How to begin a Crucial Conversation

The next stage of a crucial conversation is to prepare your opening
statement. When spoken it should take no longer than a minute or two. You want to be clear, concise and succinct.

Before we jump into the step-by-step process of building your opening statement, I want to briefly warn you of a couple of the most common
pitfalls.

There can be a tendency to try to start off on a gentle foot when
starting a confrontational talk. We may start off by simply asking how
things are going or if everything is all right.

People are not stupid. They can see what's coming from a kilometer
away. The recipient of the message will see through the pathetic
attempt at soft talk. This can result in a diminishing of respect for
the communicator because he or she is not professional enough to get
to the heart of the matter.

By trying to soften the blow of the message we also run the risk of
diluting the seriousness of the conversation. I've seen managers dance
around the issue masking the message in corporate-speak and vague
generalities. The employee walks out of the meeting with a quizzical
look. You can easily see that he is thinking something along the lines
of, "what the hell was that all about?"

Another common approach to starting a difficult conversation is to go
in with all guns blazing, where the entire message is coated in anger.
In many instances, not much thought or preparation is done before
holding the talk. The message is delivered raw and unrefined.

In most cases, this simply adds more fuel to a burning situation. This
approach has the tendency to complicate matters, because the recipient
feels he or she is under attack.

The usual reason for this brashness is due to some form of anger. Most
of us try our best to avoid conflict and so the anger is usually to
mask one type of fear or another. These fears may include:

• the loss of a relationship
• could be on the receiving end of irrational emotions
• might hurt another's feelings
• could worsen the problem etc.

An important part of coaching people in conducting difficult
conversations is tackling their assumptions about conflict. If you can
help your client or employee to rewire his/her typical
belief that conflict is negative to one where they can a the
advantages of conflict, than your client is half way there.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that conducting difficult
conversations is a key-skill for coaches and managers. It is crucial
to remember to keep such conversations in dialogue and not slip into
debate.

In my next post, I will explain the step-by-step approach to
constructing the all-important opening statement.