Finding Middle Ground

Every week I receive an email from the Crucial Conversations site that address different conversational challenges. This week the issue is to how to find middle ground where two sides are completely polarized.

Question

When I try to have crucial conversations about issues where there seems to be no middle ground (i.e., abortion, global warming, politics), people often respond with over-the-top, dismissive, and divisive statements. How can I effectively hold crucial conversations about high-stakes topics with those who engage in aggressive ways?

Signed,
Seeking Middle Ground

Dear Seeking,
Several years ago in London, I hailed a taxi for the 45-minute trip from Gatwick airport to my hotel. After I informed the driver of my destination, he turned back and said, "You have an American accent. Are you American?"

"Yes," I responded.

He then made a pretty bold generalization about the culture I came from.

It was late at night. I was a bit tired. I weighed my willingness to engage in an energetic conversation and as I considered ignoring the comment I thought, "I should be able to do this. I should be able to talk to someone with a strong opinion even if I don't fully agree."

As this challenge took shape in my mind, I found myself more interested in a dialogue. I had no intention of trying to change his mind, but I thought, "Here's a guy who wants to be heard. And if there's hope for the world it's only if people like him and me can disagree in a respectful way." With this moral mission in mind, I responded.

"Not too worried about your tip, I take it?" I said and smiled at his eyes in the mirror.

He broke into a broad grin, then continued, saying that he loved Americans, but again reiterated some strong generalizations.

His voice got louder and his face redder the more he spoke. I began to wonder if I should just nod and smile or if I should really engage. But I returned to my conviction that until we can find peaceful ways of disagreeing we have no hope of creating real peace in the world. At one point in what turned into a five-minute monologue I patted the back of his seat to interrupt him.

"Hey, my friend. May I ask you a question?"

He looked into the rear view mirror and paused. "Sure. This is your taxi at the moment."

"You know, I am from the U.S. and don't get as much contact as I'd like with people who have a whole different experience than I do. I am very interested in hearing your views. And I may agree with some of them but disagree with others. Are you interested in mine, too, or should I just hear you out?"

"Oh, no," he practically crooned. "I want a debate!"

"Okay, then how about this. You take the first five minutes and then I get the next five. At the end, I don't care if we both agree on everything or not, but I'm guessing we might both be a little smarter. How is that?"

He laughed heartily, turned to face me full on and said, "You are a strange man. But that is a deal."

I don't know that my taxi-driver friend ended up seeing the world any differently when we were done with that ride, but I did. Not that my opinions were profoundly altered, but they were tested in a way I was grateful for. Most importantly, I was encouraged to discover that dialogue was possible with someone who held strong views and who seemed initially uninterested in anything but a monologue.

This is what I've found to be helpful in such a controversial conversation:

1. Talk about how you'll talk. If you're having a one-sided conversation but would like a dialogue, and it's not going that way, stop the conversation and come to agreement about ground rules. You can do this in a very respectful way by letting the person know you are interested in their views and want to continue the conversation. Then ask for time boundaries, or lower volume, or whatever will help you engage in a healthier way.

2. Check your motives. Be sure your interest in the conversation is sincere. If you just want a chance to demonstrate the perfection of your own opinions, expect the same from the other person. Fair is fair. But if you want dialogue, be sure you are open to new information or perspectives. If you are sincerely interested in getting smarter not just looking smart, you'll behave in ways that will invite the same from the other person.

3. Encourage disagreement. We've learned a startling truth about dialogue. People are okay with you expressing even very strongly held views so long as you are equally genuine in your invitation of their disagreement. Before sharing your opinions, make a statement like, "You know, I've got a really strong opinion on this. I've thought a great deal about it and read pretty widely, and I'd like to tell you my view. But at the end, if you see holes in it, or if you have new information I don't have, I desperately hope you'll challenge me with it. I really want to learn from your view in any way I can." This sincere invitation takes the fighting wind out of others' sails. They realize they don't have to beat you over the head with their opinions because you're asking for them!

4. Never miss a chance to agree. Finally, don't go for efficiency. When we agree on 50 percent of a topic and disagree on 50 percent we tend to move quickly to the disagreements because those are what interest us most. And besides, life is short, so why not start with the fight, right? Wrong! If you want worthwhile dialogue, take the time to listen for points on which you agree. Point them out. Confirm them. Put them in the "Pool of Shared Meaning." Then—and only then—move to the areas of disagreement. When you do this you reaffirm that your goal is not to win, it's to learn.

I hope these modest ideas are useful to you as you engage with others. I truly believe the future of humanity lies in our capacity to develop mutual purpose and mutual respect across the planet—and that happens one crucial conversation at a time.

Thank you for your interest in advancing public discourse about our most crucial issues.

Pump It Up: Eleven Tips for Exercising Regularly

Exercise is one of the keys to happiness. Research shows that people who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, and have delayed onset of dementia. They get relief from anxiety and mild depression, comparable to medication and therapy. They perform better at work.

