Left Brain Talks To The Right Hand, Study Finds

Scientists believe hand gestures may have preceded speech.

Our ability to speak and communicate seems to have its origin in the unlikely pairing of the left brain and the right hand.

At least that's the conclusion of a team of French researchers who looked at how our brains process syllables, as well as mouth and hand movements.

And it supports the theory that human speech evolved from sounds and hand gestures.

The team followed the brain activity of 16 right-handed people while they rested or watched a video. When the people heard syllables, areas in the left side of the brain involved in speech fired neurons in time with areas involved in hand and mouth motions.

But when the subjects heard smaller units of speech, called phonemes, these two areas were not synchronized.

The finding, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests that our brains are hard-wired to process gestures and speech and language on the same side of the brain. For right-handed people, that's usually the left side.

It also supports the view that speech arose from a combination of short sounds and hand gestures that were intended to communicate something. Those gestures probably would have been carried out by the right hand, since that is usually the dominant hand.

There's lots of other evidence that gestures were involved in early language, says David Armstrong, who spent decades studying the origin of language before retiring from Gallaudet University, a university for the deaf and hard of hearing in Washington, D.C.

For example, he says, a modern hand capable of sign language seems to have appeared well before the modern vocal tract. [Copyright 2010 National Public Radio]


- On the road with my iPhone

Letting your mind wander is a major cause of unhappiness

People spend 46.9% of their waking lives thinking about something other than what they're actually doing. It's a terribly inefficient use of one's mind and, worse, it actually seems to make people unhappy.

Letting your mind wander might seem like a bad thing, but really it's just the natural byproduct of being capable of abstract thought. Humans are capable of thinking about things that have happened, things that might happen, and things that may never happen at all. (As a science fiction blog, we rather encourage doing that last part.) Sure, letting your mind wander is a good recipe for goofing off, but it's also a necessary part of contemplation and reflection.

The problem is, whether we're doing it for low or lofty reason, letting our minds wander actually seems to make us demonstrably less happy. So says a new study from Harvard researchers Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, in which they explain:

"A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.

"Mind-wandering appears ubiquitous across all activities. This study shows that our mental lives are pervaded, to a remarkable degree, by the non-present. Mind-wandering is an excellent predictor of people's happiness. In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged."

This may seem like a rather intangible area of study, but the researchers collected over 250,000 data points from 2,250 volunteers. The test subjects used a specially developed iPhone app that contacted them randomly to ask how happy there were feeling, what they were doing, whether they were thinking about what they were doing, and, if not, whether they were thinking about something pleasant instead. In order to more easily organize the data, subjects had to choose from twenty-two general activities, which could be anything from working to eating to walking to having sex. We can only hope the subjects weren't expected to respond immediately if they were prompted during that last one.

They discovered that our minds are wandering about 46.9 percent of the time in any given activity, and the mind-wandering rate was at least 30% for all but one activity. Thankfully, the only activity that generally got people's undivided attention was making love. That was also one of the activities that made people happiest, along with exercising and conversing with others. On average, the least happy activities were resting, working, and using a home computer (unless you're reading this site, of course).

Even more intriguingly, they discovered that people's feelings of happiness had much more to do with where their mind was than what they were doing. Only 4.6% of a person's happiness could be attributed to what they were doing, but 10.8% of it was caused by what they were thinking about at the time, and people consistently reported being happiest when their minds were on what they were doing.

And it does appear the mind-wandering is a cause, not just a correlation. The researchers did separate time-lag analyses that helped demonstrate people's mood was affected by their wandering mind, not the other way around. Of course, as the researchers note, this study is just confirming what many philosophies have been saying for millennia:

"Many philosophical and religious traditions teach that happiness is to be found by living in the moment, and practitioners are trained to resist mind wandering and to 'be here now.' These traditions suggest that a wandering mind is an unhappy mind."

[via Science]

Change Your Brain. Change Your Life.

 

To achieve a change your life you first have to change your brain, to change your thoughts and way of thinking. Few are those who have not thought at some point in their lives: «What should I do to change my life». For some this means relief from the «bad» habits such as smoking, alcohol or sweets; for others it is a job that has become intolerable, a weak relationship, something vague that does not meet their needs and sometimes their entire life seems to need a change. Anyone who has tried to change a habit knows that it is not easy. Any change in the way we live is an adventure that requires a lot of strength, patience and persistence. They key for changing your life is in your brain. Those who can manage to change their brain they will manage to change their life.

Every life change is a sacrifice

Each change in your life, even if you want to do it, is a sacrifice, a separation, something that you leave behind. Even if you want to change something that tortures you, that devastates you or something that does not make you feel good, it is a piece of yourself, it is familiar, known, accessible, enjoyable and perhaps something that you love. However, what usually happens is that you believe-or want-to-believe that changing your life is not difficult. That is paradoxical.

Even if our personal experience teach us differently, even if we have tried many times and we have not achieved the change in our life, we always stretch our ears and listen with great interest any advertising that promises to relieve us easily, quickly and painlessly from our bad habits, any story that tells dramatic changes: About someone who lost 20 pounds in one month, about a person who managed to stop smoking from one day to the next, about someone who resigned from his work and set up in little time his successful business, for someone who got divorced after difficult years of marriage and recently found the great love of his life. Encouraged from such striking examples, we put ourselves ambitious targets for the next week – month – season -year. But we often forget them after a few weeks and we end up with a bitter taste of failure that stays deep within us.



Is therefore any effort to change your life doomed to fail? Things are not quite so, although those who have given special focus on changing lifestyle and habits keep a very careful and cautious attitude. There are events in our lives, such as an illness, an accident, which are very strong and they force us to make large and real changes to our lives. But this is the exception. As confirmed by the statistics, 25% of all major “change your life” projects are abandoned on average after 15 weeks. Very few are those who can manage with little effort, from one day to another, to abandon the «bad» habits, addictions and unpleasant situations. For the majority in order to succeed in such a process they must first change their thoughts, their way of thinking. Changing your brain is the major step in the overall change life process. You may not be able to achieve this the first time. Most people pass the same test again and again. Around five to six times is the usual number of failures until «the final round».

To change your brain and your life you need a lot of effort and hard work. This is something we are not aware of when we are considering a change in our lives. This is natural. Who wants to be stressed? Who is willing to suffer deprivation, negative emotions, anxiety, distress, seeking something that is supposed to be better? Even if we can imagine, hear, or hope that the change will be to our benefit, it does not cease to be something vague and uncertain.

