The Opening Statement - Part 2

In my last entry, I wrote about two of the most common approaches to having a crucial/difficult conversation. Those approaches are
generally not very well thought through and are often ineffective.
They can actually make a tense or bad situation worse.

The most professional approach is one that is clear, concise and
succint. At the same time it has been planned and practiced.

The opening statement should take no longer than a minute or two to
say. In the following paragraphs I will outline a step-by-step way of
constructing the all-crucial opening statement based on the acronym
DISCUSS.

DISCUSS stands for dilemma, illustrate, sense, consequences,
understanding, solution and story.

Dilemma: you want to be able to identify the core issue that needs to
be addressed. What part of CPR is it (please see The Prep Work - Part
2)?

Illustrate: it is very important to find a current example that
exactly illustrates the dilemma you are addressing. The example should
be current and speicific.

Sense: you need to state in no uncertain terms how you feel about the
dilemma. Stating your feelings adds significant impact to your
message, hitting home the seriousness of the dilemma.

Consequences: here you will want to point out what is at risk if the
situation or behavior is not rectified. This adds weight to your
message, because the person will know exactly what is at stake.

Understanding: this is where you state that part of the blame may lie
with you. Perhaps you may not have given feedback as often as you
should have. Perhaps you simply assumed the other person knew what
was expected of them and felt it was not necessary to further inform
them.

Solution: this is where you are candid about finding a solution. You
want to invite the person to help rectify the situation. This is where
it is necessary to use your other communication skills to communicate
specifically what changes are needed.

For example, you hire a golf pro to improve your game. He tells you to
'hit longer' and 'to stop slicing the ball' and that is as specific as
he gets. Obviously, this advice is pretty much useless, because it
doesn't tell you anything as to how to improve your game. It does
nothing to address your performance.

In the solution step, it is essential to state what specifically needs
to be done, to be seen and/or to be heard if performance and/or
behavior is to improve and/or change.

Story: at this point you want to invite the client or employee to
share his side of the story. This is simply a short sentence asking
them to share their perception of the situation.

Lets put it all together using a simple example.

"Greg, I would like to address with you the effect your style of
interaction is having on the othe team members. This morning during
the staff meeting you behaved in an aggresive manner when answering
questions about your projects development. I'm concerned about the
effect this behavior is having on other team members. It is putting
the the team on edge, because they feel any feedback or question on
their part wil be perceived as a personal attack on you. This means
the open communication that is needed for this project is at risk.
Perhaps I have not been clear enough how important it is that we are
all open to feedback and questions. I want to work with you Greg to
resolve this issue. To do this, I would like to hear your side of the
story of how you perceived this morning's meeting."

In my next entry, I'll talk about the last two steps of handling a
crucial/difficult conversation.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

The Opening Statement - Part 1

The next stage of a crucial conversation is to prepare your opening
statement. When spoken it should take no longer than a minute or two. You want to be clear, concise and succint.

Before we jump into the step-by-step process of building your opening statement, I want to briefly warn you of a couple of the most common
pitfalls.

There can be a tendency to try to start off on a gentle foot when
starting a confrontational talk. We may start off by simply asking how
things are going or if everything is all right.

People are not stupid. They can see what's coming from a kilometer
away. The recipient of the message will see through the pathetic
attempt at soft talk. This can result in a diminishing of respect for
the communicator because he or she is not professional enough to get
to the heart of the matter.

By trying to soften the blow of the message we also run the risk of
diluting the seriousness of the conversation. I've seen managers dance
around the issue masking the message in corporate-speak and vague
generalities. The employee walks out of the meeting with a quizzical
look. You can easily see that he is thinking something along the lines
of, "what the hell was that all about?"

Another common approach to starting a difficult conversation is to go
in with all guns blazing, where the entire message is coated in anger.
In many instances, not much thought or preperation is done before
holding the talk. The message is delivered raw and unrefined.

In most cases, this simply adds more fuel to a burning situation. This
approach has the tendency to complicate matters, because the recipient
feels he or she is under attack.

The usual reason for this brashness is due to some form of anger. Most
of us try our best to avoid conflict and so the anger is usually to
mask one type of fear or another. These fears may include:
• the loss of a relationship
• could be on the recieving end of irrational emotions
• might hurt another's feelings
• could worsen the problem etc.

An important part of coaching people in conducting difficult
conversations is tackling their assumptions about conflict. If you can
help your client or employee to rewire his/her typical
belief that conflict is negative to ome where they can a the
advantages of conflict, than your client is half way there.

I can not emphasize emough the fact that conducting difficult
conversations is a key-skill for coaches and managers. It is crucial
to remember to keep such conversations in dialogue and not slip into
debate.

In my next post, I will explain the step-by-step approach to
constructing the all-important opening statement.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

The Prep Work - Part 2

The preparation you do for a crucial conversation is half the work,
and part of that work is knowing precisely what you want to address. This includes CPR (content, pattern or relationship). That is, the behavior your addressing a single event, a multiple event or a chronic problem.

If it is a single event then you are going to want to give feedback on the content. For example, "Jon, I want to talk to speak to you about your interaction with your colleagues in the meeting this morning. I feel, as did the others, that you responded in an overly aggresive manner..."

If it is a situation that has happened more than once, than it will be
a pattern of behavior you will need to address.

For example, "Jon, I need to talk to you about your aggresive
responses in the staff meeting. I've already addressed this particular
behavior twice with you..."

If it is a behavior that constantly and consistently shows up then it
can be catagorized as something that is starting to affect the
relationship.

For example, "Jon, I need to address the aggresive style you take
during staff meetings. We've had this talk several times now and each
time you've promised you would take a more diplomatic tone. I feel
this behavior is starting to affect our working relationship..."

Although in each of the three examples the same behavior is being
addressed, it's the consequences that differs in focus. The
significance and the seriousness takes a step up.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

The Prep Work - Part 1

The first step to approaching any type of crucial conversation is the preperation. I compare preparing for a difficult conversation to that of preparing for an important negotiation. In both cases it is highly recommended not to simply wing-it.

There are two fundamental questions you should ask yourself. The first: what is the purpose for having the dialogue? The second: what, exactly, is the problem I want to address?

