Gaining Perspective - Part 2

Gaining Perspective is the most challenging of all the steps in
handling a difficult conversation. There are no specific steps to
follow as there are in preparing the Opening Statement. What is
important here is to be conscious of using self-management skills and this means managing resistance and emotional responses. This applies not only to the other party, but also to your own resistance and emotional responses.

From my experience, I've found it best to expect resistance from the
get go. As I've stated in an earlier entry, when a person is
confronted or expected to change there will be some form of
resistance. How you mange this resistance will determine the overall
success, or lack thereof, of the difficult conversation.

The main focus of Gaining Perspective is to understand the other
person's motivation and understanding of events. You want to get as
clear and concrete understanding of their view as possible.

As we have all experienced, people are usually very reluctant to share
their view in fear that we may use it against them and/or to
unneccesarily expose themselves to further attack or criticism.

How do we handle resistance and emotional responses? We do this
through using the communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and
reviewing perspectives.

Silence. Take a moment and reflect back to the last argument you had
with someone. If you are anything like me perhaps you could describe
it as a war of words.

What often happens is the conversation starts out as a dialogue with
the intent to be civil and find a way out of the conundrum. What
really happens is the so-called civilized dialogue does a 'Dr. Jeckyl
and Mr. Hyde' and turns into a debate.

Listening to each other becomes passé. Instead, the trend is to get
all your blows in before your opponent has time to defend and recover.
Of course, this is the exact same mind-frame that the other person is
in.

The following are some of tje indicators that you are in this mode of
thinking:

• thinking about your response while the other person is making their
point
• trying to out-talk the other person hoping that they'll fall silent
and drown in your stream of words
• searching for the smallest of holes in their logic in order to
eviscerate their argument
• feeling the strong desire to score points and 'win' the debate
• harping on the same point and going no where
• offering advice or suggestions without exploring and understanding
their perspective of events

It is the perfect storm for a no-holds-barred, give-no-quarter ask-no-
quarter quarrel that goes no where except backwards. If this is your
goal - read no further.

To avoid all this useless noise, I generally employ silence. It is a
simple and effective method to take a step back and refocus.
Especially, when the dialogue starts to become heated. It allows
reactivity and strong emotions to subside and for some semblence of
clear thinking to return.

Paraphrasing. This is the second communication skill, which is
important when trying to understand the other person's perspective and
motivation. In essence, you rephrase back to the other person what you
beleive they communicated to you. This indicates to him/her that you
are paying attention and that you understand his/her message.

For example, "So what you are saying is that I tend to ignore your
suggestions during key meetings."

He/she will generally respond in one of two ways. "Yes, that is
precisely what I'm saying" or "No, not exactly. What I said was..."
Regardless if you are right on target or off, paraphrasing is an
excellent way to ensure you are exploring their side of the story.

Reviewing Perspectives. This is the third communication technique that
I've found to be essential in the Gaining Perspectives stage. This
skill is ideal when you wish to get clarification on how they perceive
a particular situation.

We experience the world through the eyes of our own individual
experiences as does everyone else on this planet. This means, we have
our own unique set of filters. It let's some information into our
awareness while blocking other bits.

Imagine you were one of many witnesses to a car accident. When the
police ask you what you saw, it is inevitable that your view of events
is going to be different, if only very slightly, from another witness.
So even though you and every other witness saw the exact same car
accident, each viewpoint will be as distinct as the individuals giving
the statements.

This logic holds true when it comes to difficult conversations. You
want to discover how they interpreted the exact same event, but
through their own unique filters You want to be upfront and say that
you came to a different conclusion and want to understand how they
came to theirs.

For example, "I see what happened quite differently. I want to
understand how you came to this conclusion."

The main take-home message for this entry is to keep a level head and
to understand, as thouroufhly as possible, the other person's
interpretation of events. To do this you will want to employ the
communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and reviewing
perspectives.

In my next entry, I will wrap up this series on conducting difficult/
crucial conversations by writing about the resolution stage - the last
of the four-steps.

If you wish for a free white-paper on conducting difficult
conversations, please contact me.

For other excellent resources, please check out the following links.

http://www.fastcompany.com/
http://www.managementtools.com/
http://www.bnet.com/

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

Gaining Perspective - Part 1

Gaining Perspective is the third step in having a difficult
conversation. From my experience, it is the most challenging of the four steps, because this is where the bulk of the dialogue happens. I will write about this step over two entries.

Most difficult conversations are about some sort of change. When we confront someone with change there is going to be resistance.

The resistance could be rather mild in the form of excuses. On the
other end of the scale, the resistance could be extreme in the form of
anger and complete disagreement. Regardless of amount of resistance,
the number one skill needed in this step is the ability to manage
resistance and emotional reactions.

One need is to use these skills for the person you are dealing with,
but even more importantly is dealing with your own resistance and
reactions.

It is rather difficult for you or I to give up our well-thought-
through perception of what happened. We've invested much time and
effort that to even begin to question our perception of events is
unthinkable. This most likely means, that we are not going to be open
to hearing another version of events.

It is at this point, the idea of changing our ideas about something
that we are so damn sure of, where our resistance will creep in. This
can take the form of anger, defensiveness, impatience or any number of
other beahviors.

It is important to be able to take a mental step back and check
yourself. You need to tell youself to stay in dialogue and not move
into debate. This requires self-management skills in the here and now.
An intergral part of this is the ability to be aware of what feelings
are being triggered and controlling them.

An emotional explosion is simply unprofessional. It puts up obstacles
and mires the difficult conversation in thick molasses. It will make a
difficult conversation even more challenging.