Also, although it’s tempting to flop down on the couch when you’re feeling exhausted, exercise is actually a great way to boost energy levels. Feeling tired is a reason to exercise, not a reason to skip exercise.

But even when you admit that you’d feel better if you exercised, it can be very hard to adopt the habit. My idea of fun has always been to lie in bed and read, preferably while also eating a snack, but I’ve managed to keep myself exercising by using all these tricks on myself:

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week. Along the same lines …

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. As the day wears on, you’ll find more excuses to skip exercising. Get it checked off your list, first thing.

3. Never skip exercising two days in a row. You can skip a day, but the next day, you must exercise, no matter how inconvenient.

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. My father always said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. Many times, by promising myself I could quit ten minutes after I’d started, I got myself to start—and then found that I didn’t want to quit, after all.

5. Think about context. I thought I disliked weight training, but in fact, I dislike the guys who hang out in the weight-training area. Are you distressed about the grubby showers in your gym? Do you try to run in the mornings, but recoil from going out in the cold? Examine the factors that might be discouraging you from exercising.

6. Exercise several times a week. If your idea of exercise is to join games of pick-up basketball, you should be playing practically every day. Twice a month isn’t enough.
7. If you don’t have time to both exercise and take a shower, find a way to exercise that doesn’t require you to shower afterward. Twice a week, I have a very challenging weight-training session, but the format I follow doesn’t make me sweat. (Some of you are saying, “It can’t be challenging if you don’t sweat!” Oh yes, believe me, it is.)

8. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer or more convenient gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer to keep track of your walking distances? Exercise is a high life priority, so this a worthwhile place to spend some money if that helps.

9. Think of exercise as part of your essential preparation for times you want to be in especially fine form—whether in performance (to be sharp for an important presentation) or appearance (to look good for a wedding) or mood (to deal with a stressful situation). Studies show that exercise does help.

10. Remember one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood, courtesy of Voltaire: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t decide it’s only worth exercising if you can run five miles or if you can bike for an hour. I have a friend who scorns exercise unless she’s training for a marathon—so she never exercises. Even going for a ten-minute walk is worthwhile. Do what you can.

11. Don’t kid yourself. Belonging to a gym doesn’t mean you go to the gym. Having been in shape in high school or college doesn’t mean you’re in shape now. Saying that you don’t have time to exercise doesn’t make it true.

People often ask me, “So if I want to be happier, what should I be doing?” and I always say, “The first thing to do is to make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep and plenty of exercise.”

I know that answer doesn’t sound properly transcendent and high-minded on the subject of happiness, but research shows that you’d be wise to start there. And I’ve found that if I’m feeling energetic and well rested, it’s much easier to follow all my other happiness-inducing resolutions.

Originally published on The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Sticky Teams

Any time you have two or more people who have to cooperate or work in some form or fashion, you are going to have natural drift that will arise in the relationship(s).

Picture for a moment a layer of sheet ice - a thin layer of ice that floats on water. Now, If you take a hammer to the sheet ice it will shatter into a number of pieces. The natural tendency of these individual pieces is to drift away from each other, unless concentrated effort is invested to hold them together in a cluster.

The sheet ice is a simple metaphor to illustrate the relations between people. If concentrated effort is not invested to hold the relationships together, people tend to drift from away from each other. This is true for families, sport teams, rock groups, corporate teams or just about any other type of group you can think of.

Think about your own history. There have been people in your life who were once very close, but have since drifted away. Perhaps you moved (or they) to a new company, a new city or a new country. Life moves on for all parties and everyone gets wrapped up in their own existences.

Then you will have other relationships that you have maintained and strengthened despite what has transpired over time. A concentrated effort has been invested to build and maintain strong bridges between the fragmented sheet ice.

It is not only physical distance (i.e. new company, city or country) that can be the cause of relation drift. The distance can also be mental. People may still be part of the same group, see each other everyday, and on paper are formerly regarded as a group. It's just that mentally they have distanced themselves from each other. In family groups the word 'estranged' is used. In corporate groups it is commonly known as 'silos'.

How does a group overcome this natural drift?

From my experience working with groups (mainly teams within organizations) I have found there are three key-elements required to keep groups intact, functioning and healthy.

1. The ability to build and maintain relationships.
2. Specific dialogue skill-sets.
3. Creating a space/venue/arena for safe and healthy interaction.

If you have all three elements in place and a concentrated effort is invested in maintaining and improving these elements, the result is team cohesiveness. What I like to call Sticky Teams.

The above three elements do not reqiuire a PhD in psychology. It just requires a little education and a whole lot of common sense. Most people have a least one strong working/professional relationship, which is a very good indication that they are applying the three elements of sticky teams/groups. The challenge is to repeat the behavior with those relationships that are important, but seem to be in drift.

In my following blog posts I will go into deeper details about each of these elements.

- On the road with my iPhone