The first question is important, because it focuses you to think about
the reason you need to have the conversation. That is, to become fully
aware of your intent.

You may discover that your intent is to punish, humiliate or blame.
These are natural feelings most of us initially feel if we believe the
others persons action or behavior was deliberate, spiteful or simply
mean-spirited.

The idea of a crucial conversation is to be constructive and not
destructive, which would be the result if the intent it to get back at
the other person.

The intent should be a genuine and sincere effort to help move the
person forward.

The second question: what, exactly, is the problem you want to
address? You should be able to specify the problem with only a few
sentences.

It is important to be specific, descriptive and concrete by keeping to
the facts. In addition, use a recent example to illustrate the problem
that you are bringing up. Remember it should be based on an observable
behavior. That is, something you can see or hear.

Before ending today's entry I would like to bring to your attention
the difference between dipositional and situational views on behavior.

We tend to view other people's behavior from a dispositional view
point. We tend to place blame on the personality flaws of the person
and tend to ignore any environmental influences. We tend to do this
because we see a person's actions much more readily than we so the
forces behind it.

We tend to see ourselves from a situational point of view. It is clear
to us what environmental forces contributed to our challenge.

When we are preparing for a crucial conversation it is necesarry for
us to be aware of the dispositional and situational factors.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
http://www.mindtalk.no/

On the Road

A short note today.

I'll be on the road for the next couple of weeks. That means I will be blogging from my iphone.

I just want to thank my reader for all the positive emails. I hope this EXECUTIVE COACHING blog will develop a strong community and good dialogue around the profession. As things look, I'm am confident that it will.

Thanks again for the support.

Jason Liem

Executive Coaching - Fuel or Folly

Leadership: Executive Coaching -- Fuel or Folly?

BY FC Expert Blogger Grace Andrews

This blog is written by a member of our expert blogging community and expresses that expert's views alone.

So which is it? There seems to be a wide variety of opinions concerning the value of executive coaching. Some say it is the professional that people choose who gets tired of working and so becomes a consultant and that this person’s input is a waste of time. Others swear by executive coaching as a way that changed their lives and careers. As an executive coach myself, I engage in both sides of this conversation with sincere interest. So is it fuel for the leader to improve or folly?

I believe that the answer to this question comes down to who is selected as the coach and how the selection process is structured. Just like most things you search for, like a good doctor, dentist, hair stylist or mechanic, it generally comes down to how well you know what you want and how good you are at researching who is the real deal versus who is a quack. The first point of context that will help you successfully navigate the executive coaching course is understanding how it can serve an organization.

What is the value of outside coaching?

Paul Michelman wrote in an article for the Harvard Business Review the following, when assessing what coaching is: "The belief is that, under the right circumstances, one-on-one interaction with an objective third party can provide a focus that other forms of organizational support simply cannot."

Whereas coaching was once viewed by many as a tool to help correct underperformance, today it is becoming much more widely used in supporting top producers. In fact, in a 2004 survey by Right Management Consultants (Philadelphia), 86 percent of companies said they used coaching to sharpen skills.

At an even more basic level, many executives simply benefit from receiving any feedback at all. "As individuals advance to the executive level, development feedback becomes increasingly important, more infrequent, and more unreliable," notes Anna Maravelas, a St. Paul, Minnesota-based executive coach and founder of TheraRising. As a result, she says, "Many executives plateau in critical interpersonal and leadership skills."

If what Maravelas is saying is true, then why do some people believe executive coaching is hogwash? The answer: because there are a lot of bad coaches out there and they give the profession a bad name. This is why how you structure your selection process and whom you ultimately choose are so important. If you are thinking of heading down this road and want to get the most benefit from your selection process, here are a few tips to get you started.

How do you get started?

First things first:
Know that, without question, executive coaching is not therapy. If it is therapy you want, go find a therapist. This is business coaching and if it turns into therapy and the person is not a qualified therapist, he/she can do more harm than good.

Know what your goal is:
Have an idea of what you want to get out of this coaching engagement. You may not know exactly what your goals are, but you have to think, at least generally, about what you are striving for, so you can appropriately select a coach who can get you there.

Know what type of coach you want:
I categorize coaches into three general categories:
1) Coaching primarily for relationship skills. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a kinder, gentler approach and will include talking through many communication and relationship scenarios.
2) Coaching primarily for goal-achievement and growth. This type of coaching engagement will require a coach with a more directive and assertive style (i.e., someone who isn’t about the coachee’s comfort). Typically the coachee will be given assignments, reading and a specific process to follow.
3) Coaching that is psychological in nature. This approach utilizes testing, theories and proven models and focuses on "a what makes you tick" kind of process to get to the goal.

I am confident there are combinations of these three approaches, but you need to identify what type of coach will work best for you. All have value, if they match your goals and disposition.

Ask good questions:
I have found that most executives are poor at interviewing potential coaches and that they do not know what to ask. Here are a few sample questions that every reputable coach should be able to answer:
1. Tell me about your coaching process and philosophy? (Here, you are looking for a feel of what type of coach the person is and the length of the process, time commitment, and frequency of meetings. Also probe for some of the tools and resources the coach might use.)

2. Give me an example of a previous coaching experience that you would consider a success and what made it so?

3. How would you describe your coaching style?

4. How do you help identify what your coachee’s needs are? (Here you are looking to see if they utilize a 360 feedback process or another method to ascertain needs that the coachee may not see in him/herself)

5. How do you measure success?

I am sure many who are reading this can give us more examples of good questions to ask a coach. If you have some, please let me know.

The coaching process can be a fabulous and engaging experience for leaders to partake in, which ultimately leads to growth and enhancement. Following the basics that I’ve outlined here will ensure that you find a coach who is both reputable and skilled at aiding you in this executive coaching journey. Lastly, if in the selection process a particular coach has all the right answers, but you are uncomfortable with his/her style, don't choose that coach – it simply won’t work.

