repeatedly asked my boss to stop gossiping about me to my coworkers, but without fail, after my boss finishes a one-on-one with someone else, they run up to my desk with a tidbit about me.

I want to address this once and for all, but I also want to keep my job so I know I must be delicate. I'd like to have a better relationship with my boss, but can't help but keep the boundaries high and thick given the circumstances.

THE SOLUTION

Before I get to some advice, I'm going to share a few words about issues that affect job satisfaction. My comments here are not based on a scientific study, but on years of consulting with organizations and teams. I hope that at the end of this, you'll see why I started here.

It's important to make a distinction between a "friend" and an "accomplice." A friend is someone who helps you; an accomplice is someone who helps you get in trouble. It is often hard to tell the difference. In the moment, when someone encourages you to do something or engages you in a conversation, it is difficult to foresee the consequences. So, what seems to be a friendly gesture can become the act of an accomplice. Over the years, in hundreds of organizations, I've seen numerous ways in which colleagues become accomplices. Two categories are clearly at the top of the list.

First, colleagues go to silence. There is an epidemic of silence in organizations all around the world, and the consequences are severe. Problems aren't addressed, standards are lowered, wasteful practices are continued, and so on.

When people don't speak up about crucial issues, they become accomplices. Being silent can be a private, individual act because each person has to weigh his or her options and decide if speaking up is the best option. More often than not, the person chooses caution over candor and so problems persist or fester. Peer pressure is also involved in a person's decision to remain silent. Colleagues become accomplices when they make suggestions like, "We don't bring things like that up." Or, "You do that and it will limit your career." Or, "Upper management doesn't listen, ever!" Beware of similar comments.

The second way colleagues become accomplices is by gossiping. Gossip can be identified when you or someone you see talks about a person but not to the person. Almost everyone identifies gossip when they see it or hear it, and yet sometimes this gossip is labeled as something more positive like, "I was just venting." Or, "I was just talking with a friend." Gossip clearly comes with many negative consequences. Trust and respect are diminished—this is true of the team and it is ultimately true of the gossiper. In addition, the time people spend gossiping is non-value-added time. Work isn't getting done. And with weaker relationships, future work will be harder to do.

My point is that you are right to concern yourself with these issues. Silence can be deadly. Gossip is hurtful. So what do you do when you face these immediate, costly issues?

I'll start with a common indirect strategy people use particularly when they don't feel personally capable to hold a direct conversation or they don't think they have a strong enough relationship to hold a direct conversation. This strategy is known as the "rules of engagement" strategy. Rules of Engagement are specific commitments a team agrees to work on that will help them function more effectively. This is done in a small group by brainstorming and it ends with a couple of commitments.

Rules of Engagement help clarify needed behaviors and define boundaries. For example, I've seen the following Rules of Engagement:

1. If we have an issue with a team member, we will talk to that person directly, privately, and in a professional way.

2. In our conversations about our colleagues, we will be positive and supportive.

3. If someone talks to us about a colleague in a way that is not positive, we will encourage him or her to enact rule #1.

These Rules of Engagement are not a panacea. They need to be modified when necessary. You should address these rules in team meetings by asking two questions—"How are we doing?" and "What could we do better?" Rules of Engagement create clear expectations that can positively influence behavior and can make holding others accountable more likely. One of the benefits of this strategy is that it engages the boss and the whole team. You don't have to hold a dozen conversations over time. You might want to see if your boss will lead this conversation. If you can, you are more likely to deal with the issue "once and for all."

Finally, I would like to offer some advice for a more direct conversation. I talked about silence and gossip at the beginning of my response because, when you talk to your boss or your colleagues, you will need to explain what you are trying to achieve. What are the benefits, and what are the costs you are trying to avoid? I hope my descriptions will help.

As you've noted that you've had several conversations with your boss, I think you need to make sure you address the real topic. It could be gossip is not the main issue; it could be that when you have a talk and your boss agrees to take some actions, she doesn't. The real topic is that you see a pattern of breaking commitments and that is affecting your working relationship. If you share your intentions—what you are trying to do and what you are not trying to do—and then share the facts that you see, you will have the right issues on the table.

I talked about Rules of Engagement because I think you have a group problem and you need a solution that will include the group. You may want to practice with a partner or friend before you address the issue again. But you need to address it.

Left Brain Talks To The Right Hand, Study Finds

2010-11-21T00:00:00.001-08:00

Scientists believe hand gestures may have preceded speech.

Our ability to speak and communicate seems to have its origin in the unlikely pairing of the left brain and the right hand.

At least that's the conclusion of a team of French researchers who looked at how our brains process syllables, as well as mouth and hand movements.

And it supports the theory that human speech evolved from sounds and hand gestures.

The team followed the brain activity of 16 right-handed people while they rested or watched a video. When the people heard syllables, areas in the left side of the brain involved in speech fired neurons in time with areas involved in hand and mouth motions.

But when the subjects heard smaller units of speech, called phonemes, these two areas were not synchronized.

The finding, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests that our brains are hard-wired to process gestures and speech and language on the same side of the brain. For right-handed people, that's usually the left side.

It also supports the view that speech arose from a combination of short sounds and hand gestures that were intended to communicate something. Those gestures probably would have been carried out by the right hand, since that is usually the dominant hand.

There's lots of other evidence that gestures were involved in early language, says David Armstrong, who spent decades studying the origin of language before retiring from Gallaudet University, a university for the deaf and hard of hearing in Washington, D.C.

For example, he says, a modern hand capable of sign language seems to have appeared well before the modern vocal tract. [Copyright 2010 National Public Radio]

- On the road with my iPhone

Letting your mind wander is a major cause of unhappiness

2010-11-12T00:04:00.000-08:00

People spend 46.9% of their waking lives thinking about something other than what they're actually doing. It's a terribly inefficient use of one's mind and, worse, it actually seems to make people unhappy.

Letting your mind wander might seem like a bad thing, but really it's just the natural byproduct of being capable of abstract thought. Humans are capable of thinking about things that have happened, things that might happen, and things that may never happen at all. (As a science fiction blog, we rather encourage doing that last part.) Sure, letting your mind wander is a good recipe for goofing off, but it's also a necessary part of contemplation and reflection.

The problem is, whether we're doing it for low or lofty reason, letting our minds wander actually seems to make us demonstrably less happy. So says a new study from Harvard researchers Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, in which they explain:

"A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.

"Mind-wandering appears ubiquitous across all activities. This study shows that our mental lives are pervaded, to a remarkable degree, by the non-present. Mind-wandering is an excellent predictor of people's happiness. In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged."

This may seem like a rather intangible area of study, but the researchers collected over 250,000 data points from 2,250 volunteers. The test subjects used a specially developed iPhone app that contacted them randomly to ask how happy there were feeling, what they were doing, whether they were thinking about what they were doing, and, if not, whether they were thinking about something pleasant instead. In order to more easily organize the data, subjects had to choose from twenty-two general activities, which could be anything from working to eating to walking to having sex. We can only hope the subjects weren't expected to respond immediately if they were prompted during that last one.

They discovered that our minds are wandering about 46.9 percent of the time in any given activity, and the mind-wandering rate was at least 30% for all but one activity. Thankfully, the only activity that generally got people's undivided attention was making love. That was also one of the activities that made people happiest, along with exercising and conversing with others. On average, the least happy activities were resting, working, and using a home computer (unless you're reading this site, of course).

Even more intriguingly, they discovered that people's feelings of happiness had much more to do with where their mind was than what they were doing. Only 4.6% of a person's happiness could be attributed to what they were doing, but 10.8% of it was caused by what they were thinking about at the time, and people consistently reported being happiest when their minds were on what they were doing.

And it does appear the mind-wandering is a cause, not just a correlation. The researchers did separate time-lag analyses that helped demonstrate people's mood was affected by their wandering mind, not the other way around. Of course, as the researchers note, this study is just confirming what many philosophies have been saying for millennia:

"Many philosophical and religious traditions teach that happiness is to be found by living in the moment, and practitioners are trained to resist mind wandering and to 'be here now.' These traditions suggest that a wandering mind is an unhappy mind."

[via Science]

Change Your Brain. Change Your Life.

2010-10-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

To achieve a change your life you first have to change your brain, to change your thoughts and way of thinking. Few are those who have not thought at some point in their lives: «What should I do to change my life». For some this means relief from the «bad» habits such as smoking, alcohol or sweets; for others it is a job that has become intolerable, a weak relationship, something vague that does not meet their needs and sometimes their entire life seems to need a change. Anyone who has tried to change a habit knows that it is not easy. Any change in the way we live is an adventure that requires a lot of strength, patience and persistence. They key for changing your life is in your brain. Those who can manage to change their brain they will manage to change their life.

Every life change is a sacrifice

Each change in your life, even if you want to do it, is a sacrifice, a separation, something that you leave behind. Even if you want to change something that tortures you, that devastates you or something that does not make you feel good, it is a piece of yourself, it is familiar, known, accessible, enjoyable and perhaps something that you love. However, what usually happens is that you believe-or want-to-believe that changing your life is not difficult. That is paradoxical.

Even if our personal experience teach us differently, even if we have tried many times and we have not achieved the change in our life, we always stretch our ears and listen with great interest any advertising that promises to relieve us easily, quickly and painlessly from our bad habits, any story that tells dramatic changes: About someone who lost 20 pounds in one month, about a person who managed to stop smoking from one day to the next, about someone who resigned from his work and set up in little time his successful business, for someone who got divorced after difficult years of marriage and recently found the great love of his life. Encouraged from such striking examples, we put ourselves ambitious targets for the next week – month – season -year. But we often forget them after a few weeks and we end up with a bitter taste of failure that stays deep within us.

Is therefore any effort to change your life doomed to fail? Things are not quite so, although those who have given special focus on changing lifestyle and habits keep a very careful and cautious attitude. There are events in our lives, such as an illness, an accident, which are very strong and they force us to make large and real changes to our lives. But this is the exception. As confirmed by the statistics, 25% of all major “change your life” projects are abandoned on average after 15 weeks. Very few are those who can manage with little effort, from one day to another, to abandon the «bad» habits, addictions and unpleasant situations. For the majority in order to succeed in such a process they must first change their thoughts, their way of thinking. Changing your brain is the major step in the overall change life process. You may not be able to achieve this the first time. Most people pass the same test again and again. Around five to six times is the usual number of failures until «the final round».

To change your brain and your life you need a lot of effort and hard work. This is something we are not aware of when we are considering a change in our lives. This is natural. Who wants to be stressed? Who is willing to suffer deprivation, negative emotions, anxiety, distress, seeking something that is supposed to be better? Even if we can imagine, hear, or hope that the change will be to our benefit, it does not cease to be something vague and uncertain.

The high expectations

The main reason why efforts to change your brain – change your life fail, according to experts is due to the “the false hope syndrome”. Usually people set high standards and have high expectations and the end result makes them think that they failed. For example «I lost only 17 pounds, and I intended to lose 25, I failed». In other cases we want to change many things simultaneously: «I took the decision to start a diet and quit smoking during the next vacation». There are also cases that we believe that a change will change our whole life, will do it better (“I will lose weight, and I will certainly find the love of my life”).

These high expectations do not allow us to be happy and enjoy the small successes and pleasures of life. It’s all in our brain. Instead of being disappointed and filling your brain with negative thoughts you should try and change your brain to use these little things to reward yourself, to take courage and continue. When we see that our dreams are not full field, then we are disappointed and abandon our efforts returning back to our old habits. And even though, the success stories about “life changes” are rare in real life, many people manage to do it. Is there a secret prescription that some people know and they succeed but others don’t?

Change your brain – Change your life – a process that takes time…

To be able to change your life you need to first realize that success and long-term change is a process that requires a lot of time and it is done in phases. This is the outcome of research by doctors and psychologists who researched the issue, particularly with people who wanted to change habits such as smoking, high alcohol consumption, poor diet and sedentary lifestyle. Anyone who really wants to change something has to be armed with patience and perseverance and not looking for easy solutions. They key is changing your brain, your way of approaching life. There are no miracle pills or programs, but some internal processes that you must follow in order to reach the desired result.

Refusal. People in this phase believe that they are fine; while everyone around them sees that there is a problem. This may be due to genuine ignorance, if for example they do not realise how damaging is their attitude, or reaction, when others become pressing.

Awareness. People who are at this stage know they have problems and that they should do something to change their lives. They are still far from being really active. They weight the pros and cons of a change, and usually, at this stage they still find that the disadvantages from a life change are more than the advantages: «If I quit smoking, I will get fat», «if I divorce now, I won’t be able to cope financially». It is a difficult period because, while they feel the desire and the need for change, they feel unable to do so.

Preparation. This stage differs from the previous one is two main areas: The person is giving more attention on the solution of the problem and less attention to the problem as such, it is considering the future more than the past. It starts to think about the steps to follow for a real life change. For example, following a diet, which can be used with out disturbing the rest of the family meal, analyzing the advices for quitting smoking and creating an action plan to quit.

At this stage it is important to give your self as many incentives as possible. Be very specific; imagine the benefits you will receive. The stage hides a danger: the euphoria of preparation can lead to the real change been forgotten. Be careful, make sure that your brain remains active and always try to think how you can achieve the change in your life practically not only theoretically.

Action Plan and perseverance

To make the next step from the pleasant stage of preparation to actually making a change, it is necessary to have a precise «action plan». The more well-thought and researched plan the greater is the chances of success. It is therefore very important to have a good preparation before entering the actual stage where you will implement the change in your life.

The next stage is that of resistance and perseverance. The main difficulty is the pressure from other people, the stability of our appreciation and of course the anxiety and stress that emotionally are forcing us to go back to the old, familiar life. These are all unavoidable, so one should not feel frustrated and give up if there are a few drawbacks in the change process. Changing your brain is not an easy process, most people do not succeed at first, but they succeed after 4-5 failed attempts.

The last stage is that of stabilization, which for many people is a way of life. The change in our habits, our self is a process that may never end permanently. Alcoholics for example must avoid alcohol for a lifetime, if they do not want to start drinking again. What is certain, at whatever stage you manage to get, is that change is a difficult adventure, during which you leave something known for something unknown; you meteor between two situations, and this should make you tender and lenient with yourself.

Be optimistic that you will be able to change your life

You need to make the extra effort and change your brain -your perception- about yourself and imagine yourself as a successful person. How to be successful is about keeping this strong image in your brain, and do not allow it to fade. Over time, this perception will evolve in your brain and will be stimulated.

Do not try to challenge the reality of this intellectual image because it will be dangerous. Your brain will also try to fill in the gaps. Always have in your brain the image of success regardless of any drawbacks or unfortunate events.

Each time that a negative thought concerning your powers and abilities invades your brain, try to change your thoughts and bring to your mind something positive.

Fight and overcome your fears

When building the image of success in your brain do not take into account any possible obstacles, instead try to minimize them. Any difficulties must be analyzed be treated efficiently and eliminated. Try not giving them more power and meaning than they really have. Often fear exaggerates the difficulties and «hides» their true dimension.

Visualize your success

Think of your brain as an image playback unit. These images are generated from your thoughts. They either give us hope, power and creativity or they make us frighten and reluctant to make the next big step and change our lives.

When you are thinking negatively, your brain will create negative thoughts and you will end up with negative reactions. The opposite is the effect of positive thinking and positive thoughts. Positive thinking stimulates our brain to produce positive thoughts and images. To start thinking positive you have to create these positive images in your brain and take advantage of the inspiration and creativity they will create.

Nobody is perfect

This is one of the most important advices. Do not be impressed by other people and certainly do not try to copy them. The only one that can be effective in your life is yourself. Have in mind that that irrespective of how dynamic and successful some people look, they for sure have the same lack of self-confidence and fear as you do.

Analyze your thoughts

Analyse your thoughts. Find out what is causing you the feelings of inferiority and fear. It is possible that these feelings of inferiority have their roots from childhood. In such case it is better to get professional advice from a specialist in order to understand why you feel and behave in a particular way. To change your brain you first need to change your thoughts.