The high expectations

The main reason why efforts to change your brain – change your life fail, according to experts is due to the “the false hope syndrome”. Usually people set high standards and have high expectations and the end result makes them think that they failed. For example «I lost only 17 pounds, and I intended to lose 25, I failed». In other cases we want to change many things simultaneously: «I took the decision to start a diet and quit smoking during the next vacation». There are also cases that we believe that a change will change our whole life, will do it better (“I will lose weight, and I will certainly find the love of my life”).

These high expectations do not allow us to be happy and enjoy the small successes and pleasures of life. It’s all in our brain. Instead of being disappointed and filling your brain with negative thoughts you should try and change your brain to use these little things to reward yourself, to take courage and continue. When we see that our dreams are not full field, then we are disappointed and abandon our efforts returning back to our old habits. And even though, the success stories about “life changes” are rare in real life, many people manage to do it. Is there a secret prescription that some people know and they succeed but others don’t?

Change your brain – Change your life – a process that takes time…

To be able to change your life you need to first realize that success and long-term change is a process that requires a lot of time and it is done in phases. This is the outcome of research by doctors and psychologists who researched the issue, particularly with people who wanted to change habits such as smoking, high alcohol consumption, poor diet and sedentary lifestyle. Anyone who really wants to change something has to be armed with patience and perseverance and not looking for easy solutions. They key is changing your brain, your way of approaching life. There are no miracle pills or programs, but some internal processes that you must follow in order to reach the desired result.

Refusal. People in this phase believe that they are fine; while everyone around them sees that there is a problem. This may be due to genuine ignorance, if for example they do not realise how damaging is their attitude, or reaction, when others become pressing.

Awareness. People who are at this stage know they have problems and that they should do something to change their lives. They are still far from being really active. They weight the pros and cons of a change, and usually, at this stage they still find that the disadvantages from a life change are more than the advantages: «If I quit smoking, I will get fat», «if I divorce now, I won’t be able to cope financially». It is a difficult period because, while they feel the desire and the need for change, they feel unable to do so.

Preparation. This stage differs from the previous one is two main areas: The person is giving more attention on the solution of the problem and less attention to the problem as such, it is considering the future more than the past. It starts to think about the steps to follow for a real life change. For example, following a diet, which can be used with out disturbing the rest of the family meal, analyzing the advices for quitting smoking and creating an action plan to quit.

At this stage it is important to give your self as many incentives as possible. Be very specific; imagine the benefits you will receive. The stage hides a danger: the euphoria of preparation can lead to the real change been forgotten. Be careful, make sure that your brain remains active and always try to think how you can achieve the change in your life practically not only theoretically.

Action Plan and perseverance

To make the next step from the pleasant stage of preparation to actually making a change, it is necessary to have a precise «action plan». The more well-thought and researched plan the greater is the chances of success. It is therefore very important to have a good preparation before entering the actual stage where you will implement the change in your life.

The next stage is that of resistance and perseverance. The main difficulty is the pressure from other people, the stability of our appreciation and of course the anxiety and stress that emotionally are forcing us to go back to the old, familiar life. These are all unavoidable, so one should not feel frustrated and give up if there are a few drawbacks in the change process. Changing your brain is not an easy process, most people do not succeed at first, but they succeed after 4-5 failed attempts.

The last stage is that of stabilization, which for many people is a way of life. The change in our habits, our self is a process that may never end permanently. Alcoholics for example must avoid alcohol for a lifetime, if they do not want to start drinking again. What is certain, at whatever stage you manage to get, is that change is a difficult adventure, during which you leave something known for something unknown; you meteor between two situations, and this should make you tender and lenient with yourself.

Be optimistic that you will be able to change your life

You need to make the extra effort and change your brain -your perception- about yourself and imagine yourself as a successful person. How to be successful is about keeping this strong image in your brain, and do not allow it to fade. Over time, this perception will evolve in your brain and will be stimulated.

Do not try to challenge the reality of this intellectual image because it will be dangerous. Your brain will also try to fill in the gaps. Always have in your brain the image of success regardless of any drawbacks or unfortunate events.

Each time that a negative thought concerning your powers and abilities invades your brain, try to change your thoughts and bring to your mind something positive.

Fight and overcome your fears

When building the image of success in your brain do not take into account any possible obstacles, instead try to minimize them. Any difficulties must be analyzed be treated efficiently and eliminated. Try not giving them more power and meaning than they really have. Often fear exaggerates the difficulties and «hides» their true dimension.

Visualize your success

Think of your brain as an image playback unit. These images are generated from your thoughts. They either give us hope, power and creativity or they make us frighten and reluctant to make the next big step and change our lives.

When you are thinking negatively, your brain will create negative thoughts and you will end up with negative reactions. The opposite is the effect of positive thinking and positive thoughts. Positive thinking stimulates our brain to produce positive thoughts and images. To start thinking positive you have to create these positive images in your brain and take advantage of the inspiration and creativity they will create.

Nobody is perfect

This is one of the most important advices. Do not be impressed by other people and certainly do not try to copy them. The only one that can be effective in your life is yourself. Have in mind that that irrespective of how dynamic and successful some people look, they for sure have the same lack of self-confidence and fear as you do.

Analyze your thoughts

Analyse your thoughts. Find out what is causing you the feelings of inferiority and fear. It is possible that these feelings of inferiority have their roots from childhood. In such case it is better to get professional advice from a specialist in order to understand why you feel and behave in a particular way. To change your brain you first need to change your thoughts.

Believe in your skills

Try to understand your skills and things that you are good at and then increase that by 10%. This does not imply that you will become selfish. Instead, you must believe in your own forces and ways in order to be able to change your life. Only when you believe in your self you will be able to change your brain and your life.

Adopt a positive way of thinking

The first step is to change your brain and start thinking positive. The second step is to translate these positive thoughts into creative thinking. Positive thinking alone will not help you, creative thinking will. Creative thinking is about planning and setting goals for the present and future. You can start from simple hacks, everyday things that are part of your daily schedule. Doing this will help you get organised not only physically but also mentally and will let you eventually meet your goals.

Allocate some time for your own personal development

Get active and start transforming your thoughts into actions. Allocate some time from your busy daily schedule for your own self-improvement. Try and find ways to simplify and facilitate your daily obligations, which would result in savings of your valuable time that is needed for your personal development. Give priority in solving the problems of everyday life and then use your creativity and energy to change your life. Focus first on your personal relationships both in your work, family and friends.

