Gaining Perspective - Part 2

Gaining Perspective is the most challenging of all the steps in
handling a difficult conversation. There are no specific steps to
follow as there are in preparing the Opening Statement. What is
important here is to be conscious of using self-management skills and this means managing resistance and emotional responses. This applies not only to the other party, but also to your own resistance and emotional responses.

From my experience, I've found it best to expect resistance from the
get go. As I've stated in an earlier entry, when a person is
confronted or expected to change there will be some form of
resistance. How you mange this resistance will determine the overall
success, or lack thereof, of the difficult conversation.

The main focus of Gaining Perspective is to understand the other
person's motivation and understanding of events. You want to get as
clear and concrete understanding of their view as possible.

As we have all experienced, people are usually very reluctant to share
their view in fear that we may use it against them and/or to
unneccesarily expose themselves to further attack or criticism.

How do we handle resistance and emotional responses? We do this
through using the communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and
reviewing perspectives.

Silence. Take a moment and reflect back to the last argument you had
with someone. If you are anything like me perhaps you could describe
it as a war of words.

What often happens is the conversation starts out as a dialogue with
the intent to be civil and find a way out of the conundrum. What
really happens is the so-called civilized dialogue does a 'Dr. Jeckyl
and Mr. Hyde' and turns into a debate.

Listening to each other becomes passé. Instead, the trend is to get
all your blows in before your opponent has time to defend and recover.
Of course, this is the exact same mind-frame that the other person is
in.

The following are some of tje indicators that you are in this mode of
thinking:

• thinking about your response while the other person is making their
point
• trying to out-talk the other person hoping that they'll fall silent
and drown in your stream of words
• searching for the smallest of holes in their logic in order to
eviscerate their argument
• feeling the strong desire to score points and 'win' the debate
• harping on the same point and going no where
• offering advice or suggestions without exploring and understanding
their perspective of events

It is the perfect storm for a no-holds-barred, give-no-quarter ask-no-
quarter quarrel that goes no where except backwards. If this is your
goal - read no further.

To avoid all this useless noise, I generally employ silence. It is a
simple and effective method to take a step back and refocus.
Especially, when the dialogue starts to become heated. It allows
reactivity and strong emotions to subside and for some semblence of
clear thinking to return.

Paraphrasing. This is the second communication skill, which is
important when trying to understand the other person's perspective and
motivation. In essence, you rephrase back to the other person what you
beleive they communicated to you. This indicates to him/her that you
are paying attention and that you understand his/her message.

For example, "So what you are saying is that I tend to ignore your
suggestions during key meetings."

He/she will generally respond in one of two ways. "Yes, that is
precisely what I'm saying" or "No, not exactly. What I said was..."
Regardless if you are right on target or off, paraphrasing is an
excellent way to ensure you are exploring their side of the story.

Reviewing Perspectives. This is the third communication technique that
I've found to be essential in the Gaining Perspectives stage. This
skill is ideal when you wish to get clarification on how they perceive
a particular situation.

We experience the world through the eyes of our own individual
experiences as does everyone else on this planet. This means, we have
our own unique set of filters. It let's some information into our
awareness while blocking other bits.

Imagine you were one of many witnesses to a car accident. When the
police ask you what you saw, it is inevitable that your view of events
is going to be different, if only very slightly, from another witness.
So even though you and every other witness saw the exact same car
accident, each viewpoint will be as distinct as the individuals giving
the statements.

This logic holds true when it comes to difficult conversations. You
want to discover how they interpreted the exact same event, but
through their own unique filters You want to be upfront and say that
you came to a different conclusion and want to understand how they
came to theirs.

For example, "I see what happened quite differently. I want to
understand how you came to this conclusion."

The main take-home message for this entry is to keep a level head and
to understand, as thouroufhly as possible, the other person's
interpretation of events. To do this you will want to employ the
communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and reviewing
perspectives.

In my next entry, I will wrap up this series on conducting difficult/
crucial conversations by writing about the resolution stage - the last
of the four-steps.

If you wish for a free white-paper on conducting difficult
conversations, please contact me.

For other excellent resources, please check out the following links.

http://www.fastcompany.com/
http://www.managementtools.com/
http://www.bnet.com/

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

Gaining Perspective - Part 1

Gaining Perspective is the third step in having a difficult
conversation. From my experience, it is the most challenging of the four steps, because this is where the bulk of the dialogue happens. I will write about this step over two entries.