Believe in your skills

Try to understand your skills and things that you are good at and then increase that by 10%. This does not imply that you will become selfish. Instead, you must believe in your own forces and ways in order to be able to change your life. Only when you believe in your self you will be able to change your brain and your life.

Adopt a positive way of thinking

The first step is to change your brain and start thinking positive. The second step is to translate these positive thoughts into creative thinking. Positive thinking alone will not help you, creative thinking will. Creative thinking is about planning and setting goals for the present and future. You can start from simple hacks, everyday things that are part of your daily schedule. Doing this will help you get organised not only physically but also mentally and will let you eventually meet your goals.

Allocate some time for your own personal development

Get active and start transforming your thoughts into actions. Allocate some time from your busy daily schedule for your own self-improvement. Try and find ways to simplify and facilitate your daily obligations, which would result in savings of your valuable time that is needed for your personal development. Give priority in solving the problems of everyday life and then use your creativity and energy to change your life. Focus first on your personal relationships both in your work, family and friends.

Start dreaming about your new life

The power of the brain is enormous. With dreaming alone it can magically take you to places that can make you happy. Use this power of your brain to relax and get inspired for your new life. Do not stop dreaming!

Start dreaming about what you would like to achieve in your life, your relationships and your career. Think about it intensely with as many details as you can. This process will make you feel better and will give you the incentives to reach your goals. Try and do this every day thinking and dreaming, again and again and again!

So, it should be clear by now that if you can change your brain you can change your life. Get rid of the fears, the negative thoughts. Turn your possible failures into success and boost your self-confidence. Make your negative thoughts positive and your will also be more acceptable in your environment. Take control of your brain today and eventually you will be able to change your life, and live the life that you dreamed about for so long. Fight all the evil thoughts from their root and stop them from reaching the surface.

Changing your life is in your hands…or rather is in your brain!

Contribution from the blog:

Status: a more accurate way of understanding self-esteem.

2010-09-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was in Singapore attending the Asian-Pacific Coaching Conference. One of the workshops I attended was about the growing field of neuroscience. The work presented is from David Rock and his book Your Brain At Work. After voraciously reading this book, I jumped onto Mr. Rock's blog and found some insightful pieces.

What follows is an entry from Mr. Rock's blog. Enjoy!

Status: a more accurate way of understanding self-esteem.

As well as sometimes taking on a life of its own, the other trouble with status threats is how easily they can occur, generating a strong threat even in minor situations. Say you are at a meeting with a colleague, and for the first time in your working relationship, he asks to follow up with you about a project. It's likely you will interpret his request as a threat to your status: Doesn't he trust you? Is he checking up on you? Your threat response could make you say something harmful to your career.

Remember that the limbic system once aroused makes accidental connections and thinks pessimistically. Just speaking to your boss arouses a threat. If you manage someone, just asking how his or her day is going can carry more emotional weight than one might think. I propose that many of the arguments and conflicts at work, and in life, have status issues at their core. The more you can label status threats as they occur, in real time, the easier it will be to respond more appropriately.

On the way up

I interviewed an international ballet dancer who used to be a member of the London Royal Ballet. She told me how she was often bored and frustrated as one of many dancers, even though she was in a world-class troupe. That all changed when she moved to a smaller, less known, troupe in her home city, but now was the leading soloist. She explained, "Finally I am the highest paid dancer in the company. I am the one at the front of the room. The minute you're at the front of the room, there's no boredom at all. The focus is on you, the space is your space, you feel at the top."

Studies of primate communities show that higher status monkeys have reduced day-to-day cortisol levels, are healthier, and live longer. This isn't just monkey business (sorry for the pun.) There is an entire book, The Status Syndrome by Michael Marmot, illustrating that status is a significant determinant of human longevity, even controlling for education and income. High status doesn't just feel good. It brings along very real rewards, too.

Status is rewarding not just when you have achieved high status, but also anytime you feel like your status has increased, even in a small way. One study showed that saying to kids "good job" in a monotonous recorded voice activated the reward circuitry in kids as much as a financial windfall. Even little status increases, like beating someone at a card game, feel great. We're wired to feel rewarded by just about any incremental increase in status. Many of the world's great narratives (and some of our not so great television franchises) have status at their core, based on two recurring themes. These stories involve either ordinary people doing extraordinary things (giving you hope you could have higher status one day) or extraordinary people doing ordinary things (giving you hope that even though may be ordinary, you are basically the same as people with high status.) Even an increase in hope that your status might go up one day seems to pack a reward.

An increase in status is one of the world's greatest feelings. Dopamine and serotonin levels go up, linked to feeling happier, and cortisol levels go down, a marker of lower stress. Testosterone levels go up too. Testosterone helps people focus, feel strong and confident, and even improves sex drive. With more dopamine and other "happy" neurochemicals, an increase in status increases the number of new connections made per hour in the brain. This means that a feeling of high status helps you process more information, including more subtle ideas, with less effort. With the reduced threat response, you are more able to think on multiple levels at once.

People with higher status are better able to follow through with their intentions more-they have more control, more support, and more attention from others. Being in a high-status state helps you make the connections that your brain expects to make, which puts you in an upward spiral toward even more positive neurochemistry. This may well be the neurochemistry of "getting on a roll."

Getting and staying on a high

You can elevate your status by finding a way to feel smarter / funnier / healthier / richer / more righteous / more organized / fitter / stronger or by beating other people at just about anything at all. The key is to find a "niche" where you feel you are "above" others.

If you video recorded a standard weekly team meeting in most organizations, you might find that a large percentage of the words spoken every are intended to edge an individual's status higher, or edge other people's status lower. This bickering, the corporate equivalent of sibling rivalry, largely happens unconsciously and wastes the cognitive resources of billions of people.

The ongoing fight for status has other downsides. While competition can make people focus, there's will always be losers in a status war. It's a zero sum game. If everyone is fighting for high status, they are likely to feel competitive, to see the other person as a threat.

If you want to have a potentially threatening conversation with someone, try talking down your own performance to help put the other person at ease. Another strategy for managing status is to help someone else feel that his or her status has gone up. Giving people positive feedback, pointing out what they do well, gives others a sense of increasing status, especially when done publicly. The trouble is, giving others people positive feedback may feel like a threat, because of a sense of a relative change in status. This may explain why, despite employees universally asking for more positive feedback, employers seem to prefer the "deficit model", pointing out people's faults and performance gaps, over a strengths-based approach.

These two strategies-putting your status down and others' up-only help other people with their status, and may actually threaten yours. So where can you get a nice burst of confidence-inducing, intelligence-boosting, performance-raising status around here, without harming children, animals, work colleagues or yourself?

Getting a status-rush without harming others' status

There's only one good (non-pharmaceutical) answer that I can find so far. It involves the idea of "playing against yourself." Why does improving your golf handicap feel so good? Because you raise your status against someone else, someone you know well. That someone is your former self. "Your sense of self comes online around the same time in life when you have sense of others. They are two sides of same coin," Marco Iacoboni explains. Thinking about yourself and thinking about others use the same circuits. You can harness the power of the thrill of "beating the other guy" by making that other guy (or girl) you, without hurting anyone in the process. To play against yourself gives you the chance to feel ever-increasing status, without threatening others. I have a hunch that many successful people have worked all this out and play against themselves a lot.

In summary - I think it's time we rethink self-esteem. Status appears to be a more accurate way of thinking about what self esteem is really about. It's a highly dynamic issue. By rethinking self-esteem we can create more accurate ways of intervening with those struggling with low status, like changing one's environment, or finding domains of life where one can experience higher status, or learning to play against yourself.

Cofronting Bad Behavior

2010-09-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Crucial Skills,

I am having problems at family mealtimes. My husband's table manners are not good—he eats like a hungry animal and spoils the dining experience. I have done my best to ignore his behavior over the years, but my teenage daughter is upset by it and I think his manners are getting worse.

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

I read your question at the end of my workday, so it was on my mind when I sat down to dinner with my wife. I can be guilty of poor table manners—eating too quickly, taking large mouthfuls, and talking while I chew. And I don't always react well to being reminded about my table manners. After all, it's not like I'm spilling food on the floor or eating with my hands.
I see three challenges in this conversation. First, you don't want your husband to feel attacked or disrespected. That's not your goal, and it would provoke defensiveness. Second, you're dealing with an entrenched habit that will take some time and attention to change. It won't be a single conversation. And third, because your husband will need reminders, you run the risk of coming across as a nag. Somehow you need your husband to take responsibility for making the change.

Find mutual purpose. Before the discussion, consider your mutual purpose. What purpose does your husband share for making the change? What goal does your husband have that his eating habits are impeding or thwarting? For example, many couples see family meals as opportunities to communicate and connect. Do you and your husband share this goal?
In addition, your husband may have other goals that are thwarted by a slow dinner. Maybe he is rushing to get to an activity. Or maybe the current dinner conversations are less about communication and connection than about tasks and assignments. Are there ways to make family dinners more convenient and pleasurable?

Describe the gap. Start by explaining your positive intentions, and then describe what you expect and the behaviors you are observing. Avoid inflammatory language, e.g., "You eat like a hungry animal."
Here is an example: "I'd like to see if we can use our family dinners to connect more as a family, especially with our daughter. Is it okay if I share some specifics that I think would help?" Give your husband a chance to respond here. You want to create safety so he won't feel attacked.
Be ready to present your issue. For example, "I have noticed that you eat very fast, making dinner time feel more like a race than a time to be together. I'd like us to spend more time together over meals, and to include more conversation. Are you aware of how fast you eat?" Again, give your husband time to respond. Listen to his perspective, but don't lose track of the issue you want to address.
Be ready to respond and reinforce the behavior you want to change. For example, "I would like you to slow down when you eat and help all of us take advantage of the time we have together."
Check with your daughter before you bring her into this discussion. Make sure you aren't hiding behind your daughter—that you present this issue as your concern. But also, don't keep your daughter's concerns a secret from your husband. Every father has a right to know when he's spoiling a relationship with one of his children.

Get his buy-in on the broad issue, and then ask for permission to remind him. Our eating habits are both personal and tough to change. We've practiced them so often that they've become a part of our automatic pilot. Even when we want to change, we fail to notice when we slip into our old ways. Ask your husband whether it's okay to remind him when you see him slip, and together develop a cue that won't be embarrassing. For example, you might use a question like, "What was the high point of your day?"

Actually remind him. It's inevitable your husband will slip, and exhibit his bad table manners. Let's suppose you see him take a giant bite out of a pork chop, argue a point while balancing a meatball on his tongue, or pick his back molars with his index finger. Use your cue, and, if necessary, talk to him later in private. Remind yourself that when your husband slips, it's not because he doesn't care. It takes time to change long-standing habits.

Focus on a positive vital behavior. If you determine that one of the purposes for having your husband eat slower is to improve family connections during meals, then you can take some positive steps that will help promote the kind of exchange you desire.
I'll share one strategy you can use to promote dialogue among all parties at the table. I learned it from Al Switzler, my VitalSmarts colleague. It's a game that's designed to build and practice conversational skills.

Having a conversation is like playing tennis. One person serves up the topic, and then you both volley the conversation back and forth. The goal is to keep the conversation in play. If I serve up the topic, then your role is to respond to my volley in a way the keeps the conversation alive. After a while we switch servers, so the other person has to come up with topics to discuss.
Imagine that you, your husband, and your daughter practiced this conversation game for at least part of your dinner meal. It's incompatible with speed eating, and it contributes to your long-term mutual purpose. Try to have your husband, not you, take the lead on explaining and initiating this kind of activity.

Finally, be patient, and put this problem into its proper perspective. Many habits are much worse than bad table manners, but few are harder to change.

Having a difficult conversation.

2010-07-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Many of us in our personal or professional lives have avoided crucial conversations, not just over weeks and months, but sometimes over years or even decades. How do we even begin to strategize about conversations that have been on the back burner for this long?

I am inspired to see someone who has disempowered themselves for years finally own their agency. I think all of us are challenged to examine and improve ourselves when we see someone take such an enormous step. I salute you for taking this step yourself.

There are two fundamental principles you must not violate if you decide to finally step up to a crucial conversation after a long period of silence.

First, given that you have enabled the bad behavior of the other person for so long, you owe them some patience as you announce your intention to discontinue your willing submission of unacceptable circumstances.

Now, in saying this, let me be clear that I am absolutely not suggesting you tolerate abuse, malfeasance, or the ill effects of incompetence one second longer than today. I am simply suggesting that your enduring collusion in shaping the other person's bad behavior places a responsibility on you to be understanding if they take some time to disentangle from this long practice.

For example, let's say I've had a boss who has frequently been dishonest about expectations. He hypes the possibility of future raises, promotions, or opportunities in order to keep me motivated then appears to do little to make them happen. In the end, he's always got an excuse and another fair promise for the future.

For years, I have simply grumbled under my breath or gossiped to others about his manipulative ways but never taken responsibility to either require other behavior from him or quit the relationship. As a recent Crucial Conversations grad I've decided to candidly express my concerns.

What I'm suggesting here is that while the crucial conversation may go well, you'd be foolish to lay down ultimatums expecting that his deeply entrenched behaviors may change instantly. My goal in the conversation should be to a) agree on ground rules—how he will and won't treat me in the future; and b) agree on how I'll respond if he transgresses these agreements. It is part "b" that acknowledges that you're going to give him some time to adapt to the new reality, but also that you'll hold him accountable. If your goal in the crucial conversation is to get him to stop immediately and never fall back into old ways, you are failing to give him the same allowance you had in bringing about your own change. You took years to adapt. Giving him a few weeks is only fair.

The second principle helps you Make It Safe while also Mastering Your Story in how you feel toward him. This is a principle of ownership. You must own the fact that the bad situation is not just about him, it's also about you. As you begin the conversation, make it clear that there is a pattern the two of you have been involved in that you are committed to changing. Don't blame him exclusively—own up to the fact that you've enabled it.

For example, you might begin, "I'd like to discuss something I'm embarrassed to admit I've been doing for many years. It's been wrong of me to not speak up about it in the past but I've decided to do so now. I've blamed you for many years for it going on, and that has been unfair. I've been a part of the problem, and I don't want to do that anymore. May I discuss this with you?"

Whether or not these are the perfect words, what I'm suggesting is that your "story" needs to be one that stops painting you as a victim and him as the villain. You need to take ownership. This will help you approach him as a reasonable, rational and decent person—someone kind of like you. In addition, you'll Make It Safe for him because you're approaching him as a normal, fallible human being, rather than as a reprobate villain. You're approaching him with the utmost confidence that he, like you, can change. That expression of confidence is an enormous show of respect.

Now with all that said, you should expect him to go through a period of defensiveness. The first conversation may be confusing, upsetting, and provocative to him. If this is the case, don't go in with the goal of solving it in one sitting but rather to open up the issue. Ask if you could just tee it up and then allow him to reflect on it and get together after a few days when he has collected his thoughts. It's only fair—you had years to get ready to talk, you should allow him some time to adapt to the new reality as well.

With all that said, let me conclude that by no means am I suggesting that if you are being hurt physically or emotionally, or if others are being damaged by the other person's actions, you should allow this to continue one day longer. In these instances you have an obligation to take a hard stand on what must happen now, while allowing for patience and adjustment in areas where you owe the person the same season for change that life has allowed you.

Thanks for your inspiring question—and best wishes as you change your world—and hopefully, that of others.

8 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 22

2010-07-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

When I was 22, I wouldn’t have listened to my old curmudgeonly self. I would have said, “You don’t get it”, then put my headphones back on and headed over the Haymarket. I might have written about it on my blog over at TheGlobe.com (remember that site?) under my pen name ‘nehalennia’. 1999 was a great year, and I was going to make a million trillion dollars working teh internets. Instead I got laid off from my dot com job and ran into the warm embrace of reliable employment. So despite the fact that I wouldn’t have taken my own advice, here are 8 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 22:

1. Pick a career you love; you don’t have to give into the pressure to be practical. Everyone changes careers over their lifetime; why not experiment with one that you are crazy about? Worst case scenario, you go get that crappy corporate job when you’re 28 and let the cool waters of 9-5ing wash away any memories of your failed Falafel-R-Us Gift Basket business.