One last thought:
As the coachee, be prepared for some hard work and be open to hearing a lot of feedback that might feel painful. You must work on limiting your defensiveness and focus on being curious about the learning that can take place. Remember, this coaching process is for you; it may align around company goals, but it is for your growth and you will choose what to share, what to change and what to keep the same. Being dismissive or defensive about the feedback will greatly limit your growth and the value this process can bring. After all, you are hiring this person to be your "truth teller"…..embrace that gift.

NLP - Psuedoscience?

As many of you readers may know, or will eventually discover, that there are many different types of coaches. The methodologies and techniques also varies quite extensively. One such technique is Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP for short.

Since the 1970's there have been scores of books written on the subject. In many of these books NLP is described as a discipline that falls under the realm of psychology. To some extent I agree with them. I've read extensively through the literature and my conclusion is NLP is suited for teaching sales people to push a product. If learning sales techniques is your goal for hiring a coach then a NLP practitioner is what you are looking for.

Below you will find a detailed article writen by Brian Dunning on May 26, 2009. It goes into some depth and describes the origins and the researched conclusions as to the effectiveness of NLP. At the end of the article, you will find links to Brian Dunning's podcast and website.

NLP: Neuro-linguistic Programming
by Brian Dunning

Today we're going to point our skeptical eye at Neuro-linguistic Programming, a New Age communication technique intended to facilitate the exertion of influence. Is it science, or is it another spin-the-wheel-and-invent-a-new-self-help-system disguising its marketing within scientific sounding language?

It was the early 1970's, and a young psychology student at the University of California, Santa Cruz was spending another late night in the lab. Richard Bandler's assignment was to transcribe hours and hours of psychotherapy sessions from the maverick German psychiatrist Fritz Perls. After transcribing until his hands were about to fall off, Bandler noticed an interesting pattern in the way Perls spoke to his patients. Perls had an odd — almost annoying — habit of taking his patients' comments and going back over them with very specific questions, forcing the patients to closely re-examine their wording. Sometimes it seemed that you couldn't make the simplest remark without Perls raking you over the coals. What made you choose this word; what are the implications of your statement? Perls would force his patients to confront the causes and motivations of even the most casual remark. Bandler noticed that this technique had a dramatic effect. Patients would eventually be ground down to the point that they were unable to explain themselves, leaving something of an internal void, and became exceptionally receptive to Perls' suggestions to fill that void. Rather than resenting what might be called harsh cross examination, patients instead tended to embrace the process; and Bandler found that taken as a whole, Perls' technique seemed highly effective.

Bandler reported his discovery to John Grinder, who was a linguist at Santa Cruz. Grinder was intrigued. The two discussed Bandler's findings at length, and decided to look for other incidences of the same pattern. They found them in the psychotherapy sessions of pioneering family therapist Virginia Satir. Believing that they'd stumbled onto something significant, Bandler and Grinder documented and codified the technique, and named it the Meta Model. Built largely around the Meta Model, the two men published the first two of many books to come in 1975. They heralded their discovery as a breakthrough in psychotherapy that would "help people have better, fuller and richer lives." (Keep in mind that this alleged breakthrough in psychotherapy was created by an undergrad and a linguist, neither of whom was a psychotherapist; though Bandler did go on to get an MA in psychology.)

They then built upon their Meta Model with a very different communication technique that they learned by studying the work of hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. Erickson's style was the polar opposite of the high pressure of the Meta Model. What he did was to give general suggestions to his hypnotherapy clients. He wouldn't give specific directions like "You feel happy," instead he'd give a suggestion like "You're free to feel this way if you want to." Not "Put the cup on the counter," but "Consider other places you might like to put the cup, somewhere over there for example." In this way, Erickson was able to guide the client through to his desired destination, but by leaving all the specific steps to get there up to the client, thus empowering them. Bandler and Grinder called this the Milton Model. They found both to be effective tools for influencing others.

Together, the Meta Model and the Milton Model formed the basis for what they came to call Neuro-linguistic Programming. Bandler and Grinder were up to five books by the time they published their Milton Model, and from then on, their subsequent books covered their whole umbrella of Neuro-linguistic Programming, shortened to NLP. By now, the books were being published by Bandler's own publishing company, Meta Publications. They also offered training workshops and classes, marketed at first through psychology trade publications. But it turned out their business came not from the industry, but from business managers, sales professionals, and New Age enthusiasts. NLP grew from the same roots, and shared many of the same customers, with EST and Esalen, also located in the same region around the northern California coast. Throughout the 1970's, such groups peddled self-help philosophies typically ignored by the mainstream. Bandler, Grinder, and the group of associates that grew around them became wealthy and successful, until the early 1980's when trademark disputes, mutual lawsuits, and Bandler's trial for the cocaine-fueled murder of a prostitute (for which he was acquitted) caused all the NLP leaders to splinter off from one another. Today the term NLP is in the public domain, and most of the original founders still publish their own material and teach their own classes using the term, but there is no one organization that owns the trademark.

I've read a fair amount about NLP, and my analysis of the Meta Model is pretty simple. I'd describe it as a confrontational manner of speaking intended to dominate a conversation by nitpicking the other's persons sentences apart. For example, if it's a good day and all is well, I might be inclined to make an offhand, general comment like "I feel pretty good today." The Meta Model response to that is "What specifically makes you feel good?" And, I don't really know. I don't really have a single, specific answer. And whatever I do come up with gets attacked the same way: "Exactly why does that make you feel good?" And suddenly I'm on the defensive; I'm being made to feel that I'm in error, the position I've taken is revealed to be unsupported; and I'm now putty in the NLP guy's hands. Basically, it's being a condescending jerk in the way you talk to someone, in order to exert influence. That's the Meta Model. It's not psychotherapy; it's high-pressure sales. The Milton Model takes a different road to the same destination: low-pressure sales.

