Gaining Perspective - Part 2

Gaining Perspective is the most challenging of all the steps in
handling a difficult conversation. There are no specific steps to
follow as there are in preparing the Opening Statement. What is
important here is to be conscious of using self-management skills and this means managing resistance and emotional responses. This applies not only to the other party, but also to your own resistance and emotional responses.

From my experience, I've found it best to expect resistance from the
get go. As I've stated in an earlier entry, when a person is
confronted or expected to change there will be some form of
resistance. How you mange this resistance will determine the overall
success, or lack thereof, of the difficult conversation.

The main focus of Gaining Perspective is to understand the other
person's motivation and understanding of events. You want to get as
clear and concrete understanding of their view as possible.

As we have all experienced, people are usually very reluctant to share
their view in fear that we may use it against them and/or to
unneccesarily expose themselves to further attack or criticism.

How do we handle resistance and emotional responses? We do this
through using the communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and
reviewing perspectives.

Silence. Take a moment and reflect back to the last argument you had
with someone. If you are anything like me perhaps you could describe
it as a war of words.

What often happens is the conversation starts out as a dialogue with
the intent to be civil and find a way out of the conundrum. What
really happens is the so-called civilized dialogue does a 'Dr. Jeckyl
and Mr. Hyde' and turns into a debate.

Listening to each other becomes passé. Instead, the trend is to get
all your blows in before your opponent has time to defend and recover.
Of course, this is the exact same mind-frame that the other person is
in.

The following are some of tje indicators that you are in this mode of
thinking:

• thinking about your response while the other person is making their
point
• trying to out-talk the other person hoping that they'll fall silent
and drown in your stream of words
• searching for the smallest of holes in their logic in order to
eviscerate their argument
• feeling the strong desire to score points and 'win' the debate
• harping on the same point and going no where
• offering advice or suggestions without exploring and understanding
their perspective of events

It is the perfect storm for a no-holds-barred, give-no-quarter ask-no-
quarter quarrel that goes no where except backwards. If this is your
goal - read no further.

To avoid all this useless noise, I generally employ silence. It is a
simple and effective method to take a step back and refocus.
Especially, when the dialogue starts to become heated. It allows
reactivity and strong emotions to subside and for some semblence of
clear thinking to return.

Paraphrasing. This is the second communication skill, which is
important when trying to understand the other person's perspective and
motivation. In essence, you rephrase back to the other person what you
beleive they communicated to you. This indicates to him/her that you
are paying attention and that you understand his/her message.

For example, "So what you are saying is that I tend to ignore your
suggestions during key meetings."

He/she will generally respond in one of two ways. "Yes, that is
precisely what I'm saying" or "No, not exactly. What I said was..."
Regardless if you are right on target or off, paraphrasing is an
excellent way to ensure you are exploring their side of the story.

Reviewing Perspectives. This is the third communication technique that
I've found to be essential in the Gaining Perspectives stage. This
skill is ideal when you wish to get clarification on how they perceive
a particular situation.

We experience the world through the eyes of our own individual
experiences as does everyone else on this planet. This means, we have
our own unique set of filters. It let's some information into our
awareness while blocking other bits.

Imagine you were one of many witnesses to a car accident. When the
police ask you what you saw, it is inevitable that your view of events
is going to be different, if only very slightly, from another witness.
So even though you and every other witness saw the exact same car
accident, each viewpoint will be as distinct as the individuals giving
the statements.

This logic holds true when it comes to difficult conversations. You
want to discover how they interpreted the exact same event, but
through their own unique filters You want to be upfront and say that
you came to a different conclusion and want to understand how they
came to theirs.

For example, "I see what happened quite differently. I want to
understand how you came to this conclusion."

The main take-home message for this entry is to keep a level head and
to understand, as thouroufhly as possible, the other person's
interpretation of events. To do this you will want to employ the
communication skills of silence, paraphrasing and reviewing
perspectives.

In my next entry, I will wrap up this series on conducting difficult/
crucial conversations by writing about the resolution stage - the last
of the four-steps.

If you wish for a free white-paper on conducting difficult
conversations, please contact me.

For other excellent resources, please check out the following links.

http://www.fastcompany.com/
http://www.managementtools.com/
http://www.bnet.com/

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/