2. Pay off your credit card debt and don’t buy so much stuff. Does every college do this? Offer credit cards at the student union, and in exchange for filling out an application, they gift you a candy bar? I was hungry! I was broke! Sign me up! Thankfully I was so thoroughly burned the first time, I learned my lesson.

3. Your student loans can be deferred practically indefinitely. After graduation, just call them and ask for a deferment. They will bend over backwards to make deferring easy to do. In six months when your deferment is over, call them up and do another. Repeat as needed.

4. It doesn’t cost as much as you’d think to travel. You don’t need to save $50,000 to spend a year overseas. If you’re young, willing to sleep anywhere (hello, couchsurfing!) and go to countries off the beaten tourist track, then you can survive on much less (I’ve heard as low as $1000/mo).

5. The job you have right now is not that important. If I were an employer I would only hire ambitious twenty something’s. They will knock themselves out working incredibly hard on stuff that barely matters. Try to get a 35 year old to take photocopying that seriously and you’re more likely to get your dog to iron your suit in the morning.

6. You don’t need a safety net. You can figure this out. The idea of being out there, with nothing to catch you if everything goes wrong may make your stomach do little flips, but really, you’ll be just fine.

7. This is the best time in your life to travel carefree. If you wait it’s going to be more complicated financially and emotionally. Now instead of putting on a backpack and heading out the door, I’ve got to cancel leases, forward mail, set up online payment arrangements, sell a ton of stuff, convince my family that I don’t need an MRI “just in case this idea is a sympton of a brain tumor”, and wrangle with complex stuff like dodging the “when are you going to have kids” question.

8. Did you read #7? Go Travel Now!

Great article from www.almostfearless.com.

How to Banish Bad Habits and Control Temptations

2010-07-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

Everyday people are trying to stop one bad behavior or another. I thunk most of us have personal experience as to how difficult it can be.

PsyBlog has articulated this challenge in an excellent blog entry, which has been duplicated here. The original article can be found at www.psyblog.com. Enjoy!

Anyone who has ever found themselves trying to turn on the bathroom light seconds after phoning the power company to ask how long the power cut will last, knows how easily habits bypass our conscious thought processes.

Part of the reason habits are so difficult to change is they are triggered unconsciously, often by situations we've encountered time and time again. Before going into the bathroom: turn on the light. After getting new email: waste 10 minutes aimlessly surfing the web.

Temptations, on the other hand, play more on visceral factors like hunger, sex or thirst. We see a muffin and can't resist.

New research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by Quinn et al. (2010) suggests a different strategy for changing a bad habit than for resisting a temptation.

"Don't do it!"

First, though, the researchers wanted to find out what habit-control strategies people use in everyday life. Ninety-nine students kept diaries of their battles with bad habits and temptations. Over 7 or 14 days they recorded each time they felt like giving in to a temptation or a bad habit they were trying to get rid of.

Top of the list for unwanted activities were excess sleeping, eating and procrastination (no big surprises there in a sample of students). The top strategies to combat these were:

Vigilant monitoring: watching out for slip-ups and saying "Don't do it!" to yourself.
Distraction: trying to think about something else.
Stimulus control: removing the opportunity to perform the habit, say by leaving the bar, fast-food restaurant or electronics store.

For strong habits it was the vigilant monitoring that emerged from self-reports as the most useful strategy, with distraction in second place. While for strong temptations rather than habits, participants reported that stimulus control was the most effective strategy while monitoring dropped to third place behind distraction.

For both weak habits and weak temptations the strategy used mattered less, although for weak temptations the monitoring strategy emerged as the best.

How to defy a bad habit

As you'll be gathering from reading PsyBlog, though, psychologists are suspicious of what people say. Instead they like experiments to see what people do. So, in a second study they used a lab-based analogue of real life, to see if vigilant monitoring really is an effective strategy for controlling strong habits.

Sixty-five participants learned one response to a word, then in a second study had to change this response in defiance of the habit they'd built up.

Backing up the first study, the experiment found that vigilant monitoring was the most successful short-term strategy for suppressing a strong habit. Once again for weak habits the type of strategy used made little difference.

Habits versus temptations

So, why does vigilant monitoring work for habits but not for temptations? Quinn et al. argue that it doesn't work for temptations because watching out for slip-ups heightens our attention to the temptation which we are, ironically, once again tempted by. Stimulus control, though removes the opportunity: out of sight, out of mind.

Unlike temptations, habits are learnt by repetition and so they can sneak in under the radar. We find ourselves repeating them without thinking. Vigilant monitoring probably works because it helps us notice the habit and remember that we wanted to change it.

The bad news

But, as anyone who has ever tried to change a long-held habit will know, continually monitoring for bad habits is tiring and some days your self-control is weaker than others.

This isn't helped by what are known as 'ironic processes of control' which I cover in my series '10 more brilliant social psychology studies'. This is the idea that monitoring a thought in the hope of getting rid of it only makes that thought come back stronger.

In the long-term it may be necessary to try and replace the old habit with a new one. Unfortunately this new habit is likely to be much more unstable than the old one.

I'd like to leave you with better news but sometimes it's good to know the worst. We are often slaves to our habits and many of these habits are extremely hard to change because they are triggered outside our conscious awareness. Anyone who tells you different is either lying to themselves or trying to sell you a quick-fix that probably won't work.

- On the road with my iPhone

Finding Middle Ground

2010-06-24T00:55:00.001-07:00

Every week I receive an email from the Crucial Conversations site that address different conversational challenges. This week the issue is to how to find middle ground where two sides are completely polarized.

Question

When I try to have crucial conversations about issues where there seems to be no middle ground (i.e., abortion, global warming, politics), people often respond with over-the-top, dismissive, and divisive statements. How can I effectively hold crucial conversations about high-stakes topics with those who engage in aggressive ways?

Signed,
Seeking Middle Ground

Dear Seeking,
Several years ago in London, I hailed a taxi for the 45-minute trip from Gatwick airport to my hotel. After I informed the driver of my destination, he turned back and said, "You have an American accent. Are you American?"

"Yes," I responded.

He then made a pretty bold generalization about the culture I came from.

It was late at night. I was a bit tired. I weighed my willingness to engage in an energetic conversation and as I considered ignoring the comment I thought, "I should be able to do this. I should be able to talk to someone with a strong opinion even if I don't fully agree."

As this challenge took shape in my mind, I found myself more interested in a dialogue. I had no intention of trying to change his mind, but I thought, "Here's a guy who wants to be heard. And if there's hope for the world it's only if people like him and me can disagree in a respectful way." With this moral mission in mind, I responded.

"Not too worried about your tip, I take it?" I said and smiled at his eyes in the mirror.

He broke into a broad grin, then continued, saying that he loved Americans, but again reiterated some strong generalizations.

His voice got louder and his face redder the more he spoke. I began to wonder if I should just nod and smile or if I should really engage. But I returned to my conviction that until we can find peaceful ways of disagreeing we have no hope of creating real peace in the world. At one point in what turned into a five-minute monologue I patted the back of his seat to interrupt him.

"Hey, my friend. May I ask you a question?"

He looked into the rear view mirror and paused. "Sure. This is your taxi at the moment."

"You know, I am from the U.S. and don't get as much contact as I'd like with people who have a whole different experience than I do. I am very interested in hearing your views. And I may agree with some of them but disagree with others. Are you interested in mine, too, or should I just hear you out?"

"Oh, no," he practically crooned. "I want a debate!"

"Okay, then how about this. You take the first five minutes and then I get the next five. At the end, I don't care if we both agree on everything or not, but I'm guessing we might both be a little smarter. How is that?"

He laughed heartily, turned to face me full on and said, "You are a strange man. But that is a deal."

I don't know that my taxi-driver friend ended up seeing the world any differently when we were done with that ride, but I did. Not that my opinions were profoundly altered, but they were tested in a way I was grateful for. Most importantly, I was encouraged to discover that dialogue was possible with someone who held strong views and who seemed initially uninterested in anything but a monologue.

This is what I've found to be helpful in such a controversial conversation:

1. Talk about how you'll talk. If you're having a one-sided conversation but would like a dialogue, and it's not going that way, stop the conversation and come to agreement about ground rules. You can do this in a very respectful way by letting the person know you are interested in their views and want to continue the conversation. Then ask for time boundaries, or lower volume, or whatever will help you engage in a healthier way.

2. Check your motives. Be sure your interest in the conversation is sincere. If you just want a chance to demonstrate the perfection of your own opinions, expect the same from the other person. Fair is fair. But if you want dialogue, be sure you are open to new information or perspectives. If you are sincerely interested in getting smarter not just looking smart, you'll behave in ways that will invite the same from the other person.

3. Encourage disagreement. We've learned a startling truth about dialogue. People are okay with you expressing even very strongly held views so long as you are equally genuine in your invitation of their disagreement. Before sharing your opinions, make a statement like, "You know, I've got a really strong opinion on this. I've thought a great deal about it and read pretty widely, and I'd like to tell you my view. But at the end, if you see holes in it, or if you have new information I don't have, I desperately hope you'll challenge me with it. I really want to learn from your view in any way I can." This sincere invitation takes the fighting wind out of others' sails. They realize they don't have to beat you over the head with their opinions because you're asking for them!

4. Never miss a chance to agree. Finally, don't go for efficiency. When we agree on 50 percent of a topic and disagree on 50 percent we tend to move quickly to the disagreements because those are what interest us most. And besides, life is short, so why not start with the fight, right? Wrong! If you want worthwhile dialogue, take the time to listen for points on which you agree. Point them out. Confirm them. Put them in the "Pool of Shared Meaning." Then—and only then—move to the areas of disagreement. When you do this you reaffirm that your goal is not to win, it's to learn.

I hope these modest ideas are useful to you as you engage with others. I truly believe the future of humanity lies in our capacity to develop mutual purpose and mutual respect across the planet—and that happens one crucial conversation at a time.

Thank you for your interest in advancing public discourse about our most crucial issues.

Pump It Up: Eleven Tips for Exercising Regularly

2010-06-23T05:16:00.000-07:00

Exercise is one of the keys to happiness. Research shows that people who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, and have delayed onset of dementia. They get relief from anxiety and mild depression, comparable to medication and therapy. They perform better at work.

Also, although it’s tempting to flop down on the couch when you’re feeling exhausted, exercise is actually a great way to boost energy levels. Feeling tired is a reason to exercise, not a reason to skip exercise.

But even when you admit that you’d feel better if you exercised, it can be very hard to adopt the habit. My idea of fun has always been to lie in bed and read, preferably while also eating a snack, but I’ve managed to keep myself exercising by using all these tricks on myself:

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week. Along the same lines …

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. As the day wears on, you’ll find more excuses to skip exercising. Get it checked off your list, first thing.

3. Never skip exercising two days in a row. You can skip a day, but the next day, you must exercise, no matter how inconvenient.

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. My father always said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. Many times, by promising myself I could quit ten minutes after I’d started, I got myself to start—and then found that I didn’t want to quit, after all.

5. Think about context. I thought I disliked weight training, but in fact, I dislike the guys who hang out in the weight-training area. Are you distressed about the grubby showers in your gym? Do you try to run in the mornings, but recoil from going out in the cold? Examine the factors that might be discouraging you from exercising.

6. Exercise several times a week. If your idea of exercise is to join games of pick-up basketball, you should be playing practically every day. Twice a month isn’t enough.
7. If you don’t have time to both exercise and take a shower, find a way to exercise that doesn’t require you to shower afterward. Twice a week, I have a very challenging weight-training session, but the format I follow doesn’t make me sweat. (Some of you are saying, “It can’t be challenging if you don’t sweat!” Oh yes, believe me, it is.)

8. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer or more convenient gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer to keep track of your walking distances? Exercise is a high life priority, so this a worthwhile place to spend some money if that helps.

9. Think of exercise as part of your essential preparation for times you want to be in especially fine form—whether in performance (to be sharp for an important presentation) or appearance (to look good for a wedding) or mood (to deal with a stressful situation). Studies show that exercise does help.

10. Remember one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood, courtesy of Voltaire: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t decide it’s only worth exercising if you can run five miles or if you can bike for an hour. I have a friend who scorns exercise unless she’s training for a marathon—so she never exercises. Even going for a ten-minute walk is worthwhile. Do what you can.

11. Don’t kid yourself. Belonging to a gym doesn’t mean you go to the gym. Having been in shape in high school or college doesn’t mean you’re in shape now. Saying that you don’t have time to exercise doesn’t make it true.

People often ask me, “So if I want to be happier, what should I be doing?” and I always say, “The first thing to do is to make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep and plenty of exercise.”

I know that answer doesn’t sound properly transcendent and high-minded on the subject of happiness, but research shows that you’d be wise to start there. And I’ve found that if I’m feeling energetic and well rested, it’s much easier to follow all my other happiness-inducing resolutions.

Originally published on The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Sticky Teams

2010-06-01T06:41:00.001-07:00

Any time you have two or more people who have to cooperate or work in some form or fashion, you are going to have natural drift that will arise in the relationship(s).

Picture for a moment a layer of sheet ice - a thin layer of ice that floats on water. Now, If you take a hammer to the sheet ice it will shatter into a number of pieces. The natural tendency of these individual pieces is to drift away from each other, unless concentrated effort is invested to hold them together in a cluster.

The sheet ice is a simple metaphor to illustrate the relations between people. If concentrated effort is not invested to hold the relationships together, people tend to drift from away from each other. This is true for families, sport teams, rock groups, corporate teams or just about any other type of group you can think of.

Think about your own history. There have been people in your life who were once very close, but have since drifted away. Perhaps you moved (or they) to a new company, a new city or a new country. Life moves on for all parties and everyone gets wrapped up in their own existences.

Then you will have other relationships that you have maintained and strengthened despite what has transpired over time. A concentrated effort has been invested to build and maintain strong bridges between the fragmented sheet ice.

It is not only physical distance (i.e. new company, city or country) that can be the cause of relation drift. The distance can also be mental. People may still be part of the same group, see each other everyday, and on paper are formerly regarded as a group. It's just that mentally they have distanced themselves from each other. In family groups the word 'estranged' is used. In corporate groups it is commonly known as 'silos'.

How does a group overcome this natural drift?

From my experience working with groups (mainly teams within organizations) I have found there are three key-elements required to keep groups intact, functioning and healthy.

1. The ability to build and maintain relationships.
2. Specific dialogue skill-sets.
3. Creating a space/venue/arena for safe and healthy interaction.

If you have all three elements in place and a concentrated effort is invested in maintaining and improving these elements, the result is team cohesiveness. What I like to call Sticky Teams.

The above three elements do not reqiuire a PhD in psychology. It just requires a little education and a whole lot of common sense. Most people have a least one strong working/professional relationship, which is a very good indication that they are applying the three elements of sticky teams/groups. The challenge is to repeat the behavior with those relationships that are important, but seem to be in drift.

In my following blog posts I will go into deeper details about each of these elements.