And it's not just sales. It's negotiation in business. It's gaining the upper hand in interpersonal relationships. It's being an effective manager or sports coach. But — and this is the big "but" — despite the claims of those who sell NLP books and seminars, it is not part of modern psychotherapy. Russia and the UK do have professional associations of NLP practitioners, but these are composed largely of people selling books and seminars, and only rarely of credentialed psychiatrists. In 2005, the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry published the results of a comprehensive study of all the publications regarding NLP and similar modalities, which it grouped together under the term "power therapies". The article states:

Advocates of new therapies frequently make bold claims regarding therapeutic effectiveness, particularly in response to disorders which have been traditionally treatment-refractory. This paper reviews a collection of new therapies collectively self-termed 'The Power Therapies', outlining their proposed procedures and the evidence for and against their use. These therapies are then put to the test for pseudoscientific practice... It is concluded that these new therapies have offered no new scientifically valid theories of action, show only non-specific efficacy, show no evidence that they offer substantive improvements to extant psychiatric care, yet display many characteristics consistent with pseudoscience.

It seems the only mentions of NLP to be found in mainstream journals are critical, when they can be found at all, outside of the hypnotism and other fringe journals. Even way back in 1987, the Journal of Counseling Psychology published an article that:

Examines the experimental literature on neurolinguistic programming (NLP). [The authors] concluded that the effectiveness of this therapy was yet to be demonstrated. Presents data from seven recent studies that further question the basic tenets of NLP and their application in counseling situations.

Dig far enough and you can find publications that support the therapeutic use of NLP, albeit from journals of varying repute. Wikipedia's article on NLP provides a long list of such articles, so if you wanted to state the case that NLP is science, it would be easy to go there and back yourself up. Well, of course, Joe Blow on the street has no real way of knowing which side he should believe, so this is one case where I'd recommend looking at the meta analyses: Studies that attempt to summarize all the articles out there. The largest of these (that I could find) was done by Michael Heap in 1988:

If the assertions made by proponents of NLP about representational systems and their behavioural manifestations are correct, then its founders have made remarkable discoveries about the human mind and brain, which would have important implications for human psychology, particularly cognitive science and neuropsychology. Yet there is no mention of them in learned textbooks or journals devoted to these disciplines. Neither is this material taught in psychology courses at the pre-degree and degree level.

Heap also found that when he asked colleagues about NLP, they generally hadn't even heard of it. Whatever else you want to say about NLP, the fact is that it is not part of mainstream psychology. That doesn't make it wrong or useless; it just means that it's not part of established, practiced science.

So really, what we have with NLP boils down to just another pop-culture, New Age, self-help system that disingenuously markets itself as science. Read this book and you'll be a better manager, a better salesman, more successful. The promise of results — be they money, success, interpersonal, psychological — is a red flag that you're solidly outside the world of professional psychology, or any other branch of medical science. If any doctor or other profession ever guarantees you results, or tells you that goals are only a few simple steps away, you have very good cause to be skeptical.

Article: http://skeptoid.com/episodes/4155#
Podcast: NLP: Neuro-linguistic programming podcast

Guidelines for Choosing a Coach

The reason most people hire a coach is to improve their private or professional lives in one way or another. Coaching is like any other profession. There are coaches who are highly skilled, knowledgeable and have a genuine ability to pull the best out of people. These coaches will generally have many years of experience, education and background in the field and areas where they coach.

Then there are other coaches that have been described as charlatans, quacks and cranks. When doing a little back-ground check, people will tend to find that these coaches have a questionable education in coaching (from only a few weeks to a few months). When looking into their experience and references, it will tend to be very sketchy and highly questionable.

Coaching is a growing field and I can confidently qualify that with the word exponential. Like any service or product that is numerous the consumer (or client in the case of coaching) can easily get lost in the choice. Couple that with the fact that the going into coaching agreement means exposing yourself some what in order to develop and grow, choosing the right coach is critical.

Below is a brilliant article by Chuck and Sue DeFiore. They write an exhaustive check list that is handy for anyone out there who might be looking for and/or considering hiring a coach.

Guidelines For Choosing A Guru, Coach Or Mentor

By: Chuck & Sue DeFiore

The following tips are meant as a guide for those of you who wish to enter into a coaching or mentoring relationship with a Guru, Coach or Mentor.

1. If you are not going to work with the individual you are paying, don't do it. You need to work with the individual who's charging you, so you can have accountability from him/her.
2. Take a very close look at the cost/benefit ratio of the relationship. Is similar information or help available at a lower cost or from other sources. Please understand that most of the information needed to succeed in Creative Real Estate or Home-Based Businesses is available for free if you have the time and ability to research it yourself.
3. Be very careful of those who claim to have secret or proprietary ways of doing business. The dictionary defines proprietary as made and sold by one with the sole right to do so; exclusively owned; private; benefiting an owner; owned by a private individual or corporation under a trademark or patent.

   Now ask yourself, does anyone in the field of Creative Real Estate own an exclusive method of doing business. The answer is no. It is just marketing hype designed to entice someone into parting with his/her money.

   Most of the methods for finding, acquiring, renting, selling, optioning property have been around for years. Can someone bring a slightly different twist to these methods, yes; but this is hardly proprietary.

   Take Lease Options, people have been doing options for well over one half of a century. There is nothing new about sandwich leases, assignments, etc.

   Wouldn't you think that if someone had a proprietary method and he or she shared that method, that it would no longer be proprietary. Of course! Once shared, it is no longer exclusively owned, therefore not proprietary.

   Which really leaves the part of the definition about benefiting the owner. As we have seen, there are truly no proprietary or secret methods; so who does this claim benefit? Why the one trying to separate you from your money with this hype.

4. Be careful about long term relationships. Be sure any contract you sign can be canceled if you are not satisfied with the service being provided to you. You should be the final arbitrator of whether or not a relationship is worth your money.

   Do not pay for the entire period up front. Many Gurus, Coaches and Mentors have a non-refundable clause in their contracts. By paying the entire fee up front, you lose leverage in case of dissatisfaction with the services provided you.