A few years back I was a witness to a minor car collision. The owner
of one of the vehicles was super irate and spewed a steady stream of
colourful metaphors at the other driver. When a police officer arrived
on the scene he directed his hissy-fit on her.

The officer maintained her composure under the assault of raw emotions
and insults. Her on-the-site self-management skills kept her own
emotions in check and her professional demeanor intact.

Eventually, through her skill and tact with communication skills she
got the irate driver to calm down and tell his version of events. You
can probably imagine what would have transpired if she had fired off
her emotional volley in responce.

The officer understood clearly that if she was to move the
conversation forward, it was essential for her to be open to hearing
the other side's story.

The idea here is to get the other side to speak and keep them
speaking. The more detail you can get them to be the more you will
understand how he/she perceives the situation.

In my next entry, I'll get more specific about the communication
skills needed to manage resistance and emotional reponces to Gaining
Perspective.

A great source for more information can be found at http://www.bnet.com/.

Cordially

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

Executive Coaching - Fuel or Folly

Leadership: Executive Coaching -- Fuel or Folly?

BY FC Expert Blogger Grace Andrews

This blog is written by a member of our expert blogging community and expresses that expert's views alone.

So which is it? There seems to be a wide variety of opinions concerning the value of executive coaching. Some say it is the professional that people choose who gets tired of working and so becomes a consultant and that this person’s input is a waste of time. Others swear by executive coaching as a way that changed their lives and careers. As an executive coach myself, I engage in both sides of this conversation with sincere interest. So is it fuel for the leader to improve or folly?

I believe that the answer to this question comes down to who is selected as the coach and how the selection process is structured. Just like most things you search for, like a good doctor, dentist, hair stylist or mechanic, it generally comes down to how well you know what you want and how good you are at researching who is the real deal versus who is a quack. The first point of context that will help you successfully navigate the executive coaching course is understanding how it can serve an organization.

What is the value of outside coaching?

Paul Michelman wrote in an article for the Harvard Business Review the following, when assessing what coaching is: "The belief is that, under the right circumstances, one-on-one interaction with an objective third party can provide a focus that other forms of organizational support simply cannot."

Whereas coaching was once viewed by many as a tool to help correct underperformance, today it is becoming much more widely used in supporting top producers. In fact, in a 2004 survey by Right Management Consultants (Philadelphia), 86 percent of companies said they used coaching to sharpen skills.

At an even more basic level, many executives simply benefit from receiving any feedback at all. "As individuals advance to the executive level, development feedback becomes increasingly important, more infrequent, and more unreliable," notes Anna Maravelas, a St. Paul, Minnesota-based executive coach and founder of TheraRising. As a result, she says, "Many executives plateau in critical interpersonal and leadership skills."

If what Maravelas is saying is true, then why do some people believe executive coaching is hogwash? The answer: because there are a lot of bad coaches out there and they give the profession a bad name. This is why how you structure your selection process and whom you ultimately choose are so important. If you are thinking of heading down this road and want to get the most benefit from your selection process, here are a few tips to get you started.

How do you get started?

First things first:
Know that, without question, executive coaching is not therapy. If it is therapy you want, go find a therapist. This is business coaching and if it turns into therapy and the person is not a qualified therapist, he/she can do more harm than good.

Know what your goal is:
Have an idea of what you want to get out of this coaching engagement. You may not know exactly what your goals are, but you have to think, at least generally, about what you are striving for, so you can appropriately select a coach who can get you there.

Know what type of coach you want:
I categorize coaches into three general categories:
1) Coaching primarily for relationship skills. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a kinder, gentler approach and will include talking through many communication and relationship scenarios.
2) Coaching primarily for goal-achievement and growth. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a more directive and assertive style (i.e., someone who isn’t about the coachee’s comfort). Typically the coachee will be given assignments, reading and a specific process to follow.
3) Coaching that is psychological in nature. This approach utilizes testing, theories and proven models and focuses on "a what makes you tick" kind of process to get to the goal.

I am confident there are combinations of these three approaches, but you need to identify what type of coach will work best for you. All have value, if they match your goals and disposition.

Ask good questions:
I have found that most executives are poor at interviewing potential coaches and that they do not know what to ask. Here are a few sample questions that every reputable coach should be able to answer:
1. Tell me about your coaching process and philosophy? (Here, you are looking for a feel of what type of coach the person is and the length of the process, time commitment, and frequency of meetings. Also probe for some of the tools and resources the coach might use.)

2. Give me an example of a previous coaching experience that you would consider a success and what made it so?

3. How would you describe your coaching style?

4. How do you help identify what your coachee’s needs are? (Here you are looking to see if they utilize a 360 feedback process or another method to ascertain needs that the coachee may not see in him/herself)

5. How do you measure success?

I am sure many who are reading this can give us more examples of good questions to ask a coach. If you have some, please let me know.

The coaching process can be a fabulous and engaging experience for leaders to partake in, which ultimately leads to growth and enhancement. Following the basics that I’ve outlined here will ensure that you find a coach who is both reputable and skilled at aiding you in this executive coaching journey. Lastly, if in the selection process a particular coach has all the right answers, but you are uncomfortable with his/her style, don't choose that coach – it simply won’t work.

One last thought:
As the coachee, be prepared for some hard work and be open to hearing a lot of feedback that might feel painful. You must work on limiting your defensiveness and focus on being curious about the learning that can take place. Remember, this coaching process is for you; it may align around company goals, but it is for your growth and you will choose what to share, what to change and what to keep the same. Being dismissive or defensive about the feedback will greatly limit your growth and the value this process can bring. After all, you are hiring this person to be your "truth teller"…..embrace that gift.