- On the road with my iPhone

60 Inspirational Quotes

2010-05-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

Wisdom and Inspirational Quotes
1. It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.
—Albert Einstein
2. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
—Woody Allen
3. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
—Wilson Mizner
4. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
5. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
—William Arthur Ward
6. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake.
—Frank Wilczek
7. You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.
—Eric Hoffer
8. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
—Albert Einstein
9. Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.
—Alfred A. Montapert
10. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
—Bill Cosby
11. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
—Spanish Proverb
12. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
—Oscar Wilde
13. There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.
—Harold Stephens
14. It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
—Alfred Adler
15. I hear: I forget / I see: I remember / I do: I understand
—Chinese Proverb
16. Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most.
—Unknown Author
17. The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself.
—Wallace Wattles
18. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
—Barry LePatner
19. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
—Abraham Lincoln
20. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
—Winston Churchill
Humor Quotes
21. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
—Joe Martin
22. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
—Ambrose Bierce
23. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Noel Coward
24. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
—Will Rogers
25. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
—George Burns
26. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
27. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
—Groucho Marx
28. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
—Sam Levenson
29. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
—Unknown Author
30. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
—Calvin Trillin
31. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
—David Richerby
32. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
—Garry Shandling
33. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
—Jack Benny
34. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
35. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
36. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.
—Ted Turner
37. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
—Henny Youngman
38. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
—Groucho Marx
39. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
—Douglas Hofstadter
40. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
—Franklin P. Jones
Otherwise Interesting Quotes
41. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
—Albert Einstein
42. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
—Susan Erz
43. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
—Pablo Picasso
44. A genius! For 37 years I’ve practised fourteen hours a day, and now they call me a genius!
—Pablo Sarasate
45. There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.
—Don Herold
46. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
—Michael Althsuler
47. The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
—Orville Mars
48. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
—George Bernard Shaw
49. In God we trust; all others bring data.
—Dr. W. Edwards Deming
50. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
—Mark Twain
51. Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
—Mark Twain
52. My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
—Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.
53. Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to complex and intelligent behavior. Complex rules and regulations give rise to simple and stupid behavior.
—Dee Hock
54. Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.
—Albert Einstein
55. In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.
—Dwight D. Eisenhower
56. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
—Niels Bohr
57. Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them.
—Unknown Author
58. Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
59. It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
—Harry Truman
60. A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
—Martin H. Fischer

Cohesion -- Sport Psychology with Karlene Sugarman, M.A.

2010-05-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

There are many group dynamics that take place within a sporting team. One of the most important is cohesion. One is always hearing about how important it is for a team to "gel" or "bond" or "have good chemistry." Cohesive teams can achieve dramatic and awesome things. The way players interact has a tremendous impact on the way a team performs. As Hall (1960) put it, "The fittest to survive and succeed are those able to find their strength in cooperation, able to build teams based upon mutual helpfulness, and responsibility for one’s fellow teammates." (p. 202)

The more cohesive a team is, the more it encourages peak performance in its members. If cohesion is lacking it can often prevent the team from reaching its’ potential. Shouldn’t teams spend time and energy developing a cohesive environment? I think the problem is that many teams aren’t sure what cohesion is and how to go about developing and maintaining a cohesive environment. To often the unspoken attitude is, "If it happens, that’s great, but if not, well, we don’t have a close group this year and there’s not much that can be done."

In the past, the concept of cohesion has been defined in many ways. In the sporting world, one definition is most widely used and accepted, and it is the one we will use. Cohesion is the total field of forces which act on members to remain in a particular group (Festinger, Schacter, & Back, 1950). People will usually refer to their team as cohesive if the members get along, are loyal and are united in the pursuit of its goals.

Merely being together at workouts and games doesn’t necessarily guarantee a team will be cohesive and successful, it simply means that they are occupying the same space at the same time. A cohesive team can be distinguished from a noncohesive team by many characteristics. A cohesive team has well-defined roles and group norms, common goals, a positive team identity, a good working relationship, shared responsibility, respect, positive energy, trust, a willingness to cooperate, unity, good communication, pride in membership, and synergy. Another indicator of the amount of cohesiveness in a team is the frequency of statements of we and our, in contrast to statements of I, me and mine. The we is just as important as the me. Developing cohesion is something that takes time and effort, but it is well worth the investment.

To establish cohesion, everyone needs to be on the same page when it comes to team goals. If everyone is striving towards the same thing this will help cohesion develop. Productivity must be established by setting challenging and specific goals. Making sure the members know what the individual goals are, for themselves and their teammates, is very important. If you know what your teammates are striving for, many times you can aid them in their endeavor, which will lead to a more cohesive relationship. There can be no hidden agendas by any of the members, their goals must coincide with team goals. What’s good for the team has to be good for the individual and visa versa.

Having periodic team meetings is a good way to check in to make sure everything is going all right on the team. This provides an opportunity for the team members to spend some time together off the field where life is not so hectic. This way a coach can ask for input, and players can tell others what they see happening, or what they see isn’t happening. There is no chaos and no rushing; it is a meeting with the sole purpose of processing what is going on.

Direct assessment, as given by the players, is the most accurate way to determine the amount of cohesiveness on a team. There is not substitute for the player’s own perception of what is going on not only for him, but also for the team that he is playing on. How a player views the interworkings on the team is very valuable information when evaluating the level of team cohesion.

1. There should be mutual respect among members. You can’t have a cohesive group on the field if you don’t respect your teammates. You don’t have to necessarily love them off the field, but you better love them on the field and respect them both on and off the field. You are all fighting for a common goal and there is a special closeness that goes along with this. The 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates demonstrated this with their We are family attitude both on and off the field. A sort of "esprit de corps" mentality. Also, when there is a strong level of respect it will also reinforce the merit of a teammate’s feedback.
2. There should be effective two-way communication that is clear and direct. Good communication skills result in an increase in self-esteem, respect, trust and decision making skills. Trust is an ongoing process; it will be tested time and time again.
3. There also needs to be a feeling of importance among the team. You should do your best to make each member feel like they are a part of the team and contribute something important. The phrase treat others as you would like to be treated applies here. Know the needs of your teammates and how you can help make them feel like they are a viable part of the team. "That’s what we call it, a big family, and everyone realizes that and that’s why we’re so cohesive" (San Francisco 49ers Vice President/ Director of the 49ers Foundation, Lisa DeBartolo).
4. Having continuity in practices, and in every part of the team, can contribute to the cohesiveness of the group. Familiarity breeds not only confidence but also a sense of comfort among the team. Also, by placing team members in situations where interaction is necessary, cohesion will increase.

We have taken a look at what cohesion is and how important it is to develop and nurture it on a team any team. Only good things can come from bonding with other members of your team good things for everyone, individually and collectively, as stated by Long Beach City College Head Softball Coach Shellie McCall, “Team cohesion is the glue that keeps a team focused and determined to reach its goals.”

[Adapted from Chapter 3 of Winning the Mental Way, by Karlene Sugarman, M.A. For more information on this book you can contact Step Up Publishing at 650-347-0826, or Karlene directly at karsug@newsguy.com.]

Above and Beyond the Call of Email

2010-04-19T01:19:00.000-07:00

Electronic mail as a form of communication is fast, furious and ubiquitous. It is a tool like any other. If used appropriately it can be a very constructive tool, and if used inappropriately it can also be very destructive.

When I talk to most working professionals there is an almost universal agreement as to how to use email and you can find a list of these links at pcmag.com or about.com.

Simply in the last week, I had three different sessions with clients that dealt with the contents of emails they both received and sent.

LOST IN THE CROWD

My first client, a person who is fully aware of his preference for interacting more with his Mac than with people, tends to use email for the majority of his communication. He fully admits he would rather send an email than knock on his colleague's door, which is less than a meters distance from his office.

Email does simplify his life in some ways, but can also cause more complications. The particular issue that this client brought up was the fact that sometimes his colleagues did not follow up promptly on a request he sent via email. He said that it really frustrated him, and that he thought it was quite unprofessional of them to not reply.

I asked what he did to follow through. He replied, 'I don't follow through with them. I wait for their reply. I've sent them the email. They have it. The ball is in their court.'

He believed that his job was finished once he hit the send key. It was up to his colleague to hit the ball back into his court so the game could continue. As we talked through the issue, he realized that email was not much different than any other form of communication. People sometimes lose track of a conversation or a request. Especially, when we think about how much we are inundated with a constant flow of information from every direction. Sometimes, even as professional as we might be, some things simply fall off our mental radar.

Most professionals I work with can receive any where from 50 to 200 emails (sometimes even more) in a day. Is it any wonder why an email can get buried and soon forgotten?

Whether it is learning a new skill or acquiring new knowledge repetition is the key. Without some form of repetition the skill or the knowledge will simply fade to make room for more present and current input. With this in mind, my client grudgingly agreed that he has to sometimes follow up with a second email or pick up the (dreaded) phone to see how matters are progressing.

HIDDEN MESSAGES AND ASSUMPTIONS

It is generally agreed that emails primary purpose should be to used to send information or to make simple requests. Issues that are very detailed or of a sensitive matter should be saved for face-to-face or for the phone. As often is the case, these two ends of the same spectrum are blurred.

People have this fascinating tendency to look at something to see if there is deeper meaning, a curious pattern or some hidden message.

Well this phenomenon is also true for emails. We tend to assign meaning to the words that are flashed up on our screens. That is, we tend to make an assumption about the intent of the person who wrote the email. Sometimes our assumptions may be right on the mark, and other times it might be completely off target. Since our behavior, our reactions and our decisions are based on our assumptions, we need to take care that the assumptions we are making are based in reality.

If we assume by the words that we read in an email that the sender is out to get us in one form or another, we will tend to react defensively and maybe aggressively. It is human nature to right a wrong. The question is: what if we are trying to right a wrong that was never made in the first place? I think we have all been down this road. For most of us the foolishness or the embarrassment that results is a good wake-up call for us to be more cautious the next time we react before we can verify our assumption.

When writing an email brevity and specificity are the keys. When reading an email if something seems off or is not nonsensical, ask for clarity.

We are all at fault for using email above and beyond it's original call.

I'm back

2010-04-14T01:51:00.001-07:00

To begin, I would just like to apologize for not blogging the last 6 weeks. I've had too many things up and running and something had to give.

It is only in the last couple of days that I've been able to answer emails specifically targeted to the MINDtalk blog. Over the next few posts, I will be taking the questions from those emails and answering them.

I think many of the questions are what many of us ask ourselves at one point or another. As usual, I will write on my take on each issue. Also as usual, I hope you, as the reader, will contribute your thoughts or ideas to the blog, on Twitter (@MINDtalkCoach) or by email (MINDtalk@email.com).

If there are any other topics you feel would be of interest please let me know.

- On the road with my iPhone

Feeling excluded? Welcome to social pain.

2010-02-17T23:30:00.001-08:00

"I was at a park with my dog and suddenly a frisbee roiled up and hit me in the back. I looked around and there were two guys playing, so I threw it back to them thinking that I'd go back to my dog - but they threw it back to me. So I threw it to them and they threw it to me, so I sort of joined their group and we were throwing it around for a couple of minutes and then all of a sudden they stopped throwing it to me and they just threw it to each other... I was amazed at how bad I felt... And finally I just sort of slithered back to my dog."- Kip Williams, Social Psychologist from a 2004 interview with ABC News.

This is a great quote that captures the feeling of being excluded. I remember when I was a kid back in the schoolyard when teams were being picked. I tended to be the last or sometimes not picked at all. I felt gutted. At some point, most people have experienced being excluded.

You may be at a party or a business mixer and you notice four people having a lively conversation. You approach the small group and they shift ever so slightly, perhaps even at an unconscious level, so there is no natural space to join in on the conversation. You'd have to literally shoulder your way to make a space, which most people would never think of doing. Just like that you feel like the fifth wheel. You feel excluded.

What we actually feel is a type of social pain. From earlier research with animals, social pain is registered in the same structues of the brain that register physical pain.

So what's the fallout of feeling excluded?

A person can feel undervalued and not appreciated. He can feel invisible and feel his efforts go unrecognized. He will lose motivation and drive. He will begin to have self talk along the lines of, " What's the point? My efforts don't count anyways. Screw it!"

I work with teams to help them communicate better and to have better cohesion. One of the most comment grudges I hear is the feeling of being excluded. This happens quite often, but usually team leaders are not aware of it. That is, it was not a conscious action to exclude individuals.

Perhaps the leader was not aware of all the contributing factors that went into the success of a project. She only gave praise to the most obvious contributers. It's important that time is invested to learn about all those individuals that had an input and to give feedback when possible.

Social pain is just as real as physical pain. You may not have physically hit someone, but if you excluded someone it is a psychological hit that is registered in the same area of the brain as physical pain.

- On the road with my iPhone

We Are More - by Shane Koycyzan

2010-02-14T00:54:00.000-08:00

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

A Little Inspiration

2010-02-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

Author Unknown

The Awakening (Author Unknown)

2010-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Vancouver Olympics and Executive Coaching

2010-02-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

The Vancouver Olympics are almost upon us and competition spirit is heating up. A good friend of mine, who happens to be fortunate enough to call Vancouver home, told me the other day that there is a visceral buzz in the air.

The field of executive and communication coaching has it's roots in traditional sports coaching and sports psychology. I think it is important to go back to the roots of coaching, because so much can be gained both knowledge and skill wise.

This week I've chosen an interesting article from a great coach - Peter Jensen of Performance Coaching based in Toronto, Canada.

The link to original article is here.

Enjoy!

...What are the top three things you are doing to help athletes prepare for the Olympic Games in Vancouver?

My short answer to the question would be that it totally depends on the athlete, the position they are in, (in terms of expectation and world ranking) and their history with large international competitions. In working with figure skaters at past Olympic Games there was great variance in what the athletes needed given what they were facing. The pressure on Brian Orser in Calgary was oppressive and pervasive and so I worked very differently with him than I did, say, with Elizabeth Manley, who was under a less intense and public spotlight leading up to the Games.

At these Olympics I am working with women's hockey -- a team of 21 players and a staff of 12. In one sense it's very different to work with a team than with individuals. The needs of the team come first. A team is made up of individuals, however, so what I do depends on the needs of this particular team and what each individual is going to have to manage if she is to be most useful to the team. One of the most critical factors in being optimally useful is the perspective each individual brings to the team.

Controlling Perspective Feelings and thoughts precede all action. Therefore, how each individual performs on competition day, how she treats others on the team and how she reacts under pressure are all modulated by what she is thinking and feeling. Our perspective comes from the stories we tell ourselves and the images we run in our heads. And these stories and images do not just happen in the mind; they translate to the body and create sensations and physiological changes. You need only think of a pressure situation that you have been in to become aware that your internal dialogue and images create a physiology that may be inaccurate or distorted but nevertheless very real and influential on how you behave.

Imagine, for example, your young child is very late coming home from school. He hasn't called and you can't reach him. As you start to think about why he could be late, unpleasant scenarios enter your mind. As this happens your emotions and physiology will shift into a different state such as fear and/or anxiety. There may be no truth to what you are thinking. That is irrelevant. Your perspective determines how you will react. It is this internal reactivity that can distract, distort and modify the action we take and how well we perform. When pressure is applied, when the stakes are high, we can imagine all kinds of things -- good or bad -- about ourselves, our situation, the outcome. I teach the athletes to notice when they are not feeling "right" and to name what the source of their internal discomfort is. Once we can see it we can deal with it. I teach a powerful little skill called reframing that helps the performer shift focus back to thoughts and feelings that will help rather than hinder. And one of the first things an athlete has to determine is what is within their control and what isn't. Because if they get that wrong . . .

Energy Management The second area that we spend a fair amount of time working on is energy management. Learning to monitor and raise and lower your arousal level is critical to performing at high levels, not only in competition but also in practice. When arousal level gets too high our attentional focus starts to narrow. We have no control over this. Too narrow a focus can lead to mistakes -- what, in sport, is commonly called choking. Most of the time, especially at the Olympics, athletes need to be able to recognize when they are too high and lower their arousal level quickly and efficiently and get back on their game. One of the skills I have taught almost every athlete I've ever worked with is a breathing technique called centering.

Confidence Building The third area, which is very much connected to the first two, is confidence, self-esteem, belief in one's self. In the end no team or individual will go far without confidence. Learning to be supportive of yourself and others on a team, while holding each other accountable and pushing each other to be better, is of paramount importance to be successful. The closer to the day of the event the more important confidence becomes. In fact, it becomes one of the single most important factors right before the event. The very best coaches understand this and build confidence in their performers well before a major competition. Let's hope we have all done a good job of this for all Canadian athletes who will be in the 2010 Games!