5. Be sure any material supplied to you and any services to be provided during the course of the relationship are covered in detail. Get a listing of what will be covered and the order in which it will happen. Do not accept generalities or vague comments like "We'll get to that". Know exactly what you are paying for.
6. Don't be led on by overly high prices. The most expensive is not always the best, especially for you. This is one area, where cost does not equal caring or commitment to your needs. Nor, does a high price indicate quality. Don't be fooled by the "I'm worth it" line.
7. Speaking of quality and caring, don't settle for lip service that someone cares about your future, make them demonstrate it. Speak to them a number of times. Do they give you the bum's rush if you can't afford their services right now, or do they take some time with you. Do you get the sense that they are more interested in selling you something? If you do, think very carefully before agreeing to enter any relationship with someone like this. What makes you think that their underlying attitude will change with the passing of money.
8. Do they seem to get more benefit from the relationship than you do? By this we mean, do they ask you to help promote their activities or products in your marketing material or promotional material. Do they ask you to do things for them, but are reluctant to do things to help promote your business? If they do, these are warning signs that this could well be a one sided relationship. Don't fall for the line "Well, you'll receive some back end benefit from this". Remember, you're in business to promote yourself, not someone else.
9. If your Guru, Coach or Mentor makes a promise to do something for you, get it in writing, particularly if it has a monetary consequence to you. By getting it in writing, you avoid any misunderstandings and you have recourse if he/she does not follow through.
10. When you speak with your Guru, Coach or Mentor, does he/she remember the details of your last conversation or do you need to start at the beginning each time. If you need to start over with each conversation, this may be a sign that he/she is too busy to keep track of all the people they are working with. Is this what you are paying for? The last thing you need, is to feel like a part on an assembly line. It's common sense that anyone can only work with so many individuals before the quality starts to suffer. You may want to ask before you get started, how many others the person you are considering is currently working with.
11. If your Guru, Coach or Mentor provides material for you, be sure you understand where and how it can be used in your business. Get it in writing. Don't depend upon verbal representations as to its use. You want to be sure that any material, particularly contracts, can be used in all facets of your business. If the material can't be used in all facets, what are the restrictions? Can you live with them? How this material can be used, may well influence what you are willing to pay. If you can, try to arrange to examine the material included before you make a final decision. You want to avoid material that is more fluff than substance. Understand, most Gurus, Coaches or Mentors will not mail this material to you first. Unfortunately, there are too many individuals who would take and copy this material with no expectation of ever working with someone. If you don't live in geographic proximity to the person you are considering, they should at least be able to provide you with a very detailed Table of Contents and Sub-Headings for their material. If they are not willing to do that, Pass.
12. Does your Guru, Coach or Mentor give you realistic suggestions to help you, or are they unfeasible given your situation. In other words, are the suggestions given within your financial means to carry out. Will they have an impact on your bottom line within a reasonable time frame? Do you have the technical expertise to carry out the suggestions? Or, do you get the feeling that everyone your Guru, Coach or Mentor works with receives the same suggestions. Remember, he/she is there to help support, guide and nurture you. Any suggestions given should have those principles in mind.
13. If suggestions are made, be sure to get specifics. Don't accept generalities. If a suggestion is made to write a book, do a tape set, give a seminar, etc., be sure your Guru, Coach or Mentor gives you details as to how to do it, if you've never done something like this. He/she should be able to give you a step-by-step plan of action to implement these suggestions. If they can't or won't, this is red flag. After all, you are paying for their expertise, be sure you receive it.
14. Be careful about references. No one in business is going to give you the name and telephone number of someone who is dissatisfied with their service as a reference. So understand that any references you receive are going to be positive ones. Also, if the Guru, Coach or Mentor claims to have been doing this for a years, get a range of people going back over this time period. See how many of these people are still active. What type of long range success has this person been able to generate for the individual he/she has worked with. Don't expect everyone to still be active, but this will give you some idea as to the effectiveness of the training provided.

    Be especially careful if the prospective Guru, Coach or Mentor gives you predominately new individuals to call. This is a big warning sign. Obviously, this last wouldn't apply to someone relatively new.

15. Most Gurus, Coaches and Mentors will look to sign you up for one to two years, or longer. One thing most will not tell you, is that they expect that your calls will diminish over the first few months. Therefore, you may be paying for service that you will not need in the long run. Avoid long term contracts if at all possible. It may be better to pay as you go if you can. The extra money you save may be better spent on your business.

We hope these guidelines will help you in choosing someone to work with if you decide that is the best way for you to accomplish your goals. The bottom line, be very careful before committing yourself to a long term relationship. A good one can greatly accelerate your learning; a bad experience can set you back years, and possibly even kill your dreams.

We wish you the best.

Cautions on Hiring a Coach

As an executive coach I think it is of key-importance for individuals or corporations wanting to hire a coach to stay on their toes. Coaching, as a profession, lacks the accreditation that other disciplines and professions have. Of course, there are a few organizations out there that have tried, but nothing that comes any where close to other professions.

If you are interested in hiring a coach do a thorough of their references and education. Many coaches out there have a very limited education when it comes to helping and advising other people. You can actually find some coaches out there who have had anywhere from 6-12 weeks to 8 to 12 months training.

So over the next few blogs I would like to educate you, the reader, about coaching. There are many brilliant coaches out there who can help you move forward. There are also many coaches out there who do more damage than good. Buyer beware!

Harvard Business Review on Executive Coaching

By Ed Batista at http://www.edbatista.com/2009/02/hbr.html
Illustration by Joshua Gorchov © Harvard Business Review. All rights reserved.

Harvard Business Review's Diane Coutu and Carol Kauffman surveyed 140 executive coaches (including Rebecca Zucker, who gave me some great advice when I made my own transition into coaching), and they've generated a set of resources from the data that both coaches and clients will find useful:

• A 32-page report on the current state of executive coaching. (You'll have to enter some registration info to access the free download, but it's well worth it.)
• An overview article at HBR.org (which is included in the report noted above.)
• And a short summary on Coutu's HBR blog. (The HBR.org article and the blog post both include links to podcasts by Coutu and Kauffmann.)

A few highlights from the full report that jumped out at me [with headings added in block quotes for clarity]:

The Future [of Executive Coaching]

Coaching exists to help executives find solutions, yet the field of coaching must solve a few problems itself. Most of [the coaches surveyed] told us that coaching as a process is highly effective but that the field feels as if it is in "adolescence." Many of [the coaches surveyed] were concerned that a lack of entry barriers leaves the profession vulnerable to being discredited by charlatans. Many also felt that action was needed to winnow out bad or ineffective coaches. Some of [the coaches surveyed] suggested that an emphasis on more rigor in practice and more research on effectiveness is needed...