Most difficult conversations are about some sort of change. When we confront someone with change there is going to be resistance.

The resistance could be rather mild in the form of excuses. On the
other end of the scale, the resistance could be extreme in the form of
anger and complete disagreement. Regardless of amount of resistance,
the number one skill needed in this step is the ability to manage
resistance and emotional reactions.

One need is to use these skills for the person you are dealing with,
but even more importantly is dealing with your own resistance and
reactions.

It is rather difficult for you or I to give up our well-thought-
through perception of what happened. We've invested much time and
effort that to even begin to question our perception of events is
unthinkable. This most likely means, that we are not going to be open
to hearing another version of events.

It is at this point, the idea of changing our ideas about something
that we are so damn sure of, where our resistance will creep in. This
can take the form of anger, defensiveness, impatience or any number of
other beahviors.

It is important to be able to take a mental step back and check
yourself. You need to tell youself to stay in dialogue and not move
into debate. This requires self-management skills in the here and now.
An intergral part of this is the ability to be aware of what feelings
are being triggered and controlling them.

An emotional explosion is simply unprofessional. It puts up obstacles
and mires the difficult conversation in thick molasses. It will make a
difficult conversation even more challenging.

A few years back I was a witness to a minor car collision. The owner
of one of the vehicles was super irate and spewed a steady stream of
colourful metaphors at the other driver. When a police officer arrived
on the scene he directed his hissy-fit on her.

The officer maintained her composure under the assault of raw emotions
and insults. Her on-the-site self-management skills kept her own
emotions in check and her professional demeanor intact.

Eventually, through her skill and tact with communication skills she
got the irate driver to calm down and tell his version of events. You
can probably imagine what would have transpired if she had fired off
her emotional volley in responce.

The officer understood clearly that if she was to move the
conversation forward, it was essential for her to be open to hearing
the other side's story.

The idea here is to get the other side to speak and keep them
speaking. The more detail you can get them to be the more you will
understand how he/she perceives the situation.

In my next entry, I'll get more specific about the communication
skills needed to manage resistance and emotional reponces to Gaining
Perspective.

A great source for more information can be found at http://www.bnet.com/.

Cordially

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

Executive Coaching - Fuel or Folly

Leadership: Executive Coaching -- Fuel or Folly?

BY FC Expert Blogger Grace Andrews

This blog is written by a member of our expert blogging community and expresses that expert's views alone.

So which is it? There seems to be a wide variety of opinions concerning the value of executive coaching. Some say it is the professional that people choose who gets tired of working and so becomes a consultant and that this person’s input is a waste of time. Others swear by executive coaching as a way that changed their lives and careers. As an executive coach myself, I engage in both sides of this conversation with sincere interest. So is it fuel for the leader to improve or folly?

I believe that the answer to this question comes down to who is selected as the coach and how the selection process is structured. Just like most things you search for, like a good doctor, dentist, hair stylist or mechanic, it generally comes down to how well you know what you want and how good you are at researching who is the real deal versus who is a quack. The first point of context that will help you successfully navigate the executive coaching course is understanding how it can serve an organization.

What is the value of outside coaching?

Paul Michelman wrote in an article for the Harvard Business Review the following, when assessing what coaching is: "The belief is that, under the right circumstances, one-on-one interaction with an objective third party can provide a focus that other forms of organizational support simply cannot."

Whereas coaching was once viewed by many as a tool to help correct underperformance, today it is becoming much more widely used in supporting top producers. In fact, in a 2004 survey by Right Management Consultants (Philadelphia), 86 percent of companies said they used coaching to sharpen skills.

At an even more basic level, many executives simply benefit from receiving any feedback at all. "As individuals advance to the executive level, development feedback becomes increasingly important, more infrequent, and more unreliable," notes Anna Maravelas, a St. Paul, Minnesota-based executive coach and founder of TheraRising. As a result, she says, "Many executives plateau in critical interpersonal and leadership skills."

If what Maravelas is saying is true, then why do some people believe executive coaching is hogwash? The answer: because there are a lot of bad coaches out there and they give the profession a bad name. This is why how you structure your selection process and whom you ultimately choose are so important. If you are thinking of heading down this road and want to get the most benefit from your selection process, here are a few tips to get you started.

How do you get started?

First things first:
Know that, without question, executive coaching is not therapy. If it is therapy you want, go find a therapist. This is business coaching and if it turns into therapy and the person is not a qualified therapist, he/she can do more harm than good.