Apple's iPad: What you need to know

2010-01-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

The iPad made a big splash yesterday. I am pretty much an Apple advocate and I could not miss the opportunity to include an initial review of the new cool tool.

I've trawled the net looking for different reviews and this one by Josh Lowensohn, from CNET is one of the best. What follows is his review time marked January 27, 2010 12:29 PM PST.

Enjoy!

Apple's iPad: What you need to know

Apple on Wednesday finally unveiled its tablet computer, called the iPad, at an invite-only event at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in downtown San Francisco. The device, which looks like a larger version of Apple's iPod Touch will be available in two to three months, and starts at $499.
Read on to get a quick overview of everything that was announced, and why it matters.

New hardware: The iPad

Apple's CEO Steve Jobs introduces the iPad

(Credit: James Martin/CNET)

Proving rumors right, Apple unveiled the iPad, a device that looks akin to a large iPhone or iPod Touch. It sports a 9.7-inch LCD touch-screen display, which makes use of the same multitouch technology found on the iPhone, Apple's Magic Mouse, and its notebook trackpads. It also has the same in-plane switching display technology that made its debut in the latest crop of iMacs.
Like the iPhone and iPod, it sports a finger-friendly OS with an on-screen QWERTY keyboard, and an accelerometer that can detect whether the device is in portrait or landscape mode. It has a 30-pin dock connector, built-in Wi-Fi, and a home button that jumps users back to the main screen of the OS. It also has a volume rocker and a mute button--just like the iPhone.

(Credit: Apple)

Along with a big screen, it's sporting a 1Ghz custom Apple chip (from its pick-up of PA Semi back in 2008). Apple says it can get 10 hours of video, which is about four more than the iPod Touch and the same as the latest generation iPhone. This translates to "a month" of standby time. The iPad will come in 16, 32, and 64GB capacities for $499, $599, and $699, respectively. That's just the Wi-Fi version though. Apple will also be selling a version of the iPad that includes both Wi-Fi and a 3G wireless modem built in. iPad users who want to make use of the 3G service, which is being offered by AT&T, can pick up one of two plans for that: $15 a month for 250MB of data, or unlimited for $29.99 a month. It also bumps up the baseline price of the device to $629 (16GB), $729 (32GB), and $829 (64GB).
The iPad with just Wi-Fi will be shipping in the next 60 days, with the 3G version in the next 90 days.
Other noteworthy specs:
• The Wi-Fi antenna supports 802.11 a/b/g/n
• The iPad weighs just 1.5 pounds. The version with 3G is .1 pounds heavier.
• The screen resolution is 1024x768 (the iPhone/iPod is 480x320).
• It can playback 720p HD video, though video output to external sources is limited to 480p. • It has the same oleophobic coating that made its debut on the iPhone 3GS. This helps face and finger grease bead up and wipe off easier.

Bigger apps

As for apps, the iPad's screen runs larger than what can be found on Apple's smaller portable devices, which means developers have more screen real estate to work with. At the same time, the iPad is backwards compatible with existing iPhone and iPod Touch applications. Apps with smaller screen resolutions are simply scaled up to fit. Apple is giving developers a way to modify their applications to work with both sets of hardware.

Up close with the Apple iPad (photos)

Apple CEO Steve Jobs demonstrated the tablet running numerous first-party apps, including iTunes, a photo gallery, its Safari Web browser, iCal, e-mail, Google Maps, and YouTube. Many shared traits of what's been seen on the iPhone, just with more screen real estate. This was most evident in Apple's Mail app, which now features a two-up panel display with a preview of the selected e-mail in the larger part of the screen. According to Jobs, all of its apps were re-written to fit natively on the bigger display.
Several companies also demonstrated their new iPad-optimized apps:
• Gameloft showed off a larger-resolution version of its hit first-person shooter N.O.V.A., which will be out "later this year."
• The New York Times demoed a tablet-friendly version of its app, which mimics the layout of reading a newspaper in portrait mode, except with video links that open up within an embedded player.
• Brushes, a popular iPhone app, demoed the upcoming iPad version of its image editing software, which now makes use of the larger screen real estate to conceal large pop-up menus.

(Credit: James Martin/CNET)

• MLB.com unveiled a tweaked version of its app that adds video highlights, team info, virtual baseball cards, and more on-screen overlays.
Apple also introduced an updated version of its iWork software. It's the first version of the software to run on one of Apple's portable devices, and makes full use of the iPad's touch screen. This confirms a rumor from The New York Times earlier this month. Worth noting is that iWork will be offered as three separate apps, all of which will cost $10 apiece. Having Numbers, Keynote, and Sheets will run iPad users $30, as opposed to the $79 price tag for the desktop version.

Book distribution

(Credit: (James Martin/CNET))

Jobs unveiled a new content delivery system called iBooks (not to be confused with Apple's former laptop line, the iBook). The new app features a virtual bookshelf with content from five major publishers: HarperCollins, Hachette, Penguin, Macmillan, and Simon & Shuster (note: Simon & Shuster is a division of CBS Corporation, which publishes CNET).
Apple said the iBooks store will feature both popular books as well as text books. Notably absent was any mention of whether magazines will be available as well.
Just like iTunes, books are split up into what's popular and by genre. Users can preview the first few pages before purchasing, and downloaded books are sent directly to the user's virtual bookshelf. They can then be read in a similar manner to what's already been available with Amazon's Kindle app. Users can read their books in portrait or landscape mode, change the size of the text, and hop around using a persistent table of contents.

Other tidbits

Apple will be selling a dock that comes with a keyboard for the iPad.

(Credit: Apple)

• Apple confirmed to CNET that the iPad is just like the iPhone and iPod Touch when it comes to Adobe Flash--it does not support the popular Web plug-in. • 250,000,000 iPods have been sold since 2001.
• Apple has 248 retail stores that have seen 50 million visitors.
• The App Store now has more than 140,000 applications.
• There is still no multitasking. Apps can only run one at a time, that is, unless they're Apple's apps.
• The iPad appears to use Apple's unibody machining process, which made its formal debut in the company's late 2008 MacBook line.
• The new OS borrows a few cues from Snow Leopard, including the capability to change background wallpapers, and a 3D-style dock.
• 125 million credit cards are already hooked up to the iTunes and App Store.
• Apple is selling a number of first-party accessories, including a dock with a full-sized keyboard, a camera connection kit that lets users import images from their SD cards, and a case that doubles as a stand. Apple has not announced pricing for any of these items.

Below is just one of our live videos from the event. Also, be sure to check out our Live Blog, which has many more pictures and details.

Josh Lowensohn writes for Webware.com, CNET's blog about Web applications and services. E-mail Josh, or follow him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/Josh.

The Pleasure-Pain Principle

2010-01-25T11:42:00.000-08:00

One of the most well-understood and researched operating principles of the human brain is the pleasure-pain principle. Simply stated, our brains are wired to maximize reward and to minimize threat. This means, the choices and decisions we make on a daily basis are continually influenced by this operating principle.

I want to take a moment and dive into a little more detail into how the principle influences brain function and chemistry. When we perceive ourselves to be in a safe and familiar surrounding this affords us access to our executive functions - the possibility to think and to contemplate. We are using the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This means we have the flexibility to weigh choices and evaluate different amounts if information. Having the room to think also allows us to make connections both at a linear (logical) level (i.e. 1 +1= 2) and at a non-linear (creative) level (i.e. 1+1= 11).

When we feel we are under some level of threat our brain immediately shifts from the higher, executive functions of the prefrontal cortex to the more basic, emotional functions of the limbic system. The brain makes this shift to conserve energy by triggering well-learned, automated patterns and to focus all resources on the perceived threat.

This shift to the limbic system means that our attention and thinking becomes super-focused. We tend to focus only on the threat, which in turn severely limits our ability to see options and possibilities - both obvious and subtle. It also limits our ability to take a chance to solve the dilemma, because we see any viable option as too risky. If we had been thinking more clearly and logically (i.e. activating the prefrontal cortex and not the limbic system) we would have seen the wisdom of the choice and taken the decision.

One of the more interesting models I've come across describing the pleasure-pain principle is an excellent article from NeuroLeadershipjournal (this link will take you directly to the article). The author, David Rock, describes an elegant model he calls the SCARF model. It's an acronym for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.

Status is about how important we feel in relation to others around us. Although, Rock does not mention it in his article, I see status includes the appreciation and recognition we get from others for who we are and what we contribute. The feedback we get from our surroundings is also a form of confirmation about who we believe we are.

Certainty is about how familiar we are with the world around us. It allows us to predict what will happen and thus we have certain expectations. This is a major reason why many people do not like change.

Autonomy refers to our feeling of having control and oversight over our lives. It also means that we feel we have the flexibility and the freedom to make decisions and to choose amongst options.

Relatedness means we feel connected and valued with those around us (i.e. colleagues, friends, family and so on). It is a feeling we have if we belong to a group or if we stand outside of that group. Relatedness is strongly linked with the sense of trust we have with the people who are in the same group.

Fairness means we are treated as equals and that there is a level of transparency in the relationship and in communication. That there is no second or hidden agenda.

If any part of the SCARF model is perceived to be under threat, the brain instantly activates the limbic system and conversely deactivates the prefrontal cortex. If we are not attentive to this shift and consciously take action, we considerably limit our ability to deal rationally with the threat in front of us. What instead happens is that our emotions take over clouding judgement and not dealing intelligently with the dilemma.

In my next post, I will talk about specific steps you can use to consciously take action to shift your brain and its neuro-chemistry to help you instead of hindering you.

Problems vs. Solutions - Insights to Utilizing Your Brain

2010-01-20T05:04:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple of months, I've tried to read as much as I could on how the brain works and how to utilize some of the most current understanding of this amazing organ. I want to take some of those ideas (none of which are mine) and share it with you.

I don't think it is necessary to dive into the deep details of the of the brain's functioning. I want to skip the heavy theory (as interesting and valuable as it is), and instead, dilute it down to some essential skills that you can apply or help others in your leadership or coaching roles.

In this particular entry I want to focus on the ubiquitous problem-solution balance that each of us faces on a daily basis, both in our private and professional lives.

As much as we would like to think that we can multi-task, we are simply kidding ourselves. Basically, the brain can only focus on one thing at a time. This means, when we believe we are multi-tasking what is simply happening is that our attention shifts from one task to the next.

When it comes to the problem/solution relationship, you are either focusing on the problem or you are focusing on the solution. You can not focus on both.

Now if we just step back and let the brain take over, it will automatically shift to default mode, which is to focus on the problem. Why is this? The brain is always searching and moving toward certainty. Certainty, in the case of the problem/solution relationship, is the problem. We generally know what the problem is, and subsequently, we are able to picture it. We are certain about what the problem is all about.

This is not the case when we are dealing with trying to find a possible solution to a problem. There could be several solutions to a problem, and we are not always able to picture what that solution could look like. This inability to have a crystal-clear picture of the solution lies in the realm of uncertainty. This means we need to consciously focus our attention on the solution otherwise the brain will automatically move to default mode - toward certainty of knowing the problem.

There is a definite difference in brain chemistry depending on if our attention is problem-focused or if it is solution-focused. If it is the former, than our brains release a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine. If it is the latter, than our brains release another type of neurotransmitter called dopamine.

For simplicity's sake, norepinephrine's major role is to make us feel alert and to focus our attention. It is commonly linked to away emotions such as uncertainty, anxiety and different levels of threat. When we perceive our situation as threatening, whether mild or elevated, our mind focuses solely on that threat. The brain blocks out all other incoming information and devotes all it's limited resources on dealing with the immediate threat. It tends to restrict thinking and finding possible insights.

Dopamine, on the other hand, is the neurotransmitter of desire. That is, whenever our curiosity or interest is peaked, the reason is the release of dopamine. It is the key-ingredient that is needed in order for us to learn. It is linked to toward emotions such as creativity, engagement, motivation, curiosity and interest. When we have a release of dopamine it tends to fuel more thinking and encourages the brain to fill in gaps in our knowledge, which leads to different levels of insight.

Let's move back to the problem/solution relationship. So depending on what you focus on, it will determine what neurotransmitter is released. By being more solution-focused this attentions shifts the brain to release more dopamine, which in turn increases the likelihood of us moving us through our dilemma.

A simple ways to be more solution-focused is to ask yourself questions that encourage your mind to seek answers and insight.

Are you an inductive or deductive communicator?

2010-01-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

The question of this blog entry is an important one. To be able to answer it it is critical to understand what the question is asking. It is not everyday someone categories the way they communicate as either inductive or deductive It explains why I always get quizzical stares after asking the question.

I was recently at a cafe with a friend enjoying a good conversation over a coffee. He was explaining to me how his business trips to the eastern states of Europe went. His explanation meandered hither and dither. It was not until ten minutes later that he got to the point - that it is much harder to do business with the former Soviet states than it is with Western Europe.

The whole time I was wishing he would get to the point. For me, the explanation seemed like a long road with a lot of twists and bends. I kept thinking the final destination was just around the next corner, but there was just another stretch of road. At this point, you might be thinking that I'm an impatient geezer. (You are not too far off.)

The simple example shows the difference between an inductive and deductive communicator. My friend is an inductive speaker. That is, he has the general tendency to first talk about the details and second about the point. I'm more of a deductive communicator. That is, I mention the point first and then present the details.

Is one type better than another? No. They are simply two patterns of explaining information. The take-away lesson is that it is a good idea to be aware if the person you are talking to uses an inductive or deductive pattern of speech.

For example, when I'm explaining something to my friend (the same friend from the earlier example), I usually start off with the details and then get to the point. For me, this is more laboursome. For my friend, it is the natural pattern of his thinking. By taking the extra time and effort I know my message has a greater chance of being understood.

In my coaching practice, one of the first things I want to know is the pattern of thinking of my client. The simple fact of understanding if a person likes details first or prefers the point first, helps me heaps in establishing a strong rapport with him/her.

So dear reader, do you prefer the details first or th point? Not to sound repetitive, are you an inductive or an deductive communicator?

- On the road with my iPhone

Ebook readers -The Amazon Kindle

2010-01-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

Two days before the end of the decade, I was pondering on how I would like to step into the second decade of the millennium. I tell you now the decision I made was not a game-changer by any means. It simply split a smile across this gadget-geeks mug. As you can tell from the title (or the picture) I ordered myself a Kindle.

Am I a happy camper after dishing out considerable coin for the gadget? Yes.

I find the layout of the Kindle to be rather intuitive. I'd say it took me about 10 minutes exploring all the buttons and functions, before I was a fully-fledged master ninja on the Kindle (I've never been one to read manuals. I like to figure out things for myself.)

I'm not going to go into the details of the Kindle. There are a number of reviews out there that do a great job of this. For example, www.cnet.com or http://www.crunchgear.com

Working as an executive and communication coach, I find that I am constantly browsing bookstore shelves, both online and in the real-world, for new material and insights to build into my practice. This means that I am quite voracious when it comes to reading. (I personally define 'voracious' as digesting one book a week).

As you can imagine, simply over a year I have an entire forest worth of pulp on my bookshelves. Of course these books do not collect much dust, because I am constantly referring to them for their stored knowledge. Regardless of this fact, I still have a helluva lot of books crowding my shelves.

The Kindle has helped to tame this over-population of 'literature'. Within this one simple, elegant unit I can now carry my entire library with me. I don't have to sit in my home office pulling down books to put together a workshop or a white paper, I can literally be anywhere.

If you are a coach yourself, you must find that you have downtime between meetings with clients. I generally have four to five meetings a day, and they are rarely back-to-back. A majority of that downtime I am either sitting in my car or at one of a dozen favorite cafes. I now simply pull out the Kindle and start reading, making notes and merging thoughts. Down-time is now much more productive-time.

