Gaining Perspective - Part 1

Gaining Perspective is the third step in having a difficult
conversation. From my experience, it is the most challenging of the four steps, because this is where the bulk of the dialogue happens. I will write about this step over two entries.

Most difficult conversations are about some sort of change. When we confront someone with change there is going to be resistance.

The resistance could be rather mild in the form of excuses. On the
other end of the scale, the resistance could be extreme in the form of
anger and complete disagreement. Regardless of amount of resistance,
the number one skill needed in this step is the ability to manage
resistance and emotional reactions.

One need is to use these skills for the person you are dealing with,
but even more importantly is dealing with your own resistance and
reactions.

It is rather difficult for you or I to give up our well-thought-
through perception of what happened. We've invested much time and
effort that to even begin to question our perception of events is
unthinkable. This most likely means, that we are not going to be open
to hearing another version of events.

It is at this point, the idea of changing our ideas about something
that we are so damn sure of, where our resistance will creep in. This
can take the form of anger, defensiveness, impatience or any number of
other beahviors.

It is important to be able to take a mental step back and check
yourself. You need to tell youself to stay in dialogue and not move
into debate. This requires self-management skills in the here and now.
An intergral part of this is the ability to be aware of what feelings
are being triggered and controlling them.

An emotional explosion is simply unprofessional. It puts up obstacles
and mires the difficult conversation in thick molasses. It will make a
difficult conversation even more challenging.

A few years back I was a witness to a minor car collision. The owner
of one of the vehicles was super irate and spewed a steady stream of
colourful metaphors at the other driver. When a police officer arrived
on the scene he directed his hissy-fit on her.

The officer maintained her composure under the assault of raw emotions
and insults. Her on-the-site self-management skills kept her own
emotions in check and her professional demeanor intact.

Eventually, through her skill and tact with communication skills she
got the irate driver to calm down and tell his version of events. You
can probably imagine what would have transpired if she had fired off
her emotional volley in responce.

The officer understood clearly that if she was to move the
conversation forward, it was essential for her to be open to hearing
the other side's story.

The idea here is to get the other side to speak and keep them
speaking. The more detail you can get them to be the more you will
understand how he/she perceives the situation.

In my next entry, I'll get more specific about the communication
skills needed to manage resistance and emotional reponces to Gaining
Perspective.

A great source for more information can be found at http://www.bnet.com/.

Cordially

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/