Know what your goal is:
Have an idea of what you want to get out of this coaching engagement. You may not know exactly what your goals are, but you have to think, at least generally, about what you are striving for, so you can appropriately select a coach who can get you there.

Know what type of coach you want:
I categorize coaches into three general categories:
1) Coaching primarily for relationship skills. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a kinder, gentler approach and will include talking through many communication and relationship scenarios.
2) Coaching primarily for goal-achievement and growth. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a more directive and assertive style (i.e., someone who isn’t about the coachee’s comfort). Typically the coachee will be given assignments, reading and a specific process to follow.
3) Coaching that is psychological in nature. This approach utilizes testing, theories and proven models and focuses on "a what makes you tick" kind of process to get to the goal.

I am confident there are combinations of these three approaches, but you need to identify what type of coach will work best for you. All have value, if they match your goals and disposition.

Ask good questions:
I have found that most executives are poor at interviewing potential coaches and that they do not know what to ask. Here are a few sample questions that every reputable coach should be able to answer:
1. Tell me about your coaching process and philosophy? (Here, you are looking for a feel of what type of coach the person is and the length of the process, time commitment, and frequency of meetings. Also probe for some of the tools and resources the coach might use.)

2. Give me an example of a previous coaching experience that you would consider a success and what made it so?

3. How would you describe your coaching style?

4. How do you help identify what your coachee’s needs are? (Here you are looking to see if they utilize a 360 feedback process or another method to ascertain needs that the coachee may not see in him/herself)

5. How do you measure success?

I am sure many who are reading this can give us more examples of good questions to ask a coach. If you have some, please let me know.

The coaching process can be a fabulous and engaging experience for leaders to partake in, which ultimately leads to growth and enhancement. Following the basics that I’ve outlined here will ensure that you find a coach who is both reputable and skilled at aiding you in this executive coaching journey. Lastly, if in the selection process a particular coach has all the right answers, but you are uncomfortable with his/her style, don't choose that coach – it simply won’t work.

One last thought:
As the coachee, be prepared for some hard work and be open to hearing a lot of feedback that might feel painful. You must work on limiting your defensiveness and focus on being curious about the learning that can take place. Remember, this coaching process is for you; it may align around company goals, but it is for your growth and you will choose what to share, what to change and what to keep the same. Being dismissive or defensive about the feedback will greatly limit your growth and the value this process can bring. After all, you are hiring this person to be your "truth teller"…..embrace that gift.

NLP - Psuedoscience?

As many of you readers may know, or will eventually discover, that there are many different types of coaches. The methodologies and techniques also varies quite extensively. One such technique is Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP for short.

Since the 1970's there have been scores of books written on the subject. In many of these books NLP is described as a discipline that falls under the realm of psychology. To some extent I agree with them. I've read extensively through the literature and my conclusion is NLP is suited for teaching sales people to push a product. If learning sales techniques is your goal for hiring a coach then a NLP practitioner is what you are looking for.

Below you will find a detailed article writen by Brian Dunning on May 26, 2009. It goes into some depth and describes the origins and the researched conclusions as to the effectiveness of NLP. At the end of the article, you will find links to Brian Dunning's podcast and website.

NLP: Neuro-linguistic Programming
by Brian Dunning

Today we're going to point our skeptical eye at Neuro-linguistic Programming, a New Age communication technique intended to facilitate the exertion of influence. Is it science, or is it another spin-the-wheel-and-invent-a-new-self-help-system disguising its marketing within scientific sounding language?

It was the early 1970's, and a young psychology student at the University of California, Santa Cruz was spending another late night in the lab. Richard Bandler's assignment was to transcribe hours and hours of psychotherapy sessions from the maverick German psychiatrist Fritz Perls. After transcribing until his hands were about to fall off, Bandler noticed an interesting pattern in the way Perls spoke to his patients. Perls had an odd — almost annoying — habit of taking his patients' comments and going back over them with very specific questions, forcing the patients to closely re-examine their wording. Sometimes it seemed that you couldn't make the simplest remark without Perls raking you over the coals. What made you choose this word; what are the implications of your statement? Perls would force his patients to confront the causes and motivations of even the most casual remark. Bandler noticed that this technique had a dramatic effect. Patients would eventually be ground down to the point that they were unable to explain themselves, leaving something of an internal void, and became exceptionally receptive to Perls' suggestions to fill that void. Rather than resenting what might be called harsh cross examination, patients instead tended to embrace the process; and Bandler found that taken as a whole, Perls' technique seemed highly effective.