I couldn't agree more.

[Assistance Provided to Coachees]

[M]ost of the time, coaches are facilitating transitions either into a firm or upwards within the same organization, or developing capabilities of high-potentials, or are working to enhance interactions of a team. A full 87% reported that they address derailing behaviors, and 81% act as a sounding board on strategic matters...

Coaches reported that 48% of the time they are hired to develop high potentials or to facilitate transitions; 26% to act as a sounding board; and 12% to address a derailing behavior. Only about 3% of coaches said they were hired to address issues in a coachee's non-work life. These results suggest that the field is shifting its focus from remedial work with problem individuals who exhibit unacceptable behaviors to the facilitation of higher performance with top-functioning executives.

This shift in the field at large is also reflected in my role as a Leadership Coach at Stanford's Graduate School of Business, where I work with students individually and in small groups to help them further develop their leadership and interpersonal skills. By definition, every one of the students I work with is likely to be regarded by future employers as "high potential," and although in a few instances we identify and address possible derailing behaviors, in the vast majority of cases I'm helping students "facilitate [even] higher performance."

[Duration of Coaching Engagements]

Respondents reported a great range in the typical duration of their coaching engagements, from as little as one month to more than three years. By far the most popular timeframe, selected by 45%, was the 7- to 12‑month range.

[Percent of Coaches Rating the Following Tools "Extremely Important"]

Coaching Tool	Coaches Rating "Extremely Important"
Interviewing	86%
360-degree feedback collection	77%
Shadowing	46%
Peer support groups	46%
Cultural assessment	42%
Psychometrics	39%
Communications evaluation (such as videotaping)	25%
Intelligence tests	3%

I'm intrigued by a few points in the table above. For example, who are the 14% of coaches who don't think interviewing is extremely important? And what, exactly, is a "cultural assessment"? That said, I see my practice accurately reflected here, with an emphasis on direct interviews and 360-degree feedback. I don't shadow clients, nor I do require participation in peer support groups (although I encourage clients to make use of them when they can.) I find certain psychometric tools valuable as a starting point for discussion, but I've seen them mis-used as often as I've seen them used effectively. And although I believe video-recording can be helpful when working on public speaking and other tactical communication skills, I don't find it as useful when working on in-depth personal development. Finally, I value IQ as much as I do EQ, but my assumption is that every client is smart enough to do their job well.

[What Makes Someone Coachable?]

Change readiness and being actively engaged in the process were the most frequently cited factors that contribute to making a person coachable...[cited by 32% and 28%, respectively, of the coaches surveyed.] Many coaches felt that the rest of the qualities emerged from the coaching process; they were not prerequisites for coaching. [These other qualities included clear goals, emotional intelligence, courage, sense of psychological safety, humility, ambition, commitment to the organization, and communication skills. None were cited by more than 10% of the coaches surveyed as a factor in making someone coachable.]

Again, I agree--a client who's ready to change and is fully engaged in the coaching process is likely to succeed, no matter what other qualities they lack. And no amount of EQ, courage or ambition will compensate for an unwillingness to change or a sense of disengagement with the coaching process.

How much importance should buyers of coaching services attach to each of the following in their selections of coaches?

Criteria	Coaches Rating "Important" or "Extremely Important"
Experience coaching in similar setting	65%
Clear methodology	61%
Quality of client list	50%
Experience as a coachee	36%
Background in organizational development	35%
Ability to measure return on investment	32%
Certification in a proven coaching method	29%
Experience working in a similar setting	27%
Status as a thought leader in the field	25%
Experience as a psychological therapist	13%
Background in executive search	2%

I find the data in this table fascinating. I'd love to talk further with the coaches who apparently believe they can accurately measure their clients' return on investment in a coaching engagement, particularly given that the latest research that I'm familiar with on the topic cites the absence of meaningful ROI metrics as a key problem facing the profession. I'm skeptical of anyone who claims to have this data at their disposal.

I'm also surprised to see that 27% of the coaches surveyed believe that similar work experience is so important. I believe that a fundamental tenet of coaching is that an over-reliance on the coach's own work experience transforms the relationship from a coaching engagement into a consulting engagement or a form of mentorship. As a coach, I don't believe that I have the answers for a client--instead, I have the ability to ask the right questions that will allow each client to find the answers that are right for them, and that skill has grown not out of my prior work experience but in my ongoing work as a coach.

Finally, I'm struck by Coutu and Kauffman's thoughtful comparison of coaching to consulting (on the one hand) and therapy (on the other), which is of particular interest given my recent reflections on Gestalt therapy concepts that I see at work in the coaching process. Here's an excerpt from a table in the HBR.org article:

Coaching	Coaching & Therapy	Therapy
Focuses on the future	Paid to ask the right questions	Focuses on the past
Fosters individual performance in a business context	Tackles difficult issues at work and home	Diagnoses and treats dysfunctionality
Helps executives discover their own path	Focuses on individual behavioral change	Based on medical ethics

As I noted in my post, "there's a clear parallel between [coaching and therapy]," but "good coaches are aware of the distinction." I think Coutu and Kauffman's work highlights this distinction while reinforcing my point that "there's [not] always a bright line distinguishing the two [disciplines]."

The Roots of Beliefs

Over my last three entries I've written about the self-concept and it's three components. A person's values, competencies and character traits have their own set of rules/beliefs (from here on I will only refer to them as beliefs). A person will act or react, behave and make decisions based on these beliefs.

Where do these beliefs come from and how are they formed? Your beliefs and my beliefs have their roots in every lesson we've ever learned and every experience we've ever lived through. It is these lessons and experiences give shape to our belief system.

In my coaching approach it is the roots of beliefs that form the nuts and bolts of getting a client to be aware of what is holding her back or what it launching her forward. It is at this level where the client operationally defines her beliefs. That is, she tells me exactly what she physically has to do or say in order for to feel her values, live up to her character trait and deliver at the level of her competency.

