How to begin a Crucial Conversation

The next stage of a crucial conversation is to prepare your opening
statement. When spoken it should take no longer than a minute or two. You want to be clear, concise and succinct.

Before we jump into the step-by-step process of building your opening statement, I want to briefly warn you of a couple of the most common
pitfalls.

There can be a tendency to try to start off on a gentle foot when
starting a confrontational talk. We may start off by simply asking how
things are going or if everything is all right.

People are not stupid. They can see what's coming from a kilometer
away. The recipient of the message will see through the pathetic
attempt at soft talk. This can result in a diminishing of respect for
the communicator because he or she is not professional enough to get
to the heart of the matter.

By trying to soften the blow of the message we also run the risk of
diluting the seriousness of the conversation. I've seen managers dance
around the issue masking the message in corporate-speak and vague
generalities. The employee walks out of the meeting with a quizzical
look. You can easily see that he is thinking something along the lines
of, "what the hell was that all about?"

Another common approach to starting a difficult conversation is to go
in with all guns blazing, where the entire message is coated in anger.
In many instances, not much thought or preparation is done before
holding the talk. The message is delivered raw and unrefined.

In most cases, this simply adds more fuel to a burning situation. This
approach has the tendency to complicate matters, because the recipient
feels he or she is under attack.

The usual reason for this brashness is due to some form of anger. Most
of us try our best to avoid conflict and so the anger is usually to
mask one type of fear or another. These fears may include:

• the loss of a relationship
• could be on the receiving end of irrational emotions
• might hurt another's feelings
• could worsen the problem etc.

An important part of coaching people in conducting difficult
conversations is tackling their assumptions about conflict. If you can
help your client or employee to rewire his/her typical
belief that conflict is negative to one where they can a the
advantages of conflict, than your client is half way there.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that conducting difficult
conversations is a key-skill for coaches and managers. It is crucial
to remember to keep such conversations in dialogue and not slip into
debate.

In my next post, I will explain the step-by-step approach to
constructing the all-important opening statement.

Challenging Conversations 2

The preparation you do for a crucial conversation is half the work,
and part of that work is knowing precisely what you want to address. This includes CPR (content, pattern or relationship). That is, the behavior your addressing may be a single event, a multiple event or a chronic problem.

If it is a single event then you are going to want to give feedback on the content. For example, "Jon, I want to talk to speak to you about your interaction with your colleagues in the meeting this morning. I feel, as did the others, that you responded in an overly aggresive manner..."

If it is a situation that has happened more than once, than it will be
a pattern of behavior you will need to address.

For example, "Jon, I need to talk to you about your aggresive
responses in the staff meeting. I've already addressed this particular
behavior twice with you..."

If it is a behavior that constantly and consistently shows up then it
can be catagorized as something that is starting to affect the
relationship.

For example, "Jon, I need to address the aggresive style you take
during staff meetings. We've had this talk several times now and each
time you've promised you would take a more diplomatic tone. I feel
this behavior is starting to affect our working relationship..."

Although in each of the three examples the same behavior is being
addressed, it's the consequences that differs in focus. The
significance and the seriousness takes a step up.

Challenging Conversations

The first step to approaching any type of crucial conversation is the preperation. I compare preparing for a difficult conversation to that of preparing for an important negotiation. In both cases it is highly recommended not to simply wing-it.

There are two fundamental questions you should ask yourself. The first: what is the purpose for having the dialogue? The second: what, exactly, is the problem I want to address?

The first question is important, because it focuses you to think about
the reason you need to have the conversation. That is, to become fully
aware of your intent.

You may discover that your intent is to punish, humiliate or blame.
These are natural feelings most of us initially feel if we believe the
others persons action or behavior was deliberate, spiteful or simply
mean-spirited.

The idea of a crucial conversation is to be constructive and not
destructive, which would be the result if the intent it to get back at
the other person.

The intent should be a genuine and sincere effort to help move the
person forward.

The second question: what, exactly, is the problem you want to
address? You should be able to specify the problem with only a few
sentences.

It is important to be specific, descriptive and concrete by keeping to
the facts. In addition, use a recent example to illustrate the problem
that you are bringing up. Remember it should be based on an observable
behavior. That is, something you can see or hear.

Before ending today's entry I would like to bring to your attention
the difference between dispositional and situational views on behavior.

We tend to view other people's behavior from a dispositional view
point. We tend to place blame on the personality flaws of the person
and tend to ignore any environmental influences. We tend to do this
because we see a person's actions much more readily than we so the
forces behind it.

We tend to see ourselves from a situational point of view. It is clear
to us what environmental forces contributed to our challenge.

When we are preparing for a crucial conversation it is necesarry for
us to be aware of the dispositional and situational factors.