Bandler reported his discovery to John Grinder, who was a linguist at Santa Cruz. Grinder was intrigued. The two discussed Bandler's findings at length, and decided to look for other incidences of the same pattern. They found them in the psychotherapy sessions of pioneering family therapist Virginia Satir. Believing that they'd stumbled onto something significant, Bandler and Grinder documented and codified the technique, and named it the Meta Model. Built largely around the Meta Model, the two men published the first two of many books to come in 1975. They heralded their discovery as a breakthrough in psychotherapy that would "help people have better, fuller and richer lives." (Keep in mind that this alleged breakthrough in psychotherapy was created by an undergrad and a linguist, neither of whom was a psychotherapist; though Bandler did go on to get an MA in psychology.)

They then built upon their Meta Model with a very different communication technique that they learned by studying the work of hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. Erickson's style was the polar opposite of the high pressure of the Meta Model. What he did was to give general suggestions to his hypnotherapy clients. He wouldn't give specific directions like "You feel happy," instead he'd give a suggestion like "You're free to feel this way if you want to." Not "Put the cup on the counter," but "Consider other places you might like to put the cup, somewhere over there for example." In this way, Erickson was able to guide the client through to his desired destination, but by leaving all the specific steps to get there up to the client, thus empowering them. Bandler and Grinder called this the Milton Model. They found both to be effective tools for influencing others.

Together, the Meta Model and the Milton Model formed the basis for what they came to call Neuro-linguistic Programming. Bandler and Grinder were up to five books by the time they published their Milton Model, and from then on, their subsequent books covered their whole umbrella of Neuro-linguistic Programming, shortened to NLP. By now, the books were being published by Bandler's own publishing company, Meta Publications. They also offered training workshops and classes, marketed at first through psychology trade publications. But it turned out their business came not from the industry, but from business managers, sales professionals, and New Age enthusiasts. NLP grew from the same roots, and shared many of the same customers, with EST and Esalen, also located in the same region around the northern California coast. Throughout the 1970's, such groups peddled self-help philosophies typically ignored by the mainstream. Bandler, Grinder, and the group of associates that grew around them became wealthy and successful, until the early 1980's when trademark disputes, mutual lawsuits, and Bandler's trial for the cocaine-fueled murder of a prostitute (for which he was acquitted) caused all the NLP leaders to splinter off from one another. Today the term NLP is in the public domain, and most of the original founders still publish their own material and teach their own classes using the term, but there is no one organization that owns the trademark.

I've read a fair amount about NLP, and my analysis of the Meta Model is pretty simple. I'd describe it as a confrontational manner of speaking intended to dominate a conversation by nitpicking the other's persons sentences apart. For example, if it's a good day and all is well, I might be inclined to make an offhand, general comment like "I feel pretty good today." The Meta Model response to that is "What specifically makes you feel good?" And, I don't really know. I don't really have a single, specific answer. And whatever I do come up with gets attacked the same way: "Exactly why does that make you feel good?" And suddenly I'm on the defensive; I'm being made to feel that I'm in error, the position I've taken is revealed to be unsupported; and I'm now putty in the NLP guy's hands. Basically, it's being a condescending jerk in the way you talk to someone, in order to exert influence. That's the Meta Model. It's not psychotherapy; it's high-pressure sales. The Milton Model takes a different road to the same destination: low-pressure sales.

And it's not just sales. It's negotiation in business. It's gaining the upper hand in interpersonal relationships. It's being an effective manager or sports coach. But — and this is the big "but" — despite the claims of those who sell NLP books and seminars, it is not part of modern psychotherapy. Russia and the UK do have professional associations of NLP practitioners, but these are composed largely of people selling books and seminars, and only rarely of credentialed psychiatrists. In 2005, the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry published the results of a comprehensive study of all the publications regarding NLP and similar modalities, which it grouped together under the term "power therapies". The article states:

Advocates of new therapies frequently make bold claims regarding therapeutic effectiveness, particularly in response to disorders which have been traditionally treatment-refractory. This paper reviews a collection of new therapies collectively self-termed 'The Power Therapies', outlining their proposed procedures and the evidence for and against their use. These therapies are then put to the test for pseudoscientific practice... It is concluded that these new therapies have offered no new scientifically valid theories of action, show only non-specific efficacy, show no evidence that they offer substantive improvements to extant psychiatric care, yet display many characteristics consistent with pseudoscience.