The Kindle is simply my 'other' cool-tool!

How to Question in Coaching

2009-12-28T18:35:00.001-08:00

The use of questions is the most effective tool in a coach's toolbox.

I like to use the analogy of the 'zoom' function, which you can find on any photo-editing program or on Google Earth, when describing the use of questions.

For example, a client might explain a situation in vague and general terms. I can then 'zoom-in' using questions to get him/her to be more specific and concrete. I can also use questions to 'zoom-out' to get a better understanding of how his/her explanation fits into the context of the bigger picture.

ZOOM-IN

When people describe a situation there is the natural tendency to use rather general terms. The reason for this is that they have personally experienced the situation and have had time to integrate that expereince into their map of the world.

An experience can always be broken down into smaller components. The person who has had the experience has had plenty of time to integrate it. He/she generally does not recall the specific components of that experience, and simply recalls it as one, indivisable event.

Zoom-in questions are important for bringing details into the light of day where they can be examined and probed. Below are some examples of questions for zooming-in:
• can you elaborate on...?
• what do you mean by...?
• can you be more specific about...?

ZOOM-OUT

There is also the tendency for people to get lost in details. They get their heads so buried in the specifics that they no longer have a clear perspective of the situation. This can happen when people are stressed (negatively), feel overwhelmed or lose the sense of control. Simply stated, they only see the individual grass blade and not the lawn.

Zoom-out questions are important in order to help people gain perspective. When a person is able to see the bigger picture it helps them to be more solution-focused than problem-focused.

Helping people gain a birds-eye perspective on their situation puts their problem into context. When they can see how their situation fits into the overall map, people gain back the feeling of being in control and having oversight. In turn, reducing the amount of negative stress.

Examples of zoom-out questions:
• can you put this into context for me?
• how does this situation sit in relation to...?
• how does this fit into what you previously described to me?

The quality of question you ask will determine the quality of answer you receive.

- On the road with my iPhone

How to Coach

2009-12-27T07:12:00.000-08:00

New Years is fast approaching and so is the desire for people to make resolutions. As we all know, most resolutions will never see the light of day. Those of us who have the fortitude to follow through with the changes begin to see positive changes soon enough.

Studies show that those of us who have a friend who work along with us to fulfil a resolution often do so with a greater chance of success. Not only do we have an internal promise with ourselves to make the healthy change, we also have an external promise to another that drives us forward. It is that external commitment that is the catalyst for change. People generally find it very difficult to break a promise they've made to a friend.

If you are that friend who is helping a buddy to fulfil a resolution, perhaps the following tips can help make the job a little easier.

There are two spectrums I'll focus on. The first is the Asking/Telling spectrum. Your job in helping a friend is to get them to think about and commit to the change they want to make. You can simply tell them what to do, because you've been down that particular road and know what curves and bends to expect.

Telling someone what to do can help to some extent, but it is not very effective. The reason is that you are advising an action from your perspective and experience of the world. The person you are advising has neither your perspective nor your particular experience of the world. They may heed your advise and get positive results, but it will never be as effective if the person makes their own connections.

Instead of telling someone it is always wiser for you to ask. That is, ask people questions. Let them find their own answers. If they make the connections themselves, the lessons learned will be intergrated at a much deeper level, which will also increase the likelihood that change will take hold.

You may have deep knowledge and experience in a certain area where a friend wishes to make changes. You will most likely know a brilliant short-cut to get him/her to where they want to go. You could simply tell them, but asking them will be more lasting. Your knowledge and experience is the road map and allows you to design specific questions to focus your friend's attention in the right direction. As they answer your questions they are following the correct road map, but they are drawing a road map from their own perspective. It's a map that makes sense to your friend and which is unique to him/her.

The second spectrum is the problem/solution. The focus on both the problem and solution have their own roles, but caution is still warrented.

Focusing on the problem is important to understand how it is influencing a person in the here and now. Both you and your friend need to clarify what it is that is preventing or hindering any movement forward. Where the caution is needed is not tripping into the pitfall of digging too deep into why the problem is there in the first place. What's done is done. There is no going back. We can not change the past and so there is no use in dragging up old pains. It serves no purpose.

Once you and your friend understand where he/she stands in the present, then the focus should targeted on finding a solution. When people start to talk about possibilities and actionables, this is a very motivating force. It gives people the sense that they have control and oversight.

An important factor to remember is to help the person paint a vivid and detailed picture in their minds of the solution. If a person can see it, they can do it. The opposite is also true - if a person can't picture something they can't do it. It is that simple. So when you are asking questions, whiche focus on the solution, try to get your friend to picture his/her way forward.

Changing a Habit

2009-12-24T14:40:00.001-08:00

It is Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning most of us will have some regrets with the amount we've ingested, but never fully digested. We look down to out waistline and feel the weight of the extra tire.

With a heavy sigh we promise ourselves that come New Years we are going to change our ways by changing and quitting certain habits. We earnestly give it our all. Motivation is in full gear and our determination has never been greater.

For most of us, by months end we are back where we originally started out - back with an old habit and it's consequences. We ask ourselves why is it so damn hard to change a habit?

Basically, our brains can be wired very easily to do most anything. When it comes to unwiring, that is where the conundrum lies. It is nearly impossible to unwire something. That is, it is highly unlikely you can change a habit.

A habit is based on a pattern that has been repeated time and again. The more it is used the deeper the pattern becomes entrenched in the brain. A good analogy is to think about the Colardo river that cuts and snakes it's way through the Grand Canyon. There is a pattern of flow that can not be easily erased. It is a permanent feature in the landscape, as is a habit is a permanent feature in the brain's landscape.

The best strategy to changing a habit is to simply begin developing a new one. After some time using the new habit it will become more and more dominant where eventually it will become the primary habit. Then the initial habit will simply fall by the way side due to lack of use.

- On the road with my iPhone

A Sense of Vulnerability

2009-12-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

I find one of the most important attributes when working with a lteam is to build a sense of vulnerability. What I specifically mean is that a team creates a working atmosphere where they can open up and ask for help when it's needed or to share a mistake when it happens.

For most teams, especially corporate, this tends to be completly counter intuitive. We are hard-wired to make decisions to avoid pain rather than gain pleasure. So to ask a group to, for example, ask for help or additional resources can be a challenging step.

Once a team is able to establish an environment where they know they won't be attacked or ridiculed a deeper and stronger relationship is established. This is key to establing stronger communication and information flow amongst team members.

People get over the hurdle of interpersonal discomfort and can directly speak without the person feeling he/she is being attacked. (Interpersonal discomfort is that feeling you have when you would rather not have to have the difficult conversation with someone in fear you might hurt or spoil the relationship).

By establishing a working environment where vulnerability is encouraged, people are more willing to give each other corrective/supportive feedback, confront each other's ideas and opinions, ask for resources or help and so on.

It takes time to build, but the investment is well worth it. I've seen it pay off time and again.

- On the road with my iPhone

Never, ever advise!

2009-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

'We see the world as we are, and not as the world is. ' - Anaïs Nin

I admit that the title of this entry is a little over the top. Advice does come in handy, but we need to think about how and when we give advice. You may be a parent, a leader, a coach, a friend and so on. Regardless or your role or roles, I think this short entry is useful.

I want you to imagine that you and your significant other decided it was time to upgrade your computers. You make a jaunt down to the local GeeksRus and purchase two computers. They are completely identical software and hardware wise.

After a few months of use you one day forget your pc at the office. You borrow your significant other's. You find after only a few seconds that you cannot make heads or tails of rhe pc in front of you. Nothing is where it should be. It all seems so disorganized to you, but it makes complete sense to her or him.

This is an analogy that describes how each of our brains are wired. From a distance they look identical, but upon closer inspection each brain is completely unique.

Each of us has our own set of experiences and lessons learned that are unique to us. This forms a kInd of mental map, which influences how we each perceive and interact with the world. How each of us stores, encodes, organizes these lessons and experiences are also as indiviual as we are.

When it comes to us advising another person as to how to accomplish or tackle a situation, we are advising them from our perspective of the world. We are not taking into account their map of the world.

This is where a shift in thinking is needed. We may know from experience the best way to overcome an obstacle that is proven time and again to be effective. What we have to remember that we've had time to integrate this method into our map of the world. Someone confronting the same obstacle may be doing so for the first time. They have no map.

If we want to help them, it is best for us to allow them to connect the dots. So instead of advising we can ask well-engineered questions to help direct their thinking in the right direction.

Questions allow for the person to make the logical connections, and thus integrate the information into their mental map. An 'aha' moment usually soon follows. They see the light.

Questions that flow from the well of experience and knowledge is so much more valuable to a learner than straight-forward advise that flows from the same well.

- On the road with my iPhone

Resistence to Change

2009-12-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

'Every beginning is a consequence. Every beginning ends something.' -Paul Valéry

Everyone, even if they are standing dead-still, is moving forward. There is nothing that can retard or divert this momentum. This constant state of forward movement means that we are continually faced with change.

Think of change as riding a bicycle. If we want to stay on the bike we need to keep peddling and continually make adjustments to the steering to avoid bumps and pot-holes in the road.

Change is something that happens to all of us. It is as unavoidable as taking your next breath (assuming that you have the desire to live). Some changes are so subtle that they don't register on our mental radar. Other changes, as we perceive them, are considered significant. It is when we are faced with these types of changes that we can discover resistence.

When you actually take a moment and examine the resistance you find it has very little to so with the change itself. Rather, the resistance has more to do with letting things go. Our identities become intertwined with the familiarity of our surroundings. Removing aspects of our lives that are so familiar to us leaves us with a sense of loss and vulnerability.

It is not so much about embracing the new beginning as it is with dealing with an ending. Change itself is usually external, structural and relatively straight-forward. The difficulty lies more with the psychological transition that we have to make from the old to the new. The reason it is difficult is because the transition requires us to make a identity shift. It is so important to have closure before we can move on.

If you know someone who is going through change whether personally or professionally, the first step is to help them with letting go and to come to some sense of closure. The best way to do this is to communicate clearly what the problem is and why it is necessary to change.

- On the road with my iPhone

How to begin a Crucial Conversation

2009-11-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

The next stage of a crucial conversation is to prepare your opening
statement. When spoken it should take no longer than a minute or two. You want to be clear, concise and succinct.

Before we jump into the step-by-step process of building your opening statement, I want to briefly warn you of a couple of the most common
pitfalls.

There can be a tendency to try to start off on a gentle foot when
starting a confrontational talk. We may start off by simply asking how
things are going or if everything is all right.

People are not stupid. They can see what's coming from a kilometer
away. The recipient of the message will see through the pathetic
attempt at soft talk. This can result in a diminishing of respect for
the communicator because he or she is not professional enough to get
to the heart of the matter.

By trying to soften the blow of the message we also run the risk of
diluting the seriousness of the conversation. I've seen managers dance
around the issue masking the message in corporate-speak and vague
generalities. The employee walks out of the meeting with a quizzical
look. You can easily see that he is thinking something along the lines
of, "what the hell was that all about?"

Another common approach to starting a difficult conversation is to go
in with all guns blazing, where the entire message is coated in anger.
In many instances, not much thought or preparation is done before
holding the talk. The message is delivered raw and unrefined.

In most cases, this simply adds more fuel to a burning situation. This
approach has the tendency to complicate matters, because the recipient
feels he or she is under attack.

The usual reason for this brashness is due to some form of anger. Most
of us try our best to avoid conflict and so the anger is usually to
mask one type of fear or another. These fears may include:

• the loss of a relationship
• could be on the receiving end of irrational emotions
• might hurt another's feelings
• could worsen the problem etc.

An important part of coaching people in conducting difficult
conversations is tackling their assumptions about conflict. If you can
help your client or employee to rewire his/her typical
belief that conflict is negative to one where they can a the
advantages of conflict, than your client is half way there.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that conducting difficult
conversations is a key-skill for coaches and managers. It is crucial
to remember to keep such conversations in dialogue and not slip into
debate.

In my next post, I will explain the step-by-step approach to
constructing the all-important opening statement.

Challenging Conversations 2

2009-11-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

The preparation you do for a crucial conversation is half the work,
and part of that work is knowing precisely what you want to address. This includes CPR (content, pattern or relationship). That is, the behavior your addressing may be a single event, a multiple event or a chronic problem.

If it is a single event then you are going to want to give feedback on the content. For example, "Jon, I want to talk to speak to you about your interaction with your colleagues in the meeting this morning. I feel, as did the others, that you responded in an overly aggresive manner..."

If it is a situation that has happened more than once, than it will be
a pattern of behavior you will need to address.

For example, "Jon, I need to talk to you about your aggresive
responses in the staff meeting. I've already addressed this particular
behavior twice with you..."

If it is a behavior that constantly and consistently shows up then it
can be catagorized as something that is starting to affect the
relationship.

For example, "Jon, I need to address the aggresive style you take
during staff meetings. We've had this talk several times now and each
time you've promised you would take a more diplomatic tone. I feel
this behavior is starting to affect our working relationship..."

Although in each of the three examples the same behavior is being
addressed, it's the consequences that differs in focus. The
significance and the seriousness takes a step up.

Challenging Conversations

2009-11-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

The first step to approaching any type of crucial conversation is the preperation. I compare preparing for a difficult conversation to that of preparing for an important negotiation. In both cases it is highly recommended not to simply wing-it.

There are two fundamental questions you should ask yourself. The first: what is the purpose for having the dialogue? The second: what, exactly, is the problem I want to address?

The first question is important, because it focuses you to think about
the reason you need to have the conversation. That is, to become fully
aware of your intent.

You may discover that your intent is to punish, humiliate or blame.
These are natural feelings most of us initially feel if we believe the
others persons action or behavior was deliberate, spiteful or simply
mean-spirited.

The idea of a crucial conversation is to be constructive and not
destructive, which would be the result if the intent it to get back at
the other person.

The intent should be a genuine and sincere effort to help move the
person forward.

The second question: what, exactly, is the problem you want to
address? You should be able to specify the problem with only a few
sentences.

It is important to be specific, descriptive and concrete by keeping to
the facts. In addition, use a recent example to illustrate the problem
that you are bringing up. Remember it should be based on an observable
behavior. That is, something you can see or hear.

Before ending today's entry I would like to bring to your attention
the difference between dispositional and situational views on behavior.

We tend to view other people's behavior from a dispositional view
point. We tend to place blame on the personality flaws of the person
and tend to ignore any environmental influences. We tend to do this
because we see a person's actions much more readily than we so the
forces behind it.

We tend to see ourselves from a situational point of view. It is clear
to us what environmental forces contributed to our challenge.

When we are preparing for a crucial conversation it is necesarry for
us to be aware of the dispositional and situational factors.

What needs to be done to minimize misunderstanding in communication (and thereby avoid being dragged off by homeland security)?

2009-10-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

What needs to be done to minimize misunderstanding in communication (and thereby avoid being dragged off by homeland security)?

I'm sitting here in the Newark airport waiting for a connection to
Houston. Going through the security is always a big ball of joy. This
time was no different, except for one little transgression with the
guy ahead of me in the queue.

Security asked him a few questions pertaining to his bag. With each
question the guy got more perturbed. I think it was question number
four that sent him into ballistic mode.

I won't go into the details of security rushing the guy and dragging
him off, which gladly brought a break from the monotony of standing in
line. What I will get into is the general and abstract nature of
language. If the communication between security and ballistic-man had
been clear, concise and concrete, I believe things could have ended
more civilly.

In social exchanges, conversations tend to be organic. That is, social
conversations can lead in any direction. There is no specific outcome
that is trying to be achieved. This does not apply to professional
conversations (or to airport security checks post-911). Conversations
in professional settings have specific outcomes.

Perhaps the purpose is to give corrective/supportive feedback or to
negotiate a deal. Maybe it is to handle negative conflict and to
encourage constructive conflict. It might to run an effective group
meeting or a one2one where there needs to be a rhyme and reason to the gathering.

