Challenging Conversations

The first step to approaching any type of crucial conversation is the preperation. I compare preparing for a difficult conversation to that of preparing for an important negotiation. In both cases it is highly recommended not to simply wing-it.

There are two fundamental questions you should ask yourself. The first: what is the purpose for having the dialogue? The second: what, exactly, is the problem I want to address?

The first question is important, because it focuses you to think about
the reason you need to have the conversation. That is, to become fully
aware of your intent.

You may discover that your intent is to punish, humiliate or blame.
These are natural feelings most of us initially feel if we believe the
others persons action or behavior was deliberate, spiteful or simply
mean-spirited.

The idea of a crucial conversation is to be constructive and not
destructive, which would be the result if the intent it to get back at
the other person.

The intent should be a genuine and sincere effort to help move the
person forward.

The second question: what, exactly, is the problem you want to
address? You should be able to specify the problem with only a few
sentences.

It is important to be specific, descriptive and concrete by keeping to
the facts. In addition, use a recent example to illustrate the problem
that you are bringing up. Remember it should be based on an observable
behavior. That is, something you can see or hear.

Before ending today's entry I would like to bring to your attention
the difference between dispositional and situational views on behavior.

We tend to view other people's behavior from a dispositional view
point. We tend to place blame on the personality flaws of the person
and tend to ignore any environmental influences. We tend to do this
because we see a person's actions much more readily than we so the
forces behind it.

We tend to see ourselves from a situational point of view. It is clear
to us what environmental forces contributed to our challenge.

When we are preparing for a crucial conversation it is necesarry for
us to be aware of the dispositional and situational factors.