It seems the only mentions of NLP to be found in mainstream journals are critical, when they can be found at all, outside of the hypnotism and other fringe journals. Even way back in 1987, the Journal of Counseling Psychology published an article that:

Examines the experimental literature on neurolinguistic programming (NLP). [The authors] concluded that the effectiveness of this therapy was yet to be demonstrated. Presents data from seven recent studies that further question the basic tenets of NLP and their application in counseling situations.

Dig far enough and you can find publications that support the therapeutic use of NLP, albeit from journals of varying repute. Wikipedia's article on NLP provides a long list of such articles, so if you wanted to state the case that NLP is science, it would be easy to go there and back yourself up. Well, of course, Joe Blow on the street has no real way of knowing which side he should believe, so this is one case where I'd recommend looking at the meta analyses: Studies that attempt to summarize all the articles out there. The largest of these (that I could find) was done by Michael Heap in 1988:

If the assertions made by proponents of NLP about representational systems and their behavioural manifestations are correct, then its founders have made remarkable discoveries about the human mind and brain, which would have important implications for human psychology, particularly cognitive science and neuropsychology. Yet there is no mention of them in learned textbooks or journals devoted to these disciplines. Neither is this material taught in psychology courses at the pre-degree and degree level.

Heap also found that when he asked colleagues about NLP, they generally hadn't even heard of it. Whatever else you want to say about NLP, the fact is that it is not part of mainstream psychology. That doesn't make it wrong or useless; it just means that it's not part of established, practiced science.

So really, what we have with NLP boils down to just another pop-culture, New Age, self-help system that disingenuously markets itself as science. Read this book and you'll be a better manager, a better salesman, more successful. The promise of results — be they money, success, interpersonal, psychological — is a red flag that you're solidly outside the world of professional psychology, or any other branch of medical science. If any doctor or other profession ever guarantees you results, or tells you that goals are only a few simple steps away, you have very good cause to be skeptical.

Article: http://skeptoid.com/episodes/4155#
Podcast: NLP: Neuro-linguistic programming podcast

Guidelines for Choosing a Coach

The reason most people hire a coach is to improve their private or professional lives in one way or another. Coaching is like any other profession. There are coaches who are highly skilled, knowledgeable and have a genuine ability to pull the best out of people. These coaches will generally have many years of experience, education and background in the field and areas where they coach.

Then there are other coaches that have been described as charlatans, quacks and cranks. When doing a little back-ground check, people will tend to find that these coaches have a questionable education in coaching (from only a few weeks to a few months). When looking into their experience and references, it will tend to be very sketchy and highly questionable.

Coaching is a growing field and I can confidently qualify that with the word exponential. Like any service or product that is numerous the consumer (or client in the case of coaching) can easily get lost in the choice. Couple that with the fact that the going into coaching agreement means exposing yourself some what in order to develop and grow, choosing the right coach is critical.

Below is a brilliant article by Chuck and Sue DeFiore. They write an exhaustive check list that is handy for anyone out there who might be looking for and/or considering hiring a coach.

Guidelines For Choosing A Guru, Coach Or Mentor

By: Chuck & Sue DeFiore

The following tips are meant as a guide for those of you who wish to enter into a coaching or mentoring relationship with a Guru, Coach or Mentor.

1. If you are not going to work with the individual you are paying, don't do it. You need to work with the individual who's charging you, so you can have accountability from him/her.
2. Take a very close look at the cost/benefit ratio of the relationship. Is similar information or help available at a lower cost or from other sources. Please understand that most of the information needed to succeed in Creative Real Estate or Home-Based Businesses is available for free if you have the time and ability to research it yourself.
3. Be very careful of those who claim to have secret or proprietary ways of doing business. The dictionary defines proprietary as made and sold by one with the sole right to do so; exclusively owned; private; benefiting an owner; owned by a private individual or corporation under a trademark or patent.

   Now ask yourself, does anyone in the field of Creative Real Estate own an exclusive method of doing business. The answer is no. It is just marketing hype designed to entice someone into parting with his/her money.

   Most of the methods for finding, acquiring, renting, selling, optioning property have been around for years. Can someone bring a slightly different twist to these methods, yes; but this is hardly proprietary.