Start dreaming about your new life

The power of the brain is enormous. With dreaming alone it can magically take you to places that can make you happy. Use this power of your brain to relax and get inspired for your new life.  Do not stop dreaming!

Start dreaming about what you would like to achieve in your life, your relationships and your career. Think about it intensely with as many details as you can. This process will make you feel better and will give you the incentives to reach your goals. Try and do this every day thinking and dreaming, again and again and again!

So, it should be clear by now that if you can change your brain you can change your life. Get rid of the fears, the negative thoughts. Turn your possible failures into success and boost your self-confidence. Make your negative thoughts positive and your will also be more acceptable in your environment. Take control of your brain today and eventually you will be able to change your life, and live the life that you dreamed about for so long. Fight all the evil thoughts from their root and stop them from reaching the surface.


Changing your life is in your hands…or rather is in your brain!

Contribution from the blog:

Change Your Life Hacks

Simple Hacks that can Change Your Life

Status: a more accurate way of understanding self-esteem.

Recently, I was in Singapore attending the Asian-Pacific Coaching Conference.  One of the workshops I attended was about the growing field of neuroscience.  The work presented is from David Rock and his book Your Brain At Work.  After voraciously reading this book, I jumped onto Mr. Rock's blog and found some insightful pieces.

What follows is an entry from Mr. Rock's blog.  Enjoy!

Status: a more accurate way of understanding self-esteem.

As well as sometimes taking on a life of its own, the other trouble with status threats is how easily they can occur, generating a strong threat even in minor situations. Say you are at a meeting with a colleague, and for the first time in your working relationship, he asks to follow up with you about a project. It's likely you will interpret his request as a threat to your status: Doesn't he trust you? Is he checking up on you? Your threat response could make you say something harmful to your career.

Remember that the limbic system once aroused makes accidental connections and thinks pessimistically. Just speaking to your boss arouses a threat. If you manage someone, just asking how his or her day is going can carry more emotional weight than one might think. I propose that many of the arguments and conflicts at work, and in life, have status issues at their core. The more you can label status threats as they occur, in real time, the easier it will be to respond more appropriately.

On the way up

I interviewed an international ballet dancer who used to be a member of the London Royal Ballet. She told me how she was often bored and frustrated as one of many dancers, even though she was in a world-class troupe. That all changed when she moved to a smaller, less known, troupe in her home city, but now was the leading soloist. She explained, "Finally I am the highest paid dancer in the company. I am the one at the front of the room. The minute you're at the front of the room, there's no boredom at all. The focus is on you, the space is your space, you feel at the top."

Studies of primate communities show that higher status monkeys have reduced day-to-day cortisol levels, are healthier, and live longer. This isn't just monkey business (sorry for the pun.) There is an entire book, The Status Syndrome by Michael Marmot, illustrating that status is a significant determinant of human longevity, even controlling for education and income. High status doesn't just feel good. It brings along very real rewards, too.

Status is rewarding not just when you have achieved high status, but also anytime you feel like your status has increased, even in a small way. One study showed that saying to kids "good job" in a monotonous recorded voice activated the reward circuitry in kids as much as a financial windfall. Even little status increases, like beating someone at a card game, feel great. We're wired to feel rewarded by just about any incremental increase in status. Many of the world's great narratives (and some of our not so great television franchises) have status at their core, based on two recurring themes. These stories involve either ordinary people doing extraordinary things (giving you hope you could have higher status one day) or extraordinary people doing ordinary things (giving you hope that even though may be ordinary, you are basically the same as people with high status.) Even an increase in hope that your status might go up one day seems to pack a reward.

An increase in status is one of the world's greatest feelings. Dopamine and serotonin levels go up, linked to feeling happier, and cortisol levels go down, a marker of lower stress. Testosterone levels go up too. Testosterone helps people focus, feel strong and confident, and even improves sex drive. With more dopamine and other "happy" neurochemicals, an increase in status increases the number of new connections made per hour in the brain. This means that a feeling of high status helps you process more information, including more subtle ideas, with less effort. With the reduced threat response, you are more able to think on multiple levels at once.

People with higher status are better able to follow through with their intentions more-they have more control, more support, and more attention from others. Being in a high-status state helps you make the connections that your brain expects to make, which puts you in an upward spiral toward even more positive neurochemistry. This may well be the neurochemistry of "getting on a roll."

Getting and staying on a high

You can elevate your status by finding a way to feel smarter / funnier / healthier / richer / more righteous / more organized / fitter / stronger or by beating other people at just about anything at all. The key is to find a "niche" where you feel you are "above" others.

If you video recorded a standard weekly team meeting in most organizations, you might find that a large percentage of the words spoken every are intended to edge an individual's status higher, or edge other people's status lower. This bickering, the corporate equivalent of sibling rivalry, largely happens unconsciously and wastes the cognitive resources of billions of people.

The ongoing fight for status has other downsides. While competition can make people focus, there's will always be losers in a status war. It's a zero sum game. If everyone is fighting for high status, they are likely to feel competitive, to see the other person as a threat.

If you want to have a potentially threatening conversation with someone, try talking down your own performance to help put the other person at ease. Another strategy for managing status is to help someone else feel that his or her status has gone up. Giving people positive feedback, pointing out what they do well, gives others a sense of increasing status, especially when done publicly. The trouble is, giving others people positive feedback may feel like a threat, because of a sense of a relative change in status. This may explain why, despite employees universally asking for more positive feedback, employers seem to prefer the "deficit model", pointing out people's faults and performance gaps, over a strengths-based approach.

These two strategies-putting your status down and others' up-only help other people with their status, and may actually threaten yours. So where can you get a nice burst of confidence-inducing, intelligence-boosting, performance-raising status around here, without harming children, animals, work colleagues or yourself?

Getting a status-rush without harming others' status

There's only one good (non-pharmaceutical) answer that I can find so far. It involves the idea of "playing against yourself." Why does improving your golf handicap feel so good? Because you raise your status against someone else, someone you know well. That someone is your former self. "Your sense of self comes online around the same time in life when you have sense of others. They are two sides of same coin," Marco Iacoboni explains. Thinking about yourself and thinking about others use the same circuits. You can harness the power of the thrill of "beating the other guy" by making that other guy (or girl) you, without hurting anyone in the process. To play against yourself gives you the chance to feel ever-increasing status, without threatening others. I have a hunch that many successful people have worked all this out and play against themselves a lot.