By getting her to write down her operational actions it gives her the opportunity, perhaps for the first time, to concretely see what she needs to do or say in order to live up to that aspect of her identity (self-concept). Let's dive into what I mean by giving you an example.

I have a client who is a broker, and a very successful one at that. I asked him what he thinks is needed to be a good broker. He listed the following:

• he must please his clients 100% of the time
• always make his clients his number one priority
• he must re-enlist 100% of his client base

As a result of sticking to his belief as to what makes a good broker, he...

• felt like a failure each time he didn't score an account or when he lost one
• questioned his ability as a broker when a client canceled
  
• became stressed, demotivated, and was super critical of his competence
  

It was a definite wake-up call when he looked at his beliefs, which guided his professional life and their corresponding results.

Through a series of sessions I got him to redefine certain aspects of his beliefs (just those that were working against him) so they were healthy and realistic. That is, I got him to rewrite his operational definition. We then used my methodology to form an action plan to align his behavior, mind talk and decisions with his modified belief system.

I have not gone into specifics about my methodology or very detailed into the exact elements of a belief system. They are too detailed to go into here, but you can find them in most cognitive behavioral and cognitive psychology books. Below are a small selection. Please contact me if you wish for more references.

Making-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Work-Practitioners

Cognitive Therapy Techniques: A Practitioner's Guide by PhD Robert L. Leahy PhD

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-by-step Program (Workbook) by William J. Knaus and Albert

When Rules Go Wrong

Each of us has sets of rules (also called beliefs) that we live by as we move forward in life. These rules help us to play the game by setting the guidelines as to how we take action, make decisions and shape behavior.

Our rules are set by what we learn from an experience. The lessons learned are translated into mind talk, which is the internal language of the mind. It's the chatter in our heads. It continuously comments on what we should or should not do and what we can or can not do.

As I've mentioned in a previous entry, many of our rules serve us by helping up move forward and to develop. At the same time, we have rules that are unhelpful. What ever we may try and do we simply can't move forward. As a result, we may be left feeling a sense of frustration, guilt, defeat, hopelessness, apathy and any number of other negative emotions.

This brings up the question as to why some rules serve us and others hold us back? It is this difference where the real skill-sets of coaching comes into play.

A key point to remember is that rules (i.e. our beliefs) are established the moment we actually learn from an experience. This is not to say that they are set in stone. Rules can be modified our entirely redefined. This is done by continuously broadening what we learn and experience.

For example, the first time you got behind the wheel of a car and pulled onto a highway it might have felt very daunting. There were vehicles of all size and shapes racing along 16 lanes at rocket velocities. But the more often you drove on the highway the less daunting it became until you reached a point where you felt comfortable and confident. The more you experienced driving on the highway the more you learned. The more you learned the more your rules or beliefs changed about highway driving. This means your rules changed as you changed. Your beliefs evolved with your increasing experience.

Unfortunately, this evolution of beliefs/rules is fallible. This is a critically important point. Although you may have established a belief that served you well some time in the past, now in the present it is a hindrance. What has happened is that you have moved on, the world has moved on and time has moved on, but your belief is still stuck in the past. How is this possible?

The belief you established some time in the past about a particular situation you simply forgot about. Although you are no longer aware of the rule, by no means has it disappeared. What it has done is that it has slipped into your unconscious mind where it still works 24/7.

For example, a client of mine was terrified of presenting in front of people. Earlier in his career he did not have to speak in front of people so it was no big deal. As he progressed through the ranks of his company it became ever more important for him to give presentations. For the life of him, he had no idea what his hang-up was with giving presentations.

After going through the coaching process with him, he discovered that back in junior-high school he gave a presentation that was received rather poorly. That negative experience etched deep on his psyche and he established the rule - Never talk in front of a group of people or you will be laughed at and made fun of. My client and the world had moved on, but his rule was still stuck in the past. It still influenced his actions and decisions.

I will continue When the Rules Go Wrong in the next entry with more examples. I will also discuss in more detail the difference between healthy rules/beliefs and unhealthy rules/beliefs.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
www.mindtalk.no

Rules of the Game

In my previous entry I mentioned that our actions, behavior and
decisions are determined to a great extent by our identity (self-
concept).

If what we do and what we choose are in line with who we believe we
are, then we can say we are living congruently. If not, then we are
living incongruently.

What is that determines if we are being either congruent or
incongruent with our identity? That is all dependent upon how we
personally define the rules of our identity. We can also call these
rules our beliefs.

These rules or beliefs are a result of the lessons we have learned.
What we take away from our experiences defines how we interpret the
people and the world around us.

For example, I remember when I was 6 years old my parents took my
brother and I to a farmers market. The day was hot and humid. I recall
with vivid clarity a beautiful Alsatian dog. I went up to pet it and
it bit right through my hand. Up to only a couple of years ago I was
fearful of any Alsatian. I learned to avoid them. I developed a rule,
although irrational, that all Alsatians bite.

This experience shaped me. It became a part of my identity. It
translated into words where I was telling my self that I should never
get even remotely near to german shepards. This became my rule and it
influenced my actions and behavior around that particular species of
dog.

So to more succintly answer the above question- what we tell ourselves
about an experience becomes the rule by which we obey.

Your values, competencies and character traits are all born from the
lessons you've learned up to the present day. What you have told
ypirselfbor what you've accepted from what others have said become
your rules. They become the beliefs by which you live your life.

Most of the beliefs we have serve us well, but this rule-system is far
from perfect. We all have rules that also serve against us. They
prevent us from moving forward. We will get more into that in the next
post.

Cordially,

Jason W Liem
MINDtalk@email.com
www.mindtalk.no

Components of the Self-Concept

My experience has taught me always to try to learn as much I can about how my client sees him/herself and how he/she perceives the world. By gaining this insight my ability to help them as a coach increases tremendously.

In order to do this I must be constantly aware of two points. The first is to hold back on my assumptions, because it is a natural human tendency to to judge other and their actions based on how we see the world. This means I need to be completely engaged in what they are telling me and to be constantly listening to make sure I'm following there line of thinking (see 'Tools of the Trade' entry) If there is something that I don't understand and/or their description is too abstract or general, I need to back track and get clarification.