   Take Lease Options, people have been doing options for well over one half of a century. There is nothing new about sandwich leases, assignments, etc.

   Wouldn't you think that if someone had a proprietary method and he or she shared that method, that it would no longer be proprietary. Of course! Once shared, it is no longer exclusively owned, therefore not proprietary.

   Which really leaves the part of the definition about benefiting the owner. As we have seen, there are truly no proprietary or secret methods; so who does this claim benefit? Why the one trying to separate you from your money with this hype.

4. Be careful about long term relationships. Be sure any contract you sign can be canceled if you are not satisfied with the service being provided to you. You should be the final arbitrator of whether or not a relationship is worth your money.

   Do not pay for the entire period up front. Many Gurus, Coaches and Mentors have a non-refundable clause in their contracts. By paying the entire fee up front, you lose leverage in case of dissatisfaction with the services provided you.

5. Be sure any material supplied to you and any services to be provided during the course of the relationship are covered in detail. Get a listing of what will be covered and the order in which it will happen. Do not accept generalities or vague comments like "We'll get to that". Know exactly what you are paying for.
6. Don't be led on by overly high prices. The most expensive is not always the best, especially for you. This is one area, where cost does not equal caring or commitment to your needs. Nor, does a high price indicate quality. Don't be fooled by the "I'm worth it" line.
7. Speaking of quality and caring, don't settle for lip service that someone cares about your future, make them demonstrate it. Speak to them a number of times. Do they give you the bum's rush if you can't afford their services right now, or do they take some time with you. Do you get the sense that they are more interested in selling you something? If you do, think very carefully before agreeing to enter any relationship with someone like this. What makes you think that their underlying attitude will change with the passing of money.
8. Do they seem to get more benefit from the relationship than you do? By this we mean, do they ask you to help promote their activities or products in your marketing material or promotional material. Do they ask you to do things for them, but are reluctant to do things to help promote your business? If they do, these are warning signs that this could well be a one sided relationship. Don't fall for the line "Well, you'll receive some back end benefit from this". Remember, you're in business to promote yourself, not someone else.
9. If your Guru, Coach or Mentor makes a promise to do something for you, get it in writing, particularly if it has a monetary consequence to you. By getting it in writing, you avoid any misunderstandings and you have recourse if he/she does not follow through.
10. When you speak with your Guru, Coach or Mentor, does he/she remember the details of your last conversation or do you need to start at the beginning each time. If you need to start over with each conversation, this may be a sign that he/she is too busy to keep track of all the people they are working with. Is this what you are paying for? The last thing you need, is to feel like a part on an assembly line. It's common sense that anyone can only work with so many individuals before the quality starts to suffer. You may want to ask before you get started, how many others the person you are considering is currently working with.
11. If your Guru, Coach or Mentor provides material for you, be sure you understand where and how it can be used in your business. Get it in writing. Don't depend upon verbal representations as to its use. You want to be sure that any material, particularly contracts, can be used in all facets of your business. If the material can't be used in all facets, what are the restrictions? Can you live with them? How this material can be used, may well influence what you are willing to pay. If you can, try to arrange to examine the material included before you make a final decision. You want to avoid material that is more fluff than substance. Understand, most Gurus, Coaches or Mentors will not mail this material to you first. Unfortunately, there are too many individuals who would take and copy this material with no expectation of ever working with someone. If you don't live in geographic proximity to the person you are considering, they should at least be able to provide you with a very detailed Table of Contents and Sub-Headings for their material. If they are not willing to do that, Pass.
12. Does your Guru, Coach or Mentor give you realistic suggestions to help you, or are they unfeasible given your situation. In other words, are the suggestions given within your financial means to carry out. Will they have an impact on your bottom line within a reasonable time frame? Do you have the technical expertise to carry out the suggestions? Or, do you get the feeling that everyone your Guru, Coach or Mentor works with receives the same suggestions. Remember, he/she is there to help support, guide and nurture you. Any suggestions given should have those principles in mind.
13. If suggestions are made, be sure to get specifics. Don't accept generalities. If a suggestion is made to write a book, do a tape set, give a seminar, etc., be sure your Guru, Coach or Mentor gives you details as to how to do it, if you've never done something like this. He/she should be able to give you a step-by-step plan of action to implement these suggestions. If they can't or won't, this is red flag. After all, you are paying for their expertise, be sure you receive it.
14. Be careful about references. No one in business is going to give you the name and telephone number of someone who is dissatisfied with their service as a reference. So understand that any references you receive are going to be positive ones. Also, if the Guru, Coach or Mentor claims to have been doing this for a years, get a range of people going back over this time period. See how many of these people are still active. What type of long range success has this person been able to generate for the individual he/she has worked with. Don't expect everyone to still be active, but this will give you some idea as to the effectiveness of the training provided.