In summary - I think it's time we rethink self-esteem. Status appears to be a more accurate way of thinking about what self esteem is really about. It's a highly dynamic issue. By rethinking self-esteem we can create more accurate ways of intervening with those struggling with low status, like changing one's environment, or finding domains of life where one can experience higher status, or learning to play against yourself.

Cofronting Bad Behavior

Dear Crucial Skills,
 
I am having problems at family mealtimes. My husband's table manners are not good—he eats like a hungry animal and spoils the dining experience. I have done my best to ignore his behavior over the years, but my teenage daughter is upset by it and I think his manners are getting worse.

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

I read your question at the end of my workday, so it was on my mind when I sat down to dinner with my wife. I can be guilty of poor table manners—eating too quickly, taking large mouthfuls, and talking while I chew. And I don't always react well to being reminded about my table manners. After all, it's not like I'm spilling food on the floor or eating with my hands.
I see three challenges in this conversation. First, you don't want your husband to feel attacked or disrespected. That's not your goal, and it would provoke defensiveness. Second, you're dealing with an entrenched habit that will take some time and attention to change. It won't be a single conversation. And third, because your husband will need reminders, you run the risk of coming across as a nag. Somehow you need your husband to take responsibility for making the change.

Find mutual purpose. Before the discussion, consider your mutual purpose. What purpose does your husband share for making the change? What goal does your husband have that his eating habits are impeding or thwarting? For example, many couples see family meals as opportunities to communicate and connect. Do you and your husband share this goal?
In addition, your husband may have other goals that are thwarted by a slow dinner. Maybe he is rushing to get to an activity. Or maybe the current dinner conversations are less about communication and connection than about tasks and assignments. Are there ways to make family dinners more convenient and pleasurable?

Describe the gap. Start by explaining your positive intentions, and then describe what you expect and the behaviors you are observing. Avoid inflammatory language, e.g., "You eat like a hungry animal."
Here is an example: "I'd like to see if we can use our family dinners to connect more as a family, especially with our daughter. Is it okay if I share some specifics that I think would help?" Give your husband a chance to respond here. You want to create safety so he won't feel attacked.
Be ready to present your issue. For example, "I have noticed that you eat very fast, making dinner time feel more like a race than a time to be together. I'd like us to spend more time together over meals, and to include more conversation. Are you aware of how fast you eat?" Again, give your husband time to respond. Listen to his perspective, but don't lose track of the issue you want to address.
Be ready to respond and reinforce the behavior you want to change. For example, "I would like you to slow down when you eat and help all of us take advantage of the time we have together."
Check with your daughter before you bring her into this discussion. Make sure you aren't hiding behind your daughter—that you present this issue as your concern. But also, don't keep your daughter's concerns a secret from your husband. Every father has a right to know when he's spoiling a relationship with one of his children.

Get his buy-in on the broad issue, and then ask for permission to remind him. Our eating habits are both personal and tough to change. We've practiced them so often that they've become a part of our automatic pilot. Even when we want to change, we fail to notice when we slip into our old ways. Ask your husband whether it's okay to remind him when you see him slip, and together develop a cue that won't be embarrassing. For example, you might use a question like, "What was the high point of your day?"

Actually remind him. It's inevitable your husband will slip, and exhibit his bad table manners. Let's suppose you see him take a giant bite out of a pork chop, argue a point while balancing a meatball on his tongue, or pick his back molars with his index finger. Use your cue, and, if necessary, talk to him later in private. Remind yourself that when your husband slips, it's not because he doesn't care. It takes time to change long-standing habits.

Focus on a positive vital behavior. If you determine that one of the purposes for having your husband eat slower is to improve family connections during meals, then you can take some positive steps that will help promote the kind of exchange you desire.
I'll share one strategy you can use to promote dialogue among all parties at the table. I learned it from Al Switzler, my VitalSmarts colleague. It's a game that's designed to build and practice conversational skills.

Having a conversation is like playing tennis. One person serves up the topic, and then you both volley the conversation back and forth. The goal is to keep the conversation in play. If I serve up the topic, then your role is to respond to my volley in a way the keeps the conversation alive. After a while we switch servers, so the other person has to come up with topics to discuss.
Imagine that you, your husband, and your daughter practiced this conversation game for at least part of your dinner meal. It's incompatible with speed eating, and it contributes to your long-term mutual purpose. Try to have your husband, not you, take the lead on explaining and initiating this kind of activity.

Finally, be patient, and put this problem into its proper perspective. Many habits are much worse than bad table manners, but few are harder to change.

Having a difficult conversation.

Many of us in our personal or professional lives have avoided crucial conversations, not just over weeks and months, but sometimes over years or even decades. How do we even begin to strategize about conversations that have been on the back burner for this long?

I am inspired to see someone who has disempowered themselves for years finally own their agency. I think all of us are challenged to examine and improve ourselves when we see someone take such an enormous step. I salute you for taking this step yourself.

There are two fundamental principles you must not violate if you decide to finally step up to a crucial conversation after a long period of silence.

First, given that you have enabled the bad behavior of the other person for so long, you owe them some patience as you announce your intention to discontinue your willing submission of unacceptable circumstances.

Now, in saying this, let me be clear that I am absolutely not suggesting you tolerate abuse, malfeasance, or the ill effects of incompetence one second longer than today. I am simply suggesting that your enduring collusion in shaping the other person's bad behavior places a responsibility on you to be understanding if they take some time to disentangle from this long practice.

For example, let's say I've had a boss who has frequently been dishonest about expectations. He hypes the possibility of future raises, promotions, or opportunities in order to keep me motivated then appears to do little to make them happen. In the end, he's always got an excuse and another fair promise for the future.

For years, I have simply grumbled under my breath or gossiped to others about his manipulative ways but never taken responsibility to either require other behavior from him or quit the relationship. As a recent Crucial Conversations grad I've decided to candidly express my concerns.

What I'm suggesting here is that while the crucial conversation may go well, you'd be foolish to lay down ultimatums expecting that his deeply entrenched behaviors may change instantly. My goal in the conversation should be to a) agree on ground rules—how he will and won't treat me in the future; and b) agree on how I'll respond if he transgresses these agreements. It is part "b" that acknowledges that you're going to give him some time to adapt to the new reality, but also that you'll hold him accountable. If your goal in the crucial conversation is to get him to stop immediately and never fall back into old ways, you are failing to give him the same allowance you had in bringing about your own change. You took years to adapt. Giving him a few weeks is only fair.

