How to Question in Coaching

The use of questions is the most effective tool in a coach's toolbox.

I like to use the analogy of the 'zoom' function, which you can find on any photo-editing program or on Google Earth, when describing the use of questions.

For example, a client might explain a situation in vague and general terms. I can then 'zoom-in' using questions to get him/her to be more specific and concrete. I can also use questions to 'zoom-out' to get a better understanding of how his/her explanation fits into the context of the bigger picture.

ZOOM-IN

When people describe a situation there is the natural tendency to use rather general terms. The reason for this is that they have personally experienced the situation and have had time to integrate that expereince into their map of the world.

An experience can always be broken down into smaller components. The person who has had the experience has had plenty of time to integrate it. He/she generally does not recall the specific components of that experience, and simply recalls it as one, indivisable event.

Zoom-in questions are important for bringing details into the light of day where they can be examined and probed. Below are some examples of questions for zooming-in:
• can you elaborate on...?
• what do you mean by...?
• can you be more specific about...?

ZOOM-OUT

There is also the tendency for people to get lost in details. They get their heads so buried in the specifics that they no longer have a clear perspective of the situation. This can happen when people are stressed (negatively), feel overwhelmed or lose the sense of control. Simply stated, they only see the individual grass blade and not the lawn.

Zoom-out questions are important in order to help people gain perspective. When a person is able to see the bigger picture it helps them to be more solution-focused than problem-focused.

Helping people gain a birds-eye perspective on their situation puts their problem into context. When they can see how their situation fits into the overall map, people gain back the feeling of being in control and having oversight. In turn, reducing the amount of negative stress.

Examples of zoom-out questions:
• can you put this into context for me?
• how does this situation sit in relation to...?
• how does this fit into what you previously described to me?

The quality of question you ask will determine the quality of answer you receive.

- On the road with my iPhone

How to Coach

New Years is fast approaching and so is the desire for people to make resolutions.  As we all know, most resolutions will never see the light of day.  Those of us who have the fortitude to follow through with the changes begin to see positive changes soon enough.

Studies show that those of us who have a friend who work along with us to fulfil a resolution often do so with a greater chance of success.  Not only do we have an internal promise with ourselves to make the healthy change, we also have an external promise to another that drives us forward.  It is that external commitment that is the catalyst for change.  People generally find it very difficult to break a promise they've made to a friend.

If you are that friend who is helping a buddy to fulfil a resolution, perhaps the following tips can help make the job a little easier.

There are two spectrums I'll focus on.  The first is the Asking/Telling spectrum.  Your job in helping a friend is to get them to think about and commit to the change they want to make.  You can simply tell them what to do, because you've been down that particular road and know what curves and bends to expect. 

Telling  someone what to do can help to some extent, but it is not very effective.  The reason is that you are advising an action from your perspective and experience of the world.  The person you are advising has neither your perspective nor your particular experience of the world.  They may heed your advise and get positive results, but it will never be as effective if the person makes their own connections. 

Instead of telling someone it is always wiser for you to ask.  That is, ask people questions.  Let them find their own answers.  If they make the connections themselves, the lessons learned will be intergrated at a much deeper level, which will also increase the likelihood that change will take hold. 

You may have deep knowledge and experience in a certain area where a friend wishes to make changes.  You will most likely know a brilliant short-cut to get him/her to where they want to go.  You could simply tell them, but asking them will be more lasting.  Your knowledge and experience is the road map and allows you to design specific questions to focus your friend's attention in the right direction.  As they answer your questions they are following the correct road map, but they are drawing a road map from their own perspective.  It's a map that makes sense to your friend and which is unique to him/her.

The second spectrum is the problem/solution.  The focus on both the problem and solution have their own roles, but caution is still warrented. 

Focusing on the problem is important to understand how it is influencing a person in the here and now.  Both you and your friend need to clarify what it is that is preventing or hindering any movement forward.  Where the caution is needed is not tripping into the pitfall of digging too deep into why the problem is there in the first place.  What's done is done.  There is no going back.  We can not change the past and so there is no use in dragging up old pains.  It serves no purpose.

Once you and your friend understand where he/she stands in the present, then the focus should targeted on finding a solution.  When people start to talk about possibilities and actionables, this is a very motivating force.  It gives people the sense that they have control and oversight. 

An important factor to remember is to help the person paint a vivid and detailed picture in their minds of the solution.  If a person can see it, they can do it.  The opposite is also true - if a person can't picture something they can't do it.  It is that simple.  So when you are asking questions, whiche focus on the solution, try to get your friend to picture his/her way forward.

Changing a Habit

It is Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning most of us will have some regrets with the amount we've ingested, but never fully digested. We look down to out waistline and feel the weight of the extra tire.

With a heavy sigh we promise ourselves that come New Years we are going to change our ways by changing and quitting certain habits. We earnestly give it our all. Motivation is in full gear and our determination has never been greater.

For most of us, by months end we are back where we originally started out - back with an old habit and it's consequences. We ask ourselves why is it so damn hard to change a habit?