    Be especially careful if the prospective Guru, Coach or Mentor gives you predominately new individuals to call. This is a big warning sign. Obviously, this last wouldn't apply to someone relatively new.

15. Most Gurus, Coaches and Mentors will look to sign you up for one to two years, or longer. One thing most will not tell you, is that they expect that your calls will diminish over the first few months. Therefore, you may be paying for service that you will not need in the long run. Avoid long term contracts if at all possible. It may be better to pay as you go if you can. The extra money you save may be better spent on your business.

We hope these guidelines will help you in choosing someone to work with if you decide that is the best way for you to accomplish your goals. The bottom line, be very careful before committing yourself to a long term relationship. A good one can greatly accelerate your learning; a bad experience can set you back years, and possibly even kill your dreams.

We wish you the best.

Components of the Self-Concept

My experience has taught me always to try to learn as much I can about how my client sees him/herself and how he/she perceives the world. By gaining this insight my ability to help them as a coach increases tremendously.

In order to do this I must be constantly aware of two points. The first is to hold back on my assumptions, because it is a natural human tendency to to judge other and their actions based on how we see the world. This means I need to be completely engaged in what they are telling me and to be constantly listening to make sure I'm following there line of thinking (see 'Tools of the Trade' entry) If there is something that I don't understand and/or their description is too abstract or general, I need to back track and get clarification.

The second point is to ask designed questions to explore the components of the client's self-concept (SC) - the competencies, the character traits and the values. I'd like to explore each of these components in turn.

The first component of the SC is competencies (i.e. What am I skilled at? Where do my talents shine?). We tend to define ourselves by our talents, abilities and skills. When people talk about themselves, especially in introductions, they will tend to talk about what position they hold in a company, what they do for a living and what hobbies or sports they are involved in. Many people spend a considerable amount of their time invested in their jobs, pastimes, interests and hobbies. This is not so strange since what we are skilled at also tends to trigger our interest and curiosity. Thus people will view the world, see problem and challenges andmake decisions based on their competencies.

The second component of the SC is character traits (i.e. Who am I?). These are the labels that we've given ourselves, by other people and by our surrounding, whether it was in the past or now in the present. Labels such as diplomatic, arrogant, lazy, healthy, kind, neurotic, opinionated and countless other adjectives.

We may be conscious of some of our labels, but most of them will lie in the unconscious recesses of our mind. These labels may have been forgotten by the conscious mind, by no means though are they laying dormant. They are the bricks and morter of our identity and they have an ever-present influence on our behavior and our decision-making.

The final component is of the SC is values (i.e. What is important to me?). They are the sense or feelings we have about someone, something or some situation. The choices we make our based on these emotions and feelings. The reason why a person buys a certain type of car, lives in a particular area, enjoys a certain type of activity, listens to a a genre of music and a thousand other things are based on how it makes them feel. If you take a moment to think about why you wear a particular type of watch, dress in a certain style or the types of books you enjoy reading tell you something about your values. If you also take a look at your inner-circle of friends you will see that most likely share some values and it is these mutual values that contribute to the depth and strength of your friendship.

Whether it is in the professional or private areas of someone's life, they will make choices based on how it makes them feel. People make decisions based on feeling a sense of adventure, excitement, contribution, belonging, achievement, status, giving, recognition, respect and so on. At the same time, people make decisions to avoid feeling a sense of incompetence, boredom, frustration, embarrassment, irritation, fear, anger, stress and so on. This means that values are not only the reserve of positive feelings, but those of negative feelings. The author Tony Robbins called them moving-toward and moving-away values. Any feeling that we can experience can be brought down to the common-denominator of either pleasure or pain. The words we assign to feelings are simply a way of explaining the different degrees of pleasure or pain.

Your competencies, character traits and values make up your identity. For the majority of your waking day you are not consciously aware or thinking about these components. They are sitting undetected in your unconscious mind working away influencing your every action, thought and decision.

In order for you to feel psychology right about yourself, your actions, behavior and decisions have to be congruent with who you think you are. For example, if you feel that you are a person of intergrity then your actions will follow your beliefs as you personally come to define what integrity is.