The second principle helps you Make It Safe while also Mastering Your Story in how you feel toward him. This is a principle of ownership. You must own the fact that the bad situation is not just about him, it's also about you. As you begin the conversation, make it clear that there is a pattern the two of you have been involved in that you are committed to changing. Don't blame him exclusively—own up to the fact that you've enabled it.

For example, you might begin, "I'd like to discuss something I'm embarrassed to admit I've been doing for many years. It's been wrong of me to not speak up about it in the past but I've decided to do so now. I've blamed you for many years for it going on, and that has been unfair. I've been a part of the problem, and I don't want to do that anymore. May I discuss this with you?"

Whether or not these are the perfect words, what I'm suggesting is that your "story" needs to be one that stops painting you as a victim and him as the villain. You need to take ownership. This will help you approach him as a reasonable, rational and decent person—someone kind of like you. In addition, you'll Make It Safe for him because you're approaching him as a normal, fallible human being, rather than as a reprobate villain. You're approaching him with the utmost confidence that he, like you, can change. That expression of confidence is an enormous show of respect.

Now with all that said, you should expect him to go through a period of defensiveness. The first conversation may be confusing, upsetting, and provocative to him. If this is the case, don't go in with the goal of solving it in one sitting but rather to open up the issue. Ask if you could just tee it up and then allow him to reflect on it and get together after a few days when he has collected his thoughts. It's only fair—you had years to get ready to talk, you should allow him some time to adapt to the new reality as well.

With all that said, let me conclude that by no means am I suggesting that if you are being hurt physically or emotionally, or if others are being damaged by the other person's actions, you should allow this to continue one day longer. In these instances you have an obligation to take a hard stand on what must happen now, while allowing for patience and adjustment in areas where you owe the person the same season for change that life has allowed you.

Thanks for your inspiring question—and best wishes as you change your world—and hopefully, that of others.

8 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 22

When I was 22, I wouldn’t have listened to my old curmudgeonly self. I would have said, “You don’t get it”, then put my headphones back on and headed over the Haymarket. I might have written about it on my blog over at TheGlobe.com (remember that site?) under my pen name ‘nehalennia’. 1999 was a great year, and I was going to make a million trillion dollars working teh internets. Instead I got laid off from my dot com job and ran into the warm embrace of reliable employment. So despite the fact that I wouldn’t have taken my own advice, here are 8 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 22:

1. Pick a career you love; you don’t have to give into the pressure to be practical. Everyone changes careers over their lifetime; why not experiment with one that you are crazy about? Worst case scenario, you go get that crappy corporate job when you’re 28 and let the cool waters of 9-5ing wash away any memories of your failed Falafel-R-Us Gift Basket business.

2. Pay off your credit card debt and don’t buy so much stuff. Does every college do this? Offer credit cards at the student union, and in exchange for filling out an application, they gift you a candy bar? I was hungry! I was broke! Sign me up! Thankfully I was so thoroughly burned the first time, I learned my lesson.

3. Your student loans can be deferred practically indefinitely. After graduation, just call them and ask for a deferment. They will bend over backwards to make deferring easy to do. In six months when your deferment is over, call them up and do another. Repeat as needed.

4. It doesn’t cost as much as you’d think to travel. You don’t need to save $50,000 to spend a year overseas. If you’re young, willing to sleep anywhere (hello, couchsurfing!) and go to countries off the beaten tourist track, then you can survive on much less (I’ve heard as low as $1000/mo).

5. The job you have right now is not that important. If I were an employer I would only hire ambitious twenty something’s. They will knock themselves out working incredibly hard on stuff that barely matters. Try to get a 35 year old to take photocopying that seriously and you’re more likely to get your dog to iron your suit in the morning.

6. You don’t need a safety net. You can figure this out. The idea of being out there, with nothing to catch you if everything goes wrong may make your stomach do little flips, but really, you’ll be just fine.

7. This is the best time in your life to travel carefree. If you wait it’s going to be more complicated financially and emotionally. Now instead of putting on a backpack and heading out the door, I’ve got to cancel leases, forward mail, set up online payment arrangements, sell a ton of stuff, convince my family that I don’t need an MRI “just in case this idea is a sympton of a brain tumor”, and wrangle with complex stuff like dodging the “when are you going to have kids” question.

8. Did you read #7? Go Travel Now!

Great article from www.almostfearless.com.

How to Banish Bad Habits and Control Temptations

Everyday people are trying to stop one bad behavior or another. I thunk most of us have personal experience as to how difficult it can be.

PsyBlog has articulated this challenge in an excellent blog entry, which has been duplicated here. The original article can be found at www.psyblog.com. Enjoy!


Anyone who has ever found themselves trying to turn on the bathroom light seconds after phoning the power company to ask how long the power cut will last, knows how easily habits bypass our conscious thought processes.

Part of the reason habits are so difficult to change is they are triggered unconsciously, often by situations we've encountered time and time again. Before going into the bathroom: turn on the light. After getting new email: waste 10 minutes aimlessly surfing the web.

Temptations, on the other hand, play more on visceral factors like hunger, sex or thirst. We see a muffin and can't resist.

New research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by Quinn et al. (2010) suggests a different strategy for changing a bad habit than for resisting a temptation.

"Don't do it!"

First, though, the researchers wanted to find out what habit-control strategies people use in everyday life. Ninety-nine students kept diaries of their battles with bad habits and temptations. Over 7 or 14 days they recorded each time they felt like giving in to a temptation or a bad habit they were trying to get rid of.

Top of the list for unwanted activities were excess sleeping, eating and procrastination (no big surprises there in a sample of students). The top strategies to combat these were:

Vigilant monitoring: watching out for slip-ups and saying "Don't do it!" to yourself.
Distraction: trying to think about something else.
Stimulus control: removing the opportunity to perform the habit, say by leaving the bar, fast-food restaurant or electronics store.

For strong habits it was the vigilant monitoring that emerged from self-reports as the most useful strategy, with distraction in second place. While for strong temptations rather than habits, participants reported that stimulus control was the most effective strategy while monitoring dropped to third place behind distraction.

For both weak habits and weak temptations the strategy used mattered less, although for weak temptations the monitoring strategy emerged as the best.

How to defy a bad habit

As you'll be gathering from reading PsyBlog, though, psychologists are suspicious of what people say. Instead they like experiments to see what people do. So, in a second study they used a lab-based analogue of real life, to see if vigilant monitoring really is an effective strategy for controlling strong habits.

Sixty-five participants learned one response to a word, then in a second study had to change this response in defiance of the habit they'd built up.