Basically, our brains can be wired very easily to do most anything. When it comes to unwiring, that is where the conundrum lies. It is nearly impossible to unwire something. That is, it is highly unlikely you can change a habit.

A habit is based on a pattern that has been repeated time and again. The more it is used the deeper the pattern becomes entrenched in the brain. A good analogy is to think about the Colardo river that cuts and snakes it's way through the Grand Canyon. There is a pattern of flow that can not be easily erased. It is a permanent feature in the landscape, as is a habit is a permanent feature in the brain's landscape.

The best strategy to changing a habit is to simply begin developing a new one. After some time using the new habit it will become more and more dominant where eventually it will become the primary habit. Then the initial habit will simply fall by the way side due to lack of use.

- On the road with my iPhone

A Sense of Vulnerability

I find one of the most important attributes when working with a lteam is to build a sense of vulnerability. What I specifically mean is that a team creates a working atmosphere where they can open up and ask for help when it's needed or to share a mistake when it happens.

For most teams, especially corporate, this tends to be completly counter intuitive. We are hard-wired to make decisions to avoid pain rather than gain pleasure. So to ask a group to, for example, ask for help or additional resources can be a challenging step.

Once a team is able to establish an environment where they know they won't be attacked or ridiculed a deeper and stronger relationship is established. This is key to establing stronger communication and information flow amongst team members.

People get over the hurdle of interpersonal discomfort and can directly speak without the person feeling he/she is being attacked. (Interpersonal discomfort is that feeling you have when you would rather not have to have the difficult conversation with someone in fear you might hurt or spoil the relationship).

By establishing a working environment where vulnerability is encouraged, people are more willing to give each other corrective/supportive feedback, confront each other's ideas and opinions, ask for resources or help and so on.

It takes time to build, but the investment is well worth it. I've seen it pay off time and again.

- On the road with my iPhone

Never, ever advise!

'We see the world as we are, and not as the world is. ' - Anaïs Nin

I admit that the title of this entry is a little over the top. Advice does come in handy, but we need to think about how and when we give advice. You may be a parent, a leader, a coach, a friend and so on. Regardless or your role or roles, I think this short entry is useful.

I want you to imagine that you and your significant other decided it was time to upgrade your computers. You make a jaunt down to the local GeeksRus and purchase two computers. They are completely identical software and hardware wise.

After a few months of use you one day forget your pc at the office. You borrow your significant other's. You find after only a few seconds that you cannot make heads or tails of rhe pc in front of you. Nothing is where it should be. It all seems so disorganized to you, but it makes complete sense to her or him.

This is an analogy that describes how each of our brains are wired. From a distance they look identical, but upon closer inspection each brain is completely unique.

Each of us has our own set of experiences and lessons learned that are unique to us. This forms a kInd of mental map, which influences how we each perceive and interact with the world. How each of us stores, encodes, organizes these lessons and experiences are also as indiviual as we are.

When it comes to us advising another person as to how to accomplish or tackle a situation, we are advising them from our perspective of the world. We are not taking into account their map of the world.

This is where a shift in thinking is needed. We may know from experience the best way to overcome an obstacle that is proven time and again to be effective. What we have to remember that we've had time to integrate this method into our map of the world. Someone confronting the same obstacle may be doing so for the first time. They have no map.

If we want to help them, it is best for us to allow them to connect the dots. So instead of advising we can ask well-engineered questions to help direct their thinking in the right direction.

Questions allow for the person to make the logical connections, and thus integrate the information into their mental map. An 'aha' moment usually soon follows. They see the light.

Questions that flow from the well of experience and knowledge is so much more valuable to a learner than straight-forward advise that flows from the same well.

- On the road with my iPhone

Resistence to Change

'Every beginning is a consequence. Every beginning ends something.' -Paul Valéry

Everyone, even if they are standing dead-still, is moving forward. There is nothing that can retard or divert this momentum. This constant state of forward movement means that we are continually faced with change.

Think of change as riding a bicycle. If we want to stay on the bike we need to keep peddling and continually make adjustments to the steering to avoid bumps and pot-holes in the road.

Change is something that happens to all of us. It is as unavoidable as taking your next breath (assuming that you have the desire to live). Some changes are so subtle that they don't register on our mental radar. Other changes, as we perceive them, are considered significant. It is when we are faced with these types of changes that we can discover resistence.

When you actually take a moment and examine the resistance you find it has very little to so with the change itself. Rather, the resistance has more to do with letting things go. Our identities become intertwined with the familiarity of our surroundings. Removing aspects of our lives that are so familiar to us leaves us with a sense of loss and vulnerability.

It is not so much about embracing the new beginning as it is with dealing with an ending. Change itself is usually external, structural and relatively straight-forward. The difficulty lies more with the psychological transition that we have to make from the old to the new. The reason it is difficult is because the transition requires us to make a identity shift. It is so important to have closure before we can move on.

If you know someone who is going through change whether personally or professionally, the first step is to help them with letting go and to come to some sense of closure. The best way to do this is to communicate clearly what the problem is and why it is necessary to change.

- On the road with my iPhone