Whatever the nature of the professional dialogue the underlying skill
needed is the ability to move language from being abstract and general
to being concrete and specific. The more of the latter you can
communicate, the less of a chance there will be for misunderstanding
or miscommunicaton.

Corporations invest time, money and energy to build clear
organizational lines, functional tools and useful technology and so
on. Nonetheless, there is the constant challenge of poor communication
between people.

A majority of problems simply comes from having different
interpretations of what is communicated. What needs to be invested
alongside the above mentioned, is to teach people to be crystal
clear in their message. From my experience, if a team, a department,
or a company does this there huge gains to be reaped.

This is not a light-switch solution. That is, flick the switch and everything is honky-dory. Rather it is a process that requires constant vigilance to being as specific and concrete as possible.

Hopefully, I'll learn from my own words and won't be the next guy who
is tackled and dragged off to the dark recesses of airport security.

Cordially
Jason W Birkevold Liem
phone: (+47) 957 66 460
email: MINDtalk@email.com
web: www.MINDtalk.no
blog: www.jasonliem.blogspot.com
twitter: www.twitter.com/mindtalkcoach

Should President Obama receive the Nobel Peace Prize?

2009-10-24T13:14:00.001-07:00

I find myself sitting in a cafe in downtown Oslo only a stone's throw
distance where President Obama will receive the Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm waiting on a friend to move on to grab a bit to eat and then we
will plunge into the pulsating night.

It will be in mid December when Obama graces the Viking city of the
Norsemen. I have a problem with that. If it was October 23rd 2010,
there would be no problem. The fact is that it is 2009.
Let me elaborate. The Nobel Peace Prize is given to those who
accomplish three requirements set out my Alfred Nobel.

Unfortunately, Obama does not meet these requirements. The guy has
accomplished much in 10 months, more than most presidents do in their
entire term. Regardless, he has not met the requirements to receive
the honour of the Nobel. It clearly states that the prize should go to whoever "shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses".

No fault lies with Obama. None at all. It lies completely on the
shoulders of the Nobel Institute in Oslo. What real choice did Obama
actually have? It must be very difficult, if not close to impossible,
to turn down such a prize. It's not like finding the prize at the
bottom of a Cracker Jack box.

Obama was put into a very awkward position and he made the best of that
situation. As I understand it, the Nobel is given in recognition of having done something. The operative word is 'done' and in the past tense. It is based on having established a brilliant track record of pushing humanity in a positive, forward direction.

There is so many other people who deserved the recognition this year.
So many other organizations or causes who could have done so much
with the publicity and the financial rewards that come with the prize.

Ok....I'll get off my soap box. I just had the need to vent.

Cordially
Jason W Birkevold Liem
phone: (+47) 957 66 460
email: MINDtalk@email.com
web: www.MINDtalk.no
blog: www.jasonliem.blogspot.com
twitter: www.twitter.com/mindtalkcoach

What are some effective approaches in dealing with stress?

2009-10-22T03:53:00.001-07:00

What are some effective approaches in dealing with stress?

Stress is completely an internal phenomenon. As far and wide a person
wishes to search the external world, he will never find stress. He
will able to find stressors, the triggers of stress. This he can do
with out expending too much effort, but he'll never find stress.

The important question is how to deal with this slow-killer? The
strategies I write about here are not quick fixes. They are common
sense that requires a person to take responsibility and action.

The first it to take care of the machine and the machine will take
care of you. The answer is not rocket science. Train well. Eat well.
Live well.

Stress triggers the release of stress hormones such as adrenaline.
Long after the stress situation may have disappaited, the adrenaline
hasn't. It's still swimming around in the blood stream straining and
wearing internal systems.

Working up a good sweat and oxyginating the body is the best way to
rid yourself of stress hormones. I personally find running 7 to 8
clicks, 3 to 4-times a week does my body and brain good.

Running might not be your thing. If you want to deal with your stress,
I highly recommend finding your 'thing' and do it. Love what you do
and it'll pay off big time.

The next thing is what you ingest nutirition-wise. Fresh vegetables
and fruit. Fish and cereals. Red wine and dark choclates. It's really
quite straight forward. Calories in and calories burned. Simply put,
it's about the numbers.

Ok. I agree this may be a little too black and white. But to be quite
frank, there is not a lot of gray between the two.

The next strategy is to catch enough Zs. Sleep is so important. This
is a chance for mind and body to download and recharge.

How well does your cell or Mac work if it is not charged? The same
logic can be applied to your bio-machine. The body only needs three
hours, but the mind needs between 7 to 8 to be fully functional.
Again, it's all about mathematics.

In the next post, I will continue with the next two strategies, which
require a little more work. The first is your self-talk. The second is
how you personally define what is important.

Cordially

Jason W Birkevold Liem
phone: (+47) 957 66 460
email: MINDtalk@email.com
web: www.MINDtalk.no
blog: www.jasonliem.blogspot.com
twitter: www.twitter.com/mindtalkcoach

Twitter & Coaching - Part II

2009-10-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Twitter is simply a brilliant tool. It allows me to connect in real-time with the community that I'm tapped into. As of this moment, I'm directly connected to 309 people who contribute with tweets that I find absorbing and relevant to my interests.

One of my goals was to build a community of Tweeters that had similar interests to me (some of those interests I stated in my previous post). I've kept to this decision from day-one. Perhaps if I was not so choosy I might have had double the amount of followers as I do today, but that would have meant I accepted everybody.

Unfortunately, Twitter is no different from the rest of the internet. It, too, is filled with a lot of useless static and distractions. I felt if I wanted Twitter to be interesting, fun and practical I needed to be selective. Like most things I've found in life, quality of community takes time to build. You need to invest time and contribute effort to get a decent ROI.

This is a great site to learn more about the 'hows' of Twitter and tweeting. http://www.ehow.com/how_4670029_tweet-twitter.html

Twitter and Coaching - Part 1

2009-10-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

It was about 18 months ago when I really began to pay any attention to Twitter. At first, I thought it was just the flavour of the month and it would be replaced by the next cool tool. The reason I believed this is when I jumped on and saw that people were tweeting about mundane things they were doing at that moment. I decided to jump offthe tweet train and look for other social media outlets to get my fix.

It was about eight months ago that I was reading an interesting blog called Six Pixels of Separation by Mitch Joel ( http://www.twistimage.com/blog/ ) where Twitter flashed up in my mental radar again. I sighed in exasperation remembering my last encounter with Twitter.

Although I managed to expel every hint of oxygen in the world's
longest sigh, I continued to read the blog. Somewhere in the middle of
the entry, Joel referred to Tweeting as micro-blogging. Bing!, went
the mental blip on my radar.

I know this connection of Tweeter and micro-blogging is a given for
everybody else on the Planet of Social Media, but for me I honestly
never connected the dots. It was a mind- blowing revelation.
(Reader, please allow room for a little exaggeration).

After finishing reading the post, I immediately jumped back on to
Twitter and opened my shiny new account - @MINDtalkCoach. I got
back on the Tweeter train again to give it a second chance. I was not
disapointed this time around. The train ride has been, and still is, fun.

What I discovered was relevant, stimulating, intriguing content. It was not some guy telling me he was sitting on the can or someone else who was cleaning their cat's fur ball off the new carpet. Instead, there was a whole community out there with similar interests about coaching, communication, psychology, business, social media, entrepreneurship and tonnes of geek-stuff.

I praised the social media Gods for my enlightenment, and as of six
months ago I've been using Tweeter to my advantage. I'll get more I to
those advantages in my next post.

For now, if you are in the knowledge industry and you've been thinking more about the different roads of social media, don't ponder too long about Twitter. Join and reap the benefits of the network you will build.

Cordially
Jason W Birkevold Liem
phone: (+47) 957 66 460
email: MINDtalk@email.com
web: www.MINDtalk.no
blog: www.jasonliem.blogspot.com
twitter: www.twitter.com/mindtalkcoach

Look forward. There is no turning back.

2009-10-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

I went to the Paleontology museum with my son today. Everywhere we turned there were the massive skeletal remains of dinosaurs. Even though these enourmous structures of biology stood in front of me, it was still hard to wrap my head around the fact that these animals walked the same Earth millions of years ago.

Of course, I had seen dinosaur exhibits before, but today I was just as awe-struck as if it was the first time. I watched my little boy run from one dinosaur to the next with all the excitement bursting out of his body. "Look papa look!" "See how big that one is?" "I have that one at home!" (referring to his little plastic toys).

Sitting here this evening pondering what I want to blog about, I find that dinosaurs are rumbling through my head. As I think about dinosaurs my mind is jumping to the past, and as the mind is with associations, I am thinking about my past.

I have had 40 years of experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Most of those experiences have been brilliant. I also have a collection of experiences I've gained by graduating from the school of hard knocks. I've been knocked down, thrown about and gutted by some of these experiences. Although they wounded me, they have also shaped me, strengthened me and made me appreciate what I have and who I am.

When coaching or counseling clients (depending on the skill-set needed for that session), I find it crucial to get the client to keep her head up and looking toward the horizon. It is so easy, especially when we are stressed and strained, for us to look down. We get lost in the noise of the moment and the dust that is kicked up by a problem.

When the mind is troubled with a problem or stressed with a situation, it tends to shift into default. Default for the mind is stewing up negative thoughts. It seems to want to look for something to worry about even if there is nothing to fret over.

By keeping my client to looking forward, it keeps her attentive on looking for solutions and open doors. Of course, sometimes a client feels she needs to rummage around in her past. I personally find that it is best to try to limit this mental exercise.

One way to do this is to ask how a past experience is affecting there life in the here and now. I want to help them change or modify the beliefs they established in the past and are now hindering them in the present. This approach keeps a client's mind in the present, where they can actually affect change.

There is no need to ask a client to relive an awful or traumatic moment. I truly believe asking someone to dive into their past and dig up old traumas serves no purpose. They can not change the past. It is what it is. The only thing they can change is how that experience and the associated beliefs affects them in the present.

I tell my client, " Look forward. There is no turning back."

Depression, Stress and Burn-out

2009-10-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

This entry is a response to an article that I read in Aftenposten (a Norwegian newspaper) titled Hvorfor blir vi deprimert? (Why are we depressed?) dated 10 October 2009. http://www.aftenposten.no/nyheter/article3312984.ece

The journalist asked four experts (i.e. a psychologist, a psychiatrist, the Minister of Health and an adviser for mental health) in the area of depression about their thoughts as for the reasons why there is a growing degree of depression in Norway. The answers given were varied and focused on different areas of society. The subject of depression is something that can not be fully addressed in a newspaper article, or for that fact, a series of articles. What it does though, is start a dialogue about an illness that plagues society at many different levels.

I feel the question posed by the article is a fundamental query that needs to be addressed. There are people who believe that the accumulation of wealth and success brings happiness. There are others that try to find happiness in mass religion, cults or esoteric gurus. Then there are other who believe that getting married, having kids and settling down leads to the road to happiness. There are millions of other ways people chase after happiness. Some find it, but many more don't.

When a person fails to achieve some sense of happiness or when they do reach a level where they expect to find happiness, they often ask questions such as the following. "Is this it? This is what I've been struggling towards? There has got to be more?"

I work as a communication and executive coach in a broad range of industries and across different levels of management. Depression rears it's ugly head amongst these ranks of working professionals, as it does anywhere else in society. The severity and the cause of depression, are of course, as varied as are the people affected by it.

If a person's expectations of what life is suppose to be like does not match with what their life actually is, it leads people to feel unhappy. If these same people feel that there is nothing they can do to change their life or situation, this leads them to feel a sense of powerless or lack of control. The feeling of depression soon follows.

Realistically, a person has either two choices. He can either change his life situation (i.e. job, significant other, residence, way of life etc.) or he has to change his expectations of what he believes life is suppose to be (i.e. his map of the world).

One of the best ways I have found to help people deal with their depression is through dialogue. They begin by finding words to describe abstract thoughts and feelings. A majority of the time, people find it hard to articulate what is specifically on their mind. They tend to start off using very general terms. It is through the effort of asking certain types of questions that I help the client to paint a more vivid and vibrant painting of how they see the world. It not only becomes clearer for me, but becomes, more importantly, clearer for them.

This process of verbally painting a picture reveals, maybe for the first time, the clients' underlying beliefs. It is his beliefs that determine and define his expectations of how life is suppose to be. As you know, a belief is simply a person's certainty about someone or something. For example, I am certain that the weather will be nice tomorrow; I am certain that martians are bad; I am certain that I can trust her etc.

By getting a person to operationally define his beliefs, you discover his rule book. That is, when someone specifically outlines what has to happen or not happen in order for his rules to be met.

When a person who is depressed clarifies his rules, you generally find his life situation does not come very close to meeting those rules. Quite often I discover that the chance of meeting those rules is highly unlikely. It is like setting a goal that you can never achieve. You are setting yourself up for failure.

The key is to get the the client to redefine the rules or part of the rules by which he defines and lives his life. The rules need to be realistic, flexible and tailored to his life and situation. Only then will a person feel that they can affect change.

I've super-simplified the process in this short blog entry as to what I do to help people overcome their depression. For most cases of depression (excluding those due to imbalanced brain chemistry) if you can help a person redefine their rules and expand their constructive vocabulary, you can get them to climb out of their hole of depression and to start moving forward again.

Here are some further sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/depression.html
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

Leading versus Managing: Two Distinct Skill-sets

2009-10-06T04:24:00.001-07:00

A topic that comes up time and again is the difference between what is
defined as the role of a manager and what is defined as the role of a
leader. For those who sit outside of the corporate world, it may only
seem to be a trivial game in semantics. For those in the world of
organizations, the distinction between the two is not so trivial.
Many of my clients tend to be excellent managers. They are
knowledgeable and experienced in their fields of expertise. For most
of them it is a straight-forward process when it comes to managing
systems and tasks. Run process A to achieve outcome B.

As most business professional are aware there are two distinct skill-
sets - one for managing and one for leading. It is the latter that a
good majority of my clients have never had any formal training. It has
been a learn-as-you-go process. Time and again they have had to
reinvent the leadership wheel.

I think learning through experience is the fastest learning curve.
Sometimes though, gaining book-knowledge first and then applying it to
the real world can be a smoother road to learning. There may be as
many mistakes made along the way as there is with jumping into the
deep end. Although in this case, you have background theory that can
help to explain what happened.

I find that managers who want to improve their leadership skills don't
need to go hiking into a dense forest of leadership theories. What I
find is that it is tools they crave. Tools that are practical,
concrete and result specific.

From my experience and the feedback I've received from clients over
the years, these tools were, and are, the best way forward for them.
Tools of communication, psychology, delegation, decision-making and so
on.

The tools are simple to learn and are presented in a clear, step-by-
step format. In our coaching sessions, we take a current problem,
discuss it and apply the tool. The coaching session provides a forum
where they can practice, make mistakes, strategize, while building
skill and confidence.

Over time, managers pick up these more of the crucial tools and learn to use
them effectively. At some point, they have a tool box filled with a
collection of leadership tools. Over time, they become increasingly competent at applying them in different situations and circumstances.

Of course, there are always new tools to pick up at the hardware store.

Cordially
Jason W Birkevold Liem
phone: (+47) 957 66 460
email: MINDtalk@email.com
web: www.MINDtalk.no
blog: www.jasonliem.blogspot.com
twitter: www.twitter.com/mindtalkcoach

Focus, Feelings and Patterns of Questions

2009-10-04T02:30:00.000-07:00

Focus Triggers Feelings

I want to begin this post with a simple question; in the last 30 minutes what have you, the reader, been focused on? Perhaps it was with a problem with work; great news you just received from a short call; or your kid asking you the same question for the hundredth time with a two-minute period. It could have been any number of things.

What we focus on directly determines what we feel. For example, an individual's manager gives some corrective feedback about taking more time to listen to people's side of an issue during the week's tactical meeting. John feels irritation with the feedback, which feeds into a sense of despise for his manager Kjetil also feels irritation, but it leads him to feel that his manager is trying to support him.