Backing up the first study, the experiment found that vigilant monitoring was the most successful short-term strategy for suppressing a strong habit. Once again for weak habits the type of strategy used made little difference.

Habits versus temptations

So, why does vigilant monitoring work for habits but not for temptations? Quinn et al. argue that it doesn't work for temptations because watching out for slip-ups heightens our attention to the temptation which we are, ironically, once again tempted by. Stimulus control, though removes the opportunity: out of sight, out of mind.

Unlike temptations, habits are learnt by repetition and so they can sneak in under the radar. We find ourselves repeating them without thinking. Vigilant monitoring probably works because it helps us notice the habit and remember that we wanted to change it.

The bad news

But, as anyone who has ever tried to change a long-held habit will know, continually monitoring for bad habits is tiring and some days your self-control is weaker than others.

This isn't helped by what are known as 'ironic processes of control' which I cover in my series '10 more brilliant social psychology studies'. This is the idea that monitoring a thought in the hope of getting rid of it only makes that thought come back stronger.

In the long-term it may be necessary to try and replace the old habit with a new one. Unfortunately this new habit is likely to be much more unstable than the old one.

I'd like to leave you with better news but sometimes it's good to know the worst. We are often slaves to our habits and many of these habits are extremely hard to change because they are triggered outside our conscious awareness. Anyone who tells you different is either lying to themselves or trying to sell you a quick-fix that probably won't work.

- On the road with my iPhone

Finding Middle Ground

Every week I receive an email from the Crucial Conversations site that address different conversational challenges. This week the issue is to how to find middle ground where two sides are completely polarized.

Question

When I try to have crucial conversations about issues where there seems to be no middle ground (i.e., abortion, global warming, politics), people often respond with over-the-top, dismissive, and divisive statements. How can I effectively hold crucial conversations about high-stakes topics with those who engage in aggressive ways?

Signed,
Seeking Middle Ground

Dear Seeking,
Several years ago in London, I hailed a taxi for the 45-minute trip from Gatwick airport to my hotel. After I informed the driver of my destination, he turned back and said, "You have an American accent. Are you American?"

"Yes," I responded.

He then made a pretty bold generalization about the culture I came from.

It was late at night. I was a bit tired. I weighed my willingness to engage in an energetic conversation and as I considered ignoring the comment I thought, "I should be able to do this. I should be able to talk to someone with a strong opinion even if I don't fully agree."

As this challenge took shape in my mind, I found myself more interested in a dialogue. I had no intention of trying to change his mind, but I thought, "Here's a guy who wants to be heard. And if there's hope for the world it's only if people like him and me can disagree in a respectful way." With this moral mission in mind, I responded.

"Not too worried about your tip, I take it?" I said and smiled at his eyes in the mirror.

He broke into a broad grin, then continued, saying that he loved Americans, but again reiterated some strong generalizations.

His voice got louder and his face redder the more he spoke. I began to wonder if I should just nod and smile or if I should really engage. But I returned to my conviction that until we can find peaceful ways of disagreeing we have no hope of creating real peace in the world. At one point in what turned into a five-minute monologue I patted the back of his seat to interrupt him.

"Hey, my friend. May I ask you a question?"

He looked into the rear view mirror and paused. "Sure. This is your taxi at the moment."

"You know, I am from the U.S. and don't get as much contact as I'd like with people who have a whole different experience than I do. I am very interested in hearing your views. And I may agree with some of them but disagree with others. Are you interested in mine, too, or should I just hear you out?"

"Oh, no," he practically crooned. "I want a debate!"

"Okay, then how about this. You take the first five minutes and then I get the next five. At the end, I don't care if we both agree on everything or not, but I'm guessing we might both be a little smarter. How is that?"

He laughed heartily, turned to face me full on and said, "You are a strange man. But that is a deal."

I don't know that my taxi-driver friend ended up seeing the world any differently when we were done with that ride, but I did. Not that my opinions were profoundly altered, but they were tested in a way I was grateful for. Most importantly, I was encouraged to discover that dialogue was possible with someone who held strong views and who seemed initially uninterested in anything but a monologue.

This is what I've found to be helpful in such a controversial conversation:

1. Talk about how you'll talk. If you're having a one-sided conversation but would like a dialogue, and it's not going that way, stop the conversation and come to agreement about ground rules. You can do this in a very respectful way by letting the person know you are interested in their views and want to continue the conversation. Then ask for time boundaries, or lower volume, or whatever will help you engage in a healthier way.

2. Check your motives. Be sure your interest in the conversation is sincere. If you just want a chance to demonstrate the perfection of your own opinions, expect the same from the other person. Fair is fair. But if you want dialogue, be sure you are open to new information or perspectives. If you are sincerely interested in getting smarter not just looking smart, you'll behave in ways that will invite the same from the other person.

3. Encourage disagreement. We've learned a startling truth about dialogue. People are okay with you expressing even very strongly held views so long as you are equally genuine in your invitation of their disagreement. Before sharing your opinions, make a statement like, "You know, I've got a really strong opinion on this. I've thought a great deal about it and read pretty widely, and I'd like to tell you my view. But at the end, if you see holes in it, or if you have new information I don't have, I desperately hope you'll challenge me with it. I really want to learn from your view in any way I can." This sincere invitation takes the fighting wind out of others' sails. They realize they don't have to beat you over the head with their opinions because you're asking for them!

4. Never miss a chance to agree. Finally, don't go for efficiency. When we agree on 50 percent of a topic and disagree on 50 percent we tend to move quickly to the disagreements because those are what interest us most. And besides, life is short, so why not start with the fight, right? Wrong! If you want worthwhile dialogue, take the time to listen for points on which you agree. Point them out. Confirm them. Put them in the "Pool of Shared Meaning." Then—and only then—move to the areas of disagreement. When you do this you reaffirm that your goal is not to win, it's to learn.

I hope these modest ideas are useful to you as you engage with others. I truly believe the future of humanity lies in our capacity to develop mutual purpose and mutual respect across the planet—and that happens one crucial conversation at a time.

Thank you for your interest in advancing public discourse about our most crucial issues.

Pump It Up: Eleven Tips for Exercising Regularly

Exercise is one of the keys to happiness. Research shows that people who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, and have delayed onset of dementia. They get relief from anxiety and mild depression, comparable to medication and therapy. They perform better at work.

Also, although it’s tempting to flop down on the couch when you’re feeling exhausted, exercise is actually a great way to boost energy levels. Feeling tired is a reason to exercise, not a reason to skip exercise.

