When Rules Go Wrong

Each of us has sets of rules (also called beliefs) that we live by as we move forward in life. These rules help us to play the game by setting the guidelines as to how we take action, make decisions and shape behavior.

Our rules are set by what we learn from an experience. The lessons learned are translated into mind talk, which is the internal language of the mind. It's the chatter in our heads. It continuously comments on what we should or should not do and what we can or can not do.

As I've mentioned in a previous entry, many of our rules serve us by helping up move forward and to develop. At the same time, we have rules that are unhelpful. What ever we may try and do we simply can't move forward. As a result, we may be left feeling a sense of frustration, guilt, defeat, hopelessness, apathy and any number of other negative emotions.

This brings up the question as to why some rules serve us and others hold us back? It is this difference where the real skill-sets of coaching comes into play.

A key point to remember is that rules (i.e. our beliefs) are established the moment we actually learn from an experience. This is not to say that they are set in stone. Rules can be modified our entirely redefined. This is done by continuously broadening what we learn and experience.

For example, the first time you got behind the wheel of a car and pulled onto a highway it might have felt very daunting. There were vehicles of all size and shapes racing along 16 lanes at rocket velocities. But the more often you drove on the highway the less daunting it became until you reached a point where you felt comfortable and confident. The more you experienced driving on the highway the more you learned. The more you learned the more your rules or beliefs changed about highway driving. This means your rules changed as you changed. Your beliefs evolved with your increasing experience.

Unfortunately, this evolution of beliefs/rules is fallible. This is a critically important point. Although you may have established a belief that served you well some time in the past, now in the present it is a hindrance. What has happened is that you have moved on, the world has moved on and time has moved on, but your belief is still stuck in the past. How is this possible?

The belief you established some time in the past about a particular situation you simply forgot about. Although you are no longer aware of the rule, by no means has it disappeared. What it has done is that it has slipped into your unconscious mind where it still works 24/7.

For example, a client of mine was terrified of presenting in front of people. Earlier in his career he did not have to speak in front of people so it was no big deal. As he progressed through the ranks of his company it became ever more important for him to give presentations. For the life of him, he had no idea what his hang-up was with giving presentations.

After going through the coaching process with him, he discovered that back in junior-high school he gave a presentation that was received rather poorly. That negative experience etched deep on his psyche and he established the rule - Never talk in front of a group of people or you will be laughed at and made fun of. My client and the world had moved on, but his rule was still stuck in the past. It still influenced his actions and decisions.

I will continue When the Rules Go Wrong in the next entry with more examples. I will also discuss in more detail the difference between healthy rules/beliefs and unhealthy rules/beliefs.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
www.mindtalk.no