The second point is to ask designed questions to explore the components of the client's self-concept (SC) - the competencies, the character traits and the values. I'd like to explore each of these components in turn.

The first component of the SC is competencies (i.e. What am I skilled at? Where do my talents shine?). We tend to define ourselves by our talents, abilities and skills. When people talk about themselves, especially in introductions, they will tend to talk about what position they hold in a company, what they do for a living and what hobbies or sports they are involved in. Many people spend a considerable amount of their time invested in their jobs, pastimes, interests and hobbies. This is not so strange since what we are skilled at also tends to trigger our interest and curiosity. Thus people will view the world, see problem and challenges andmake decisions based on their competencies.

The second component of the SC is character traits (i.e. Who am I?). These are the labels that we've given ourselves, by other people and by our surrounding, whether it was in the past or now in the present. Labels such as diplomatic, arrogant, lazy, healthy, kind, neurotic, opinionated and countless other adjectives.

We may be conscious of some of our labels, but most of them will lie in the unconscious recesses of our mind. These labels may have been forgotten by the conscious mind, by no means though are they laying dormant. They are the bricks and morter of our identity and they have an ever-present influence on our behavior and our decision-making.

The final component is of the SC is values (i.e. What is important to me?). They are the sense or feelings we have about someone, something or some situation. The choices we make our based on these emotions and feelings. The reason why a person buys a certain type of car, lives in a particular area, enjoys a certain type of activity, listens to a a genre of music and a thousand other things are based on how it makes them feel. If you take a moment to think about why you wear a particular type of watch, dress in a certain style or the types of books you enjoy reading tell you something about your values. If you also take a look at your inner-circle of friends you will see that most likely share some values and it is these mutual values that contribute to the depth and strength of your friendship.

Whether it is in the professional or private areas of someone's life, they will make choices based on how it makes them feel. People make decisions based on feeling a sense of adventure, excitement, contribution, belonging, achievement, status, giving, recognition, respect and so on. At the same time, people make decisions to avoid feeling a sense of incompetence, boredom, frustration, embarrassment, irritation, fear, anger, stress and so on. This means that values are not only the reserve of positive feelings, but those of negative feelings. The author Tony Robbins called them moving-toward and moving-away values. Any feeling that we can experience can be brought down to the common-denominator of either pleasure or pain. The words we assign to feelings are simply a way of explaining the different degrees of pleasure or pain.

Your competencies, character traits and values make up your identity. For the majority of your waking day you are not consciously aware or thinking about these components. They are sitting undetected in your unconscious mind working away influencing your every action, thought and decision.

In order for you to feel psychology right about yourself, your actions, behavior and decisions have to be congruent with who you think you are. For example, if you feel that you are a person of intergrity then your actions will follow your beliefs as you personally come to define what integrity is.

If, on the other hand, your actions and behavior are incongruent with your self concept then there will be repercussions. It may be in the form of stress, feelings of guilt and blame, or an inner awkwardness. For example, a person may feel that part of her identity is a strong sense of commitment and trust, but one-day cheats on her boyfriend. Afterward, we may feel a deep sense of regret and guilt, because she has gone against her personal definition of commitment and trust.

So what is it that determines if someone is living congruently or incongruently with their identity? What is the underlying mechanism that gives us the ability to judge ourselves? The answer is our belief system, which will be the topic of the next entry.

Basis of Identity

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, my methodology of coaching is a collection from a broad spectrum of psychology. What I will do in the next few postings is to elaborate at a more detailed level what I do and how I do it.

I base most of my coaching on the idea of the self-concept, which is better known as a person's identity. This identity or self-concept influences how, for example, you interpret and interact with the world. It also strongly influences your behavior, attitudes, opinions and decisions. This
entry is going to introduce the model of the self-concept that I use when coaching.

Your self-concept (SC) in the simplest terms is who you believe you are. It is based on three categories; your values, your competenciesand your character traits.

If you imagine yourself at a business mixer, a convention, a party of any other type of engagement where you meet new people. When you introduce yourself or people introduce themselves to you it typically begins with a name, job position, the company, responsibilities,
location and so on. As the conversation continues likes and dislike may be shared, hobbies, interests, places traveled as well any number of other points of interest. Basically, the both of you are trying to formulate a picture of who each other is and what each of you are about. What you tell each other, if not all, fall under the three categories of the SC mentioned earlier.

When you speak about what is important to you you are communicatingyour values.

When you speak about what you do, your education, your interests and hobbies you are communicating your competencies.

When you describe who you are of what you are you are communicating your character traits.

These components are key to helping clients work through their issues, because they directly influence how they behave, how they act or react and how they make decisions. I have only briefly detailed the components of the SC in this post. Since they are so relevant in my coaching practice I will dedicate an entire post to them next time.

Jason W Liem
www.MINDtalk.no
MINDtalk@email.com

Tools of the Trade

When it comes to sitting in a coaching session, I've found it very useful to keep the tools of the trade low-tech. Having a small notebook and a couple of pens works best for me.

Conversations have a tendency to be very organic. That is, a conversation is like a tree. It will begin on a main root, but will naturally branch off in a new direction. The reasons for this are as numerous as the leafs on a tree. The point is that a conversation can branch of several times in different directions. Perhaps it may return to the original root of the conversation or it blooms into a completely different direction.

I have found it to be critical to be aware of these conversational branches and to mark them down in my notebook. I usually write down a key-word that the client has said that has triggered the change in direction. This helps me to track the flow of the conversation. I do this for several reasons.

Sometimes the client may be in the midst of explaining an issue using general and vague terms. If it is at a point in the conversation where they are still in a flow of thought, I will note down the key-word or phrase. When he/she comes to the natural end-point of their thought-flow, I will reflect back to what I wrote down and ask for clarification.

I have developed my own little symbols and short-hand to note down these conversational branches. It's necessary to do this since coaching dialogues move very fast and the direction can shift in an exhale. It allows me to move with the rapid speed of the conversation while still taking notes to move the client to be more specific and concrete.

I've yet to discover anything that is better than a notebook (my choice is moleskines http://www.moleskine.co.uk/ ) and a couple of pens.