But even when you admit that you’d feel better if you exercised, it can be very hard to adopt the habit. My idea of fun has always been to lie in bed and read, preferably while also eating a snack, but I’ve managed to keep myself exercising by using all these tricks on myself:

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week. Along the same lines …

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. As the day wears on, you’ll find more excuses to skip exercising. Get it checked off your list, first thing.

3. Never skip exercising two days in a row. You can skip a day, but the next day, you must exercise, no matter how inconvenient.

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. My father always said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. Many times, by promising myself I could quit ten minutes after I’d started, I got myself to start—and then found that I didn’t want to quit, after all.

5. Think about context. I thought I disliked weight training, but in fact, I dislike the guys who hang out in the weight-training area. Are you distressed about the grubby showers in your gym? Do you try to run in the mornings, but recoil from going out in the cold? Examine the factors that might be discouraging you from exercising.

6. Exercise several times a week. If your idea of exercise is to join games of pick-up basketball, you should be playing practically every day. Twice a month isn’t enough.
7. If you don’t have time to both exercise and take a shower, find a way to exercise that doesn’t require you to shower afterward. Twice a week, I have a very challenging weight-training session, but the format I follow doesn’t make me sweat. (Some of you are saying, “It can’t be challenging if you don’t sweat!” Oh yes, believe me, it is.)

8. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer or more convenient gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer to keep track of your walking distances? Exercise is a high life priority, so this a worthwhile place to spend some money if that helps.

9. Think of exercise as part of your essential preparation for times you want to be in especially fine form—whether in performance (to be sharp for an important presentation) or appearance (to look good for a wedding) or mood (to deal with a stressful situation). Studies show that exercise does help.

10. Remember one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood, courtesy of Voltaire: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t decide it’s only worth exercising if you can run five miles or if you can bike for an hour. I have a friend who scorns exercise unless she’s training for a marathon—so she never exercises. Even going for a ten-minute walk is worthwhile. Do what you can.

11. Don’t kid yourself. Belonging to a gym doesn’t mean you go to the gym. Having been in shape in high school or college doesn’t mean you’re in shape now. Saying that you don’t have time to exercise doesn’t make it true.

People often ask me, “So if I want to be happier, what should I be doing?” and I always say, “The first thing to do is to make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep and plenty of exercise.”

I know that answer doesn’t sound properly transcendent and high-minded on the subject of happiness, but research shows that you’d be wise to start there. And I’ve found that if I’m feeling energetic and well rested, it’s much easier to follow all my other happiness-inducing resolutions.

Originally published on The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Sticky Teams

Any time you have two or more people who have to cooperate or work in some form or fashion, you are going to have natural drift that will arise in the relationship(s).

Picture for a moment a layer of sheet ice - a thin layer of ice that floats on water. Now, If you take a hammer to the sheet ice it will shatter into a number of pieces. The natural tendency of these individual pieces is to drift away from each other, unless concentrated effort is invested to hold them together in a cluster.

The sheet ice is a simple metaphor to illustrate the relations between people. If concentrated effort is not invested to hold the relationships together, people tend to drift from away from each other. This is true for families, sport teams, rock groups, corporate teams or just about any other type of group you can think of.

Think about your own history. There have been people in your life who were once very close, but have since drifted away. Perhaps you moved (or they) to a new company, a new city or a new country. Life moves on for all parties and everyone gets wrapped up in their own existences.

Then you will have other relationships that you have maintained and strengthened despite what has transpired over time. A concentrated effort has been invested to build and maintain strong bridges between the fragmented sheet ice.

It is not only physical distance (i.e. new company, city or country) that can be the cause of relation drift. The distance can also be mental. People may still be part of the same group, see each other everyday, and on paper are formerly regarded as a group. It's just that mentally they have distanced themselves from each other. In family groups the word 'estranged' is used. In corporate groups it is commonly known as 'silos'.

How does a group overcome this natural drift?

From my experience working with groups (mainly teams within organizations) I have found there are three key-elements required to keep groups intact, functioning and healthy.

1. The ability to build and maintain relationships.
2. Specific dialogue skill-sets.
3. Creating a space/venue/arena for safe and healthy interaction.

If you have all three elements in place and a concentrated effort is invested in maintaining and improving these elements, the result is team cohesiveness. What I like to call Sticky Teams.

The above three elements do not reqiuire a PhD in psychology. It just requires a little education and a whole lot of common sense. Most people have a least one strong working/professional relationship, which is a very good indication that they are applying the three elements of sticky teams/groups. The challenge is to repeat the behavior with those relationships that are important, but seem to be in drift.

In my following blog posts I will go into deeper details about each of these elements.

- On the road with my iPhone

60 Inspirational Quotes

Wisdom and Inspirational Quotes
1. It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.
—Albert Einstein
2. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
—Woody Allen
3. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
—Wilson Mizner
4. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
5. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
—William Arthur Ward
6. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake.
—Frank Wilczek
7. You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.
—Eric Hoffer
8. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
—Albert Einstein
9. Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.
—Alfred A. Montapert
10. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
—Bill Cosby
11. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
—Spanish Proverb
12. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
—Oscar Wilde
13. There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.
—Harold Stephens
14. It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
—Alfred Adler
15. I hear: I forget / I see: I remember / I do: I understand
—Chinese Proverb
16. Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most.
—Unknown Author
17. The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself.
—Wallace Wattles
18. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
—Barry LePatner
19. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
—Abraham Lincoln
20. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
—Winston Churchill
Humor Quotes
21. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
—Joe Martin
22. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
—Ambrose Bierce
23. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Noel Coward
24. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
—Will Rogers
25. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
—George Burns
26. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
27. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
—Groucho Marx
28. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
—Sam Levenson
29. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
—Unknown Author
30. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
—Calvin Trillin
31. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
—David Richerby
32. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
—Garry Shandling
33. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
—Jack Benny
34. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
35. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
36. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.
—Ted Turner
37. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
—Henny Youngman
38. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
—Groucho Marx
39. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
—Douglas Hofstadter
40. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
—Franklin P. Jones
Otherwise Interesting Quotes
41. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
—Albert Einstein
42. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
—Susan Erz
43. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
—Pablo Picasso
44. A genius! For 37 years I’ve practised fourteen hours a day, and now they call me a genius!
—Pablo Sarasate
45. There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.
—Don Herold
46. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
—Michael Althsuler
47. The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
—Orville Mars
48. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
—George Bernard Shaw
49. In God we trust; all others bring data.
—Dr. W. Edwards Deming
50. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
—Mark Twain
51. Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
—Mark Twain
52. My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
—Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.
53. Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to complex and intelligent behavior. Complex rules and regulations give rise to simple and stupid behavior.
—Dee Hock
54. Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.
—Albert Einstein
55. In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.
—Dwight D. Eisenhower
56. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
—Niels Bohr
57. Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them.
—Unknown Author
58. Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
59. It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
—Harry Truman
60. A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
—Martin H. Fischer

Cohesion -- Sport Psychology with Karlene Sugarman, M.A.