If, on the other hand, your actions and behavior are incongruent with your self concept then there will be repercussions. It may be in the form of stress, feelings of guilt and blame, or an inner awkwardness. For example, a person may feel that part of her identity is a strong sense of commitment and trust, but one-day cheats on her boyfriend. Afterward, we may feel a deep sense of regret and guilt, because she has gone against her personal definition of commitment and trust.

So what is it that determines if someone is living congruently or incongruently with their identity? What is the underlying mechanism that gives us the ability to judge ourselves? The answer is our belief system, which will be the topic of the next entry.

Basis of Identity

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, my methodology of coaching is a collection from a broad spectrum of psychology. What I will do in the next few postings is to elaborate at a more detailed level what I do and how I do it.

I base most of my coaching on the idea of the self-concept, which is better known as a person's identity. This identity or self-concept influences how, for example, you interpret and interact with the world. It also strongly influences your behavior, attitudes, opinions and decisions. This
entry is going to introduce the model of the self-concept that I use when coaching.

Your self-concept (SC) in the simplest terms is who you believe you are. It is based on three categories; your values, your competenciesand your character traits.

If you imagine yourself at a business mixer, a convention, a party of any other type of engagement where you meet new people. When you introduce yourself or people introduce themselves to you it typically begins with a name, job position, the company, responsibilities,
location and so on. As the conversation continues likes and dislike may be shared, hobbies, interests, places traveled as well any number of other points of interest. Basically, the both of you are trying to formulate a picture of who each other is and what each of you are about. What you tell each other, if not all, fall under the three categories of the SC mentioned earlier.

When you speak about what is important to you you are communicatingyour values.

When you speak about what you do, your education, your interests and hobbies you are communicating your competencies.

When you describe who you are of what you are you are communicating your character traits.

These components are key to helping clients work through their issues, because they directly influence how they behave, how they act or react and how they make decisions. I have only briefly detailed the components of the SC in this post. Since they are so relevant in my coaching practice I will dedicate an entire post to them next time.

Jason W Liem
www.MINDtalk.no
MINDtalk@email.com

Tools of the Trade

When it comes to sitting in a coaching session, I've found it very useful to keep the tools of the trade low-tech. Having a small notebook and a couple of pens works best for me.

Conversations have a tendency to be very organic. That is, a conversation is like a tree. It will begin on a main root, but will naturally branch off in a new direction. The reasons for this are as numerous as the leafs on a tree. The point is that a conversation can branch of several times in different directions. Perhaps it may return to the original root of the conversation or it blooms into a completely different direction.

I have found it to be critical to be aware of these conversational branches and to mark them down in my notebook. I usually write down a key-word that the client has said that has triggered the change in direction. This helps me to track the flow of the conversation. I do this for several reasons.

Sometimes the client may be in the midst of explaining an issue using general and vague terms. If it is at a point in the conversation where they are still in a flow of thought, I will note down the key-word or phrase. When he/she comes to the natural end-point of their thought-flow, I will reflect back to what I wrote down and ask for clarification.

I have developed my own little symbols and short-hand to note down these conversational branches. It's necessary to do this since coaching dialogues move very fast and the direction can shift in an exhale. It allows me to move with the rapid speed of the conversation while still taking notes to move the client to be more specific and concrete.

I've yet to discover anything that is better than a notebook (my choice is moleskines http://www.moleskine.co.uk/ ) and a couple of pens.

The WOW factor

Welcome to the MINDtalk blog.

What I wish to convey through this blog is to share with you, the reader, the insights I have learned through coaching corporate and entrepreneurial clients since 2000. My wish is that you will walk away with a bit of knowledge on coaching and communication that will add onto your current skill-set.

Although, I might be very familiar with the subject matter of coaching and communication there is always something to be learned, always some insight that builds onto my knowledge base and always a new approach to helping the client to solve a problem or answer a question. I call it the WOW factor.

Whenever I feel the WOW factor I write it down in my ever-present moleskin. It is exactly like when you read a sentence or passage in a book that raises a flag of interest in your mind and you highlight it with a pen or highlighter. It allows you to easily find your insight in the future when you flip through the pages of the book. Thus, it is my ever growing collection of WOW factors that will be the subject of my posts.

I look forward to posting my WOWs on coaching and communication and hope you will walk away with some tidbit of knowledge that will, in one form or another, help you.