How to Coach

New Years is fast approaching and so is the desire for people to make resolutions.  As we all know, most resolutions will never see the light of day.  Those of us who have the fortitude to follow through with the changes begin to see positive changes soon enough.

Studies show that those of us who have a friend who work along with us to fulfil a resolution often do so with a greater chance of success.  Not only do we have an internal promise with ourselves to make the healthy change, we also have an external promise to another that drives us forward.  It is that external commitment that is the catalyst for change.  People generally find it very difficult to break a promise they've made to a friend.

If you are that friend who is helping a buddy to fulfil a resolution, perhaps the following tips can help make the job a little easier.

There are two spectrums I'll focus on.  The first is the Asking/Telling spectrum.  Your job in helping a friend is to get them to think about and commit to the change they want to make.  You can simply tell them what to do, because you've been down that particular road and know what curves and bends to expect. 

Telling  someone what to do can help to some extent, but it is not very effective.  The reason is that you are advising an action from your perspective and experience of the world.  The person you are advising has neither your perspective nor your particular experience of the world.  They may heed your advise and get positive results, but it will never be as effective if the person makes their own connections. 

Instead of telling someone it is always wiser for you to ask.  That is, ask people questions.  Let them find their own answers.  If they make the connections themselves, the lessons learned will be intergrated at a much deeper level, which will also increase the likelihood that change will take hold. 

You may have deep knowledge and experience in a certain area where a friend wishes to make changes.  You will most likely know a brilliant short-cut to get him/her to where they want to go.  You could simply tell them, but asking them will be more lasting.  Your knowledge and experience is the road map and allows you to design specific questions to focus your friend's attention in the right direction.  As they answer your questions they are following the correct road map, but they are drawing a road map from their own perspective.  It's a map that makes sense to your friend and which is unique to him/her.

The second spectrum is the problem/solution.  The focus on both the problem and solution have their own roles, but caution is still warrented. 

Focusing on the problem is important to understand how it is influencing a person in the here and now.  Both you and your friend need to clarify what it is that is preventing or hindering any movement forward.  Where the caution is needed is not tripping into the pitfall of digging too deep into why the problem is there in the first place.  What's done is done.  There is no going back.  We can not change the past and so there is no use in dragging up old pains.  It serves no purpose.

Once you and your friend understand where he/she stands in the present, then the focus should targeted on finding a solution.  When people start to talk about possibilities and actionables, this is a very motivating force.  It gives people the sense that they have control and oversight. 

An important factor to remember is to help the person paint a vivid and detailed picture in their minds of the solution.  If a person can see it, they can do it.  The opposite is also true - if a person can't picture something they can't do it.  It is that simple.  So when you are asking questions, whiche focus on the solution, try to get your friend to picture his/her way forward.