Feeling excluded? Welcome to social pain.

"I was at a park with my dog and suddenly a frisbee roiled up and hit me in the back. I looked around and there were two guys playing, so I threw it back to them thinking that I'd go back to my dog - but they threw it back to me. So I threw it to them and they threw it to me, so I sort of joined their group and we were throwing it around for a couple of minutes and then all of a sudden they stopped throwing it to me and they just threw it to each other... I was amazed at how bad I felt... And finally I just sort of slithered back to my dog."- Kip Williams, Social Psychologist from a 2004 interview with ABC News.

This is a great quote that captures the feeling of being excluded. I remember when I was a kid back in the schoolyard when teams were being picked. I tended to be the last or sometimes not picked at all. I felt gutted. At some point, most people have experienced being excluded.

You may be at a party or a business mixer and you notice four people having a lively conversation. You approach the small group and they shift ever so slightly, perhaps even at an unconscious level, so there is no natural space to join in on the conversation. You'd have to literally shoulder your way to make a space, which most people would never think of doing. Just like that you feel like the fifth wheel. You feel excluded.

What we actually feel is a type of social pain. From earlier research with animals, social pain is registered in the same structues of the brain that register physical pain.

So what's the fallout of feeling excluded?

A person can feel undervalued and not appreciated. He can feel invisible and feel his efforts go unrecognized. He will lose motivation and drive. He will begin to have self talk along the lines of, " What's the point? My efforts don't count anyways. Screw it!"

I work with teams to help them communicate better and to have better cohesion. One of the most comment grudges I hear is the feeling of being excluded. This happens quite often, but usually team leaders are not aware of it. That is, it was not a conscious action to exclude individuals.

Perhaps the leader was not aware of all the contributing factors that went into the success of a project. She only gave praise to the most obvious contributers. It's important that time is invested to learn about all those individuals that had an input and to give feedback when possible.

Social pain is just as real as physical pain. You may not have physically hit someone, but if you excluded someone it is a psychological hit that is registered in the same area of the brain as physical pain.









- On the road with my iPhone

We Are More - by Shane Koycyzan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

A Little Inspiration

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

Author Unknown

The Awakening (Author Unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Vancouver Olympics and Executive Coaching

The Vancouver Olympics are almost upon us and competition spirit is heating up. A good friend of mine, who happens to be fortunate enough to call Vancouver home, told me the other day that there is a visceral buzz in the air.

The field of executive and communication coaching has it's roots in traditional sports coaching and sports psychology.  I think it is important to go back to the roots of coaching, because so much can be gained both knowledge and skill wise.

This week I've chosen an interesting article from a great coach - Peter Jensen of Performance Coaching based in Toronto, Canada.

The link to original article is here.

Enjoy!

...What are the top three things you are doing to help athletes prepare for the Olympic Games in Vancouver?

My short answer to the question would be that it totally depends on the athlete, the position they are in, (in terms of expectation and world ranking) and their history with large international competitions. In working with figure skaters at past Olympic Games there was great variance in what the athletes needed given what they were facing. The pressure on Brian Orser in Calgary was oppressive and pervasive and so I worked very differently with him than I did, say, with Elizabeth Manley, who was under a less intense and public spotlight leading up to the Games.

At these Olympics I am working with women's hockey -- a team of 21 players and a staff of 12. In one sense it's very different to work with a team than with individuals. The needs of the team come first. A team is made up of individuals, however, so what I do depends on the needs of this particular team and what each individual is going to have to manage if she is to be most useful to the team. One of the most critical factors in being optimally useful is the perspective each individual brings to the team.

Controlling Perspective Feelings and thoughts precede all action. Therefore, how each individual performs on competition day, how she treats others on the team and how she reacts under pressure are all modulated by what she is thinking and feeling. Our perspective comes from the stories we tell ourselves and the images we run in our heads. And these stories and images do not just happen in the mind; they translate to the body and create sensations and physiological changes. You need only think of a pressure situation that you have been in to become aware that your internal dialogue and images create a physiology that may be inaccurate or distorted but nevertheless very real and influential on how you behave.

Imagine, for example, your young child is very late coming home from school. He hasn't called and you can't reach him. As you start to think about why he could be late, unpleasant scenarios enter your mind. As this happens your emotions and physiology will shift into a different state such as fear and/or anxiety. There may be no truth to what you are thinking. That is irrelevant. Your perspective determines how you will react. It is this internal reactivity that can distract, distort and modify the action we take and how well we perform. When pressure is applied, when the stakes are high, we can imagine all kinds of things -- good or bad -- about ourselves, our situation, the outcome. I teach the athletes to notice when they are not feeling "right" and to name what the source of their internal discomfort is. Once we can see it we can deal with it. I teach a powerful little skill called reframing that helps the performer shift focus back to thoughts and feelings that will help rather than hinder. And one of the first things an athlete has to determine is what is within their control and what isn't. Because if they get that wrong . . .

Energy Management The second area that we spend a fair amount of time working on is energy management. Learning to monitor and raise and lower your arousal level is critical to performing at high levels, not only in competition but also in practice. When arousal level gets too high our attentional focus starts to narrow. We have no control over this. Too narrow a focus can lead to mistakes -- what, in sport, is commonly called choking. Most of the time, especially at the Olympics, athletes need to be able to recognize when they are too high and lower their arousal level quickly and efficiently and get back on their game. One of the skills I have taught almost every athlete I've ever worked with is a breathing technique called centering.

Confidence Building The third area, which is very much connected to the first two, is confidence, self-esteem, belief in one's self. In the end no team or individual will go far without confidence. Learning to be supportive of yourself and others on a team, while holding each other accountable and pushing each other to be better, is of paramount importance to be successful. The closer to the day of the event the more important confidence becomes. In fact, it becomes one of the single most important factors right before the event. The very best coaches understand this and build confidence in their performers well before a major competition. Let's hope we have all done a good job of this for all Canadian athletes who will be in the 2010 Games!