One thing is what we focus on, but what is also important to understand is the meaning we assign to that focus. We may wake up one Monday morning, look outside the bedroom window out onto a gray, cold, dark autumn morning. Some people's mood and motivation will be dampened and down, because of the what that particular mornings weather means to them. Some others will feel uplifted and looking forward to the day, because they reason with themselves that they will be inside the office most of the day engaged in an interesting project and the weather really has no significant relevance.

Learned Patterns

The meaning we assign to what we are focusing on at any particular moment is determined by our language, and more specifically by the questions we ask ourselves. We have a learned-pattern of questions that we ask ourselves time and time again. What do I mean?

Human being are pattern-based creatures. That is, almost everything we do, say, think, and feel in our day-to-day lives are based on learned patterns. We have an experience, we learn from that experience, and if repeated often enough it establishes a pattern (in some cases the event may only have to take place once to establish a learned pattern). For example, a person may as a child have gone up to a dog to pet it. The dog was scared and bit the child's hand. That person develops a pattern to avoid dogs. When her focus fall on a dog, she assigns a meaning that the dog is going to bite, and thus she avoids the dog. This is her pattern when it comes to dogs.

Questions as Learned-Patterns

We have a tendency to ask outselves a fixed pattern of questions depending on what we are focusing on. For simplicity's sake, focus can be categorized into three areas: what we can control; what we can influence; and what we can't control.

If our focus is on the areas of what we can control and influence, then the questions we ask oursevles tend to be constructive and opportunity-seeking in nature. For example, we may ask ourselves some of the following questions:

What can I learn from this?
How can I apply this to other areas of my life?
What can I do with this experience/information?
What won't I do next time? What will i do next time?
What do I need more of? What do I need less of?
This situation really blows, but where do I go from here?

These questions will tend to make us feel a number of resourceful feelings like a sense of control, oversight, certainty, growth, opportunity etc.

On the other hand, if our focus tends to be on those situations where have no-control, the questions we tend to ask ourselves tend to act as road blocks preventing from learning and moving forward. The questions tend to be negative of nature and endless-loops.

Why did this happen to me?
Why did events have to play out like this?
Why does this always affect me?
Why can't I find a solution?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I so useless and stupid?

Just writing these questions is depressing the hell out of me. Thankfully, I hardly ever do this anymore. For some people, this is their fixed pattern of questions. No wonder they tend to find themselves more often in an un-resourceful state than a resourceful one.

The questions we ask ourselves, depending on how we choose to focus on events, will have a direct influence on how we feel.

If you want to help someone, first find out what they are focusing on. Is it something they can control and/or influence or is it something where they have no-control? When they begin to describe the situation it is vital to pay attention, because they will tell you the questions they are asking themselves.

Important Note
The patterns people establish work on an unconscious level. Thus, the questions they routinely ask themselves are also being asked at an unconscious level. It is only by drawing their attention to this fact, that they can start to take control over their patterns. This awareness they then have the ability to change the questions they ask, the meaning they assign to an event and finally how they feel.

Anthony Robbins & Psychology

2009-09-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

I find that at least once a month I am going back to my collection of psychology text books from grad school to refresh my mind on a particular approach to counseling or clinical psychology. What usually triggers this can be simple curiosity or a client who presents a particular challenge.

I was not a student who followed any particular discipline or branch of psychology. I had, and still have, a rather eclectic interest in all things psychological. It was a couple of years after grad school that a buddy of mine gave me an Anthony Robbins archaic tape collection from the mid-80's. I listened to it and thought it was interesting enough, but it really didn't spark that intense of a curiosity.

It was not until a few years later that I was again reintroduced to Robbins by another friend who this time gave me an mp3 collection. By this time, Robbins had been in the business of helping people for 20 to 25 years. This time when I listened to him he caught my attention. He still had the same vitality and energy in his voice, but now it was tempered with experience and humility. I listened and I learned. What he had to say added very much to my schooling in psychology.

Back to my main point. When I return to my book case or my iTunes library, I find that I am listening more to Anthony Robbins. His way of helping people is highly-effective and compliments much that I learned studying clinical psychology.

So for any of you coaches out there (or anyone who is looking to change for the better), I would suggest listening to anything Robbins in the last decade or so.

I find listening to his audio products very engaging. As for seeing him live, I have not done that, yet. I don't think I would either. Why is that? It seems so evangelical and cult-ish. With the chanting and the cheering.

Perhaps with time my views will change. Until that time, I think I'll stick with the mp3s and the insight and useful skills and techniques for helping people.

Planning & Running Effective Meetings

2009-09-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

Managing Business Meetings

Blog contribution by BNET Editorial

Meetings are a necessary part of everyone’s working life. Handled well, they present an opportunity to gather everyone together to review activities and plan new ones, or to examine a particular situation, agree on actions, and act in a coordinated manner. Handled badly, they can be boring and ineffectual. The most effective meetings are short and to the point, allowing people to get on with the rest of their day. This checklist offers advice for anyone who has to plan or chair a business meeting.

What You Need to Know

Aren’t there more time-efficient ways of making decisions?

Meetings may not always be the best use of people’s time and effort. If you are thinking of holding a meeting to discuss an issue related to your project, team, or department, give serious thought to whether gathering the attendees in one place is really the most efficient use of everyone’s time. There are some good alternatives to gathering everyone together for a meeting. For example, you could try:

conference calls or videoconferencing: if these are viable alternatives for you they offer a good way of holding a discussion without having to disrupt the attendees’ day too much;
an e-mail discussion: You can easily facilitate this by sending a message to all relevant parties. Your e-mail should set out the issue clearly, ask for a response, and give a deadline—and double-check that you’ve included everyone before sending it! Also, let people know whether you want their responses sent to you alone or to all the recipients.
If all else fails, and a face-to-face meeting seems to be the best and least unwieldy way of arranging a plan of action, prepare as much as you can in advance and delegate where appropriate.

What to Do

Control Your Invitation List

Good planning goes a long way in assuring a successful meeting, and an important first step is deciding who to invite. Remember that the most productive meetings are usually those with the fewest number of people attending, so try to limit your list by only inviting those who really need to be there. These will be people directly involved in the decisions that need to be made during the meeting, those significantly affected by the decisions, or those who have some specific knowledge to contribute. If the meeting is to cover a variety of issues and may be lengthy, consider asking people to drop in and out when their part of the agenda comes up.

Circulate Relevant Information Out to Attendees in a Timely Manner

Give everyone plenty of notice regarding the time and place of the meeting, and circulate a draft agenda outlining the topics to be discussed and the time limits assigned to each topic. A good agenda will clearly state the purpose of the meeting, so attendees will know why they’ve been called together, and what needs to be accomplished. Setting time limits is also a good idea, as it creates a healthy sense of urgency. By stipulating the start and finish time of the meeting, as well as setting time limits for each topic on the agenda (particularly important if you’re holding a lengthy meeting and asking people to drop in and out), you’ll encourage people to stay focused. Sticking to these fixed times is essential, of course, for this to work.

Other information you should provide for attendees prior to the meeting includes:

directions to the venue in case they haven’t been there before;
information on who else is attending (this will be particularly helpful if you’re going to be joined by people external to your company such as consultants, freelance contributors, or designers) ;
background information or documents that are relevant to the meeting. For example, if you’re going to discuss an overhaul of your product catalog, send everyone a copy of your existing brochure so they can look it over before the meeting. You might also include copies of similar publications whose style you admire, so people can get ideas about new ways of presenting your products.
your contact details and those of one other person in the office (such as your assistant or a coworker) in case of emergency.

Arrange Catering Requirements if Appropriate

If you’ve scheduled your meeting to take place over lunch, or if it will last more than a couple of hours, you’ll need to plan food and drink. Remember to ask all attendees whether they have any special dietary requirements. This will save a lot of time and stress on the day of the meeting. However, research shows that the best time to hold a meeting is just before lunch or toward the end of the day—this motivates attendees to focus on the agenda and keeps the meeting from running long.

Delegate Minute-Taking

It’s best to find someone other than yourself to take the minutes. You will want to be free to steer the meeting as appropriate. If that person is new to the project or issue you’re going to discuss, you might want to go over some relevant key words or acronyms so that he or she is not baffled by the jargon—you and the other attendees may be well versed in the relevant vocabulary, but you want to make sure there is no confusion on the part of the minute-taker.

Find and Prepare the Meeting Venue

Once you are sure about holding a meeting, the next step is to find an appropriate space for it. If your company has a reservation system for meeting rooms, get your plans in well in advance to make sure that you can get an appropriately sized room for the date and time you want. Plan early and don’t assume that the room you want will be available at the last minute.

As the meeting draws near, make sure that:

the room is clean and doesn’t contain unnecessary materials or supplies;
you have enough tables and chairs to accommodate everyone, and they are arranged to best suit your needs;
the flip chart, if you’re using one, has enough paper and pens ready;
there is enough light, heating, or ventilation for the time of day and year;
there are enough power outlets, and that they’re in the right place if you’re going to be using an overhead projector or laptop;
any equipment in the room is ready to use and is working properly.

Once your numbers are confirmed you can make further catering arrangements. If your company has a restaurant, arrange well in advance for someone to bring refreshments such as coffee and water to the meeting. If your organization is small or doesn’t have a catering facility, coworker or assistant to be prepared to go out to a nearby coffee shop or café to bring in what’s needed. Again, this will free you up to attend to other tasks.

Make Sure That Your Meeting will Proceed As Planned

Plan to arrive early on the day of the meeting, arrive in plenty of time so that you can double-check that everything is in place and ready to go. Once the attendees have arrived, there are a few steps to follow which will help things run smoothly:

begin on time.
welcome everyone, and briefly explain basic issues such as where the restrooms are located (particularly helpful for anyone who hasn’t been to your offices before) and what the catering arrangements are.
ask everyone to make sure they’ve turned off their cell phones and other devices so that the flow of discussion isn’t interrupted.
clearly state why the meeting is being held, what you hope to achieve in the meeting, the timescale, and finishing time.
explain the agenda of each item on the agenda.

Keep a Tight Rein

You will want to give everyone an opportunity to contribute to points raised on the agenda. At the same time, don’t forget that it’s your responsibility to make sure that you keep roughly on schedule (and on topic). For example:

make sure that attendees keep to one agenda point at a time;
summarize at appropriate intervals and restate agreed-upon points clearly (the person taking the minutes will be particularly grateful for this);
firmly but politely move the discussion forward if a subject has become exhausted.

Prevent the Meeting from Being Dominated By Others

One or two vociferous attendees can sometimes dominate a meeting, so in your role as chair you need to make sure that there is only one discussion at a time. Sometimes, people start their own “private” meetings during the main session. This may be limited to a few whispered asides, or involve notes being passed around the table, or even a full-blown separate discussion. Stop these diversions by addressing directly the people involved and asking them politely but assertively if there’s something they’d like to raise. For example, you could say: “If there are issues that people aren’t happy with, let’s raise them now before we go any further. We have a lot to get through today.”

Strategies for dealing with difficult people
Talkative people	There will always be people who just like the sound of their own voice. In this case, you must be assertive enough to interject politely but firmly, reminding everyone of the agenda point you’re discussing and steering the discussion back to it. You may also want to recap how the meeting is progressing and remind attendees of your target finish time. If interruptions continue, suggest that the parties involved carry on their discussion on their own time.
Passionate people	Your meeting may also be attended by people who feel very strongly about the issue under discussion and who may feel that others do not share their interest and commitment. Again, make sure that advocates of one particular position are given the chance to voice their point of view, but also that they give others the opportunity chance to express theirs. Interject as appropriate and summarize if you sense they’re about to repeat something. Remember that a meeting is a discussion with objectives, not an opportunity for attendees to rehearse an extended monologue.
Angry people	Tempers may flare if the topic you’re discussing is particularly contentious. When you sense that la situation is getting heated and insults rather than well-considered opinions are being traded, step in to defuse the tension. Suggest a break outside of the meeting room for 15 minutes or so, giving people time to calm down and assess what has happened. If voices are being raised, match your voice to the level of other people’s, then reduce the volume back down to a normal speaking pitch. This will allow the discussion to get back to a more stable footing.

Wrap It Up

Wrap up the meeting by thanking everyone for their attendance and contribution. If there is to be another meeting, let attendees know when it is to be held. If that can’t be arranged immediately, do so as soon as possible. This will encourage the attendees not to forget about the topics discussed the moment they leave the room.

Be Sure Everyone Is Clear on Any Follow-up Action Required

Clarify with the person taking the minutes that they need to write them up as soon as possible so that they can be distributed to all the attendees promptly. Most will only glance briefly at the meeting minutes, or refer back to them in order to locate a specific piece of information. This means that they need to be extremely concise and clear. The key things to note are:

agreed-upon actions dealing with the issues raised;
the people responsible for implementing them;
deadline or timing for interim reporting back;
date of next meeting if you agreed to arrange another one.

What to Avoid

You Procrastinate about the Meeting Preparation

You’re only going to make things more difficult for yourself by procrastinating. Although it may be hard to get started on planning your meeting, allow some extra time in case some of the arrangements don’t work out. It will be much more enjoyable to be able to relax a bit before things get going than to be anxiously rushing around tending to last-minute chores that should have been taken care of earlier.

You Don’t Delegate the Taking of Minutes

You’re not shirking responsibility if you ask someone else to take the meeting’s minutes for you. Remember that you don’t have to do everything. Finding someone whose sole responsibility will be to take minutes will free you up to make sure that the meeting starts and ends on time, is well organized, and achieves its objectives. This way you’ll have made everyone’s life a lot easier and you’ll also end up with a set of minutes that mean something.

You Allow the Meeting to Get Off Track

Don’t be afraid to move things along as appropriate if the meeting seems to be getting bogged down in one particular area. The other participants will be eager to finish on time and get on with the rest of their day, so, in your role as chair, shape the discussion and sustain the meeting’s impetus.

Book Review: DEATH by Meeting

2009-09-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Blog contribution by Fletchboy's Follies

I have decided to try to do a review of the books I read, so you can get a preview of some of the things I read. I hope you find this useful. I will start with a book I just finished, and in a couple of days, I will do a review of a book I finished about a week ago. "DEATH by Meeting", I really enjoyed and think it will be a very useful book to anyone who has to run meetings in their work. The next book I review will be one I loved to hate for most of my reading of it. :-)

"DEATH by Meeting" is by Patrick Lencioni, and is written in the form of a "fable" to teach a new concept. For that reason, it is actually a pretty light read. If you are one who skips to the end to decide if they will like the book or not, you will get a complete misconception, since Lencioni recaps some of the key concepts taught by the fable in a couple of chapters at the end.

I won't steal any thunder from the book by telling any more details that to say that Lencioni advocates through the story, the idea of doing your meeting "on purpose". Don't expect one kind of meeting to be a "one-size-fits-all" affair. Conflict, drama and context are your friends in getting vital information onto the table in your meetings.

Lencioni's protagonist in the fable gets the executives to understand that the first 10 minutes of any meeting, like in a movie, will set the stage for the rest of the movie, and will probably determine whether people are engaged or bored by the rest of the piece. Meetings are no different.

The idea of doing meetings in varied ways to match the topic and purpose should NOT be news to any of us, but the fact is that in MOST organizations, a meeting is a meeting is a meeting. They are all the same and most of the participants would give their left arm to have an acceptable excuse to miss the meeting. Lencioni crafts a wonderful story to help executives grapple with some concepts that will help protect their organization from "DEATH by Meeting". I would encourage anyone who needs to run meetings in their role in their organization to read this book and implement as much as possible. It is a good read and makes some excellent points!

As a final point, I would say that my wife commented on the speed with which I finished this book... I usually plod carefully through non-fiction to make sure I get the point. Since Lencioni wrote this like a well-lubed work of fiction, I flew through it and couldn't get enough!