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Above and Beyond the Call of Email

Electronic mail as a form of communication is fast, furious and ubiquitous. It is a tool like any other. If used appropriately it can be a very constructive tool, and if used inappropriately it can also be very destructive.

When I talk to most working professionals there is an almost universal agreement as to how to use email and you can find a list of these links at pcmag.com or about.com.

Simply in the last week, I had three different sessions with clients that dealt with the contents of emails they both received and sent.

LOST IN THE CROWD

My first client, a person who is fully aware of his preference for interacting more with his Mac than with people, tends to use email for the majority of his communication. He fully admits he would rather send an email than knock on his colleague's door, which is less than a meters distance from his office.

Email does simplify his life in some ways, but can also cause more complications. The particular issue that this client brought up was the fact that sometimes his colleagues did not follow up promptly on a request he sent via email. He said that it really frustrated him, and that he thought it was quite unprofessional of them to not reply.

I asked what he did to follow through. He replied, 'I don't follow through with them. I wait for their reply. I've sent them the email. They have it. The ball is in their court.'

He believed that his job was finished once he hit the send key. It was up to his colleague to hit the ball back into his court so the game could continue. As we talked through the issue, he realized that email was not much different than any other form of communication. People sometimes lose track of a conversation or a request. Especially, when we think about how much we are inundated with a constant flow of information from every direction. Sometimes, even as professional as we might be, some things simply fall off our mental radar.

Most professionals I work with can receive any where from 50 to 200 emails (sometimes even more) in a day. Is it any wonder why an email can get buried and soon forgotten?

Whether it is learning a new skill or acquiring new knowledge repetition is the key. Without some form of repetition the skill or the knowledge will simply fade to make room for more present and current input. With this in mind, my client grudgingly agreed that he has to sometimes follow up with a second email or pick up the (dreaded) phone to see how matters are progressing.

HIDDEN MESSAGES AND ASSUMPTIONS

It is generally agreed that emails primary purpose should be to used to send information or to make simple requests. Issues that are very detailed or of a sensitive matter should be saved for face-to-face or for the phone. As often is the case, these two ends of the same spectrum are blurred.

People have this fascinating tendency to look at something to see if there is deeper meaning, a curious pattern or some hidden message.

Well this phenomenon is also true for emails. We tend to assign meaning to the words that are flashed up on our screens. That is, we tend to make an assumption about the intent of the person who wrote the email. Sometimes our assumptions may be right on the mark, and other times it might be completely off target. Since our behavior, our reactions and our decisions are based on our assumptions, we need to take care that the assumptions we are making are based in reality.

If we assume by the words that we read in an email that the sender is out to get us in one form or another, we will tend to react defensively and maybe aggressively. It is human nature to right a wrong. The question is: what if we are trying to right a wrong that was never made in the first place? I think we have all been down this road. For most of us the foolishness or the embarrassment that results is a good wake-up call for us to be more cautious the next time we react before we can verify our assumption.

When writing an email brevity and specificity are the keys. When reading an email if something seems off or is not nonsensical, ask for clarity.

We are all at fault for using email above and beyond it's original call.

I'm back

To begin, I would just like to apologize for not blogging the last 6 weeks. I've had too many things up and running and something had to give.

It is only in the last couple of days that I've been able to answer emails specifically targeted to the MINDtalk blog. Over the next few posts, I will be taking the questions from those emails and answering them.

I think many of the questions are what many of us ask ourselves at one point or another. As usual, I will write on my take on each issue. Also as usual, I hope you, as the reader, will contribute your thoughts or ideas to the blog, on Twitter (@MINDtalkCoach) or by email (MINDtalk@email.com).

If there are any other topics you feel would be of interest please let me know.

- On the road with my iPhone

Feeling excluded? Welcome to social pain.

"I was at a park with my dog and suddenly a frisbee roiled up and hit me in the back. I looked around and there were two guys playing, so I threw it back to them thinking that I'd go back to my dog - but they threw it back to me. So I threw it to them and they threw it to me, so I sort of joined their group and we were throwing it around for a couple of minutes and then all of a sudden they stopped throwing it to me and they just threw it to each other... I was amazed at how bad I felt... And finally I just sort of slithered back to my dog."- Kip Williams, Social Psychologist from a 2004 interview with ABC News.

This is a great quote that captures the feeling of being excluded. I remember when I was a kid back in the schoolyard when teams were being picked. I tended to be the last or sometimes not picked at all. I felt gutted. At some point, most people have experienced being excluded.

You may be at a party or a business mixer and you notice four people having a lively conversation. You approach the small group and they shift ever so slightly, perhaps even at an unconscious level, so there is no natural space to join in on the conversation. You'd have to literally shoulder your way to make a space, which most people would never think of doing. Just like that you feel like the fifth wheel. You feel excluded.

What we actually feel is a type of social pain. From earlier research with animals, social pain is registered in the same structues of the brain that register physical pain.

So what's the fallout of feeling excluded?

A person can feel undervalued and not appreciated. He can feel invisible and feel his efforts go unrecognized. He will lose motivation and drive. He will begin to have self talk along the lines of, " What's the point? My efforts don't count anyways. Screw it!"

I work with teams to help them communicate better and to have better cohesion. One of the most comment grudges I hear is the feeling of being excluded. This happens quite often, but usually team leaders are not aware of it. That is, it was not a conscious action to exclude individuals.

Perhaps the leader was not aware of all the contributing factors that went into the success of a project. She only gave praise to the most obvious contributers. It's important that time is invested to learn about all those individuals that had an input and to give feedback when possible.

Social pain is just as real as physical pain. You may not have physically hit someone, but if you excluded someone it is a psychological hit that is registered in the same area of the brain as physical pain.









- On the road with my iPhone

We Are More - by Shane Koycyzan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

A Little Inspiration

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

Author Unknown

The